As Sunday approaches I look back at this year and have lots of mixed emotions. It was supposed to be one of the best of my life and turned into the most tragic. I am closing this year that started out with such excitement and happiness and ending it with the battle of my life.
After 10 years of being together, Stephan and I were finally getting married. I have known since early on that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and he was my person. Of course, being who we are, we had to do things our way and some would say we did it all backwards. I think that we did it perfectly and we have built such a solid foundation and been through all life can throw at you to make sure we were a solid couple. I was so excited about finally coming to the day that we would marry and I could finally call him my husband. That word never gets old! It felt like time was flying and everything was falling into place. The day came and we were surrounded by the people we love the most and it was perfect! It was the most beautiful and special wedding I've ever been to and it was everything my little girl dreams had ever been made of. The Familymoon was just as special. Spending a week with my two favorite boys in the Bahamas at a beautiful resort was just the right ending to our celebration. When that was all over, life tossed us the most devastating blow that we could ever imagine.
We all know what happened next as our world came crashing down around us. I have said it before, it shook us all to the core and rocked our worlds as it felt like everything crumbled to our feet. And to feel the extreme high we had just been on emotionally and be knocked to an extreme low felt like all of the oxygen had been sucked out of the world and all the light was lost. Since that day I have been at war on many fronts, fighting at every corner I turn. As the year is ending, I am leading into the days before my last chemo treatment, a point at which I felt like would take forever to get to that has in fact approached very fast. The next month will bring lots of information and next steps for me on my path to victory. I hold on to things, no matter how small they may be, that keep my spirits lifted and keep my mind strong. There is one thing that has been super emotional for me since the beginning. There was a song I heard when it all happened and it was like a symbol of my journey. Every word spoke to me and I still can't hear the song without having extreme emotions. Recently I heard it on the way to my Aunt and Uncle's house on Christmas. Cadence had gotten the Kids Bop CD for Christmas and I had no idea it was on there. We were riding in the car listening and I was distracted by my run-away thoughts of my life and current situation when it came on. I was immediately overcome with emotion as I turned to Stephan and said, "this is my song, this is the song that sings the lyrics of my journey and my situation." As he began to listen with me I began to cry so hard I could barely see. He grabbed my hand and told me I was right and he has never once doubted me, he has faith that I'm going to beat this and he is so proud of me and how strong I am. We continued to listen and I continued to cry, hard, as I had just been drowning in my thoughts that were turning negative and scary, as they sometimes do. It was like a sign for me to be strong and "rise". Some days I listen to the song and feel so empowered and strong. I can jam out and sing it at the top of my lungs feeling the strength that it gives me as I have taken it as my anthem. Other days I cry and remind myself why it's my song and that "I will rise"! So as this year comes to an end and I sit here and reflect on all this year has brought us, I can only describe it as a beautiful disaster, one that gave me so much and taught me more about myself than I ever knew was possible. For that, I have to be thankful for 2016 and continue to be thankful for all I have and have been through knowing that it could be so much worse.
***I have linked the song and hope you will truly listen to the words as they have given me courage and strength as I fight forward.***
#VictoryIsInMyVeins #IWillStillRise
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdw1uKiTI5c
