I hate waiting and having to wait 6 weeks after 4 weeks of radiation to your brain was almost as much torcher as the headaches that plagued me at the beginning of all of this. But they said nothing can be seen until 6 weeks later. So I have waited, impatiently for 6 weeks. I have to tell you that I have never prayed so much in my entire life as I have during this time. I prayed every day the whole time I was on the radiation table that every bit of that radiation was working in my brain and killing every ounce of cancer there, and every day at least 5 times a day that in the 6 weeks following it was still working to kill all of the cancer. I knew with as many lesions as I had to my brain, it was a long shot, but I also knew what I have achieved so far so I tried to keep my head high.
As positive as I was the first time around, I would be a big fat liar if I didn't say this time has been the scariest time of it all. It was just April when I was sitting in a hospital room with my mom and a doctor came in and told me how incredible my scans were with so many lesions and we thought that was it for me. So here I find myself a nervous wreck, trying to function as normal for everyone around me, every day for 6 weeks.
So 6 weeks comes and I haven't had a scan even scheduled yet. When I called to ask them about scheduling they tell me we have to wait a full 2 months. WHAT?! So not only have I had to wait 6 weeks but now I have to wait 2 more. This is not funny, fair, or any of the sort and so with that we scheduled the scan and waited some more.
I did not love the MRI of the brain last time, maybe because this was in the hospital when I had just found out there were areas of concern and it was loud and the mask is really close to your face along with the tunnel you're in and it takes an hour. So I was nervous and on the verge of tears all morning on Friday. I was doing okay until the tech asked me the routine questions about what I'm there for and then said so exactly how many lesions did you have. I just looked at her a moment because I haven't been able to say the number out loud. I took a deep breath and said 40-50 and then she reacted... I broke down in tears and cried it out for a minute. After that was over we went in and she said at this place they have headphones and I can pick my Pandora station. So I got set up, the mask wasn't so bad after having 15 treatments of radiation with a mask that was fitted to my entire head/face, I put on the headphones and picked Pentatonix radio. We started and I felt a sense of calmness come over my entire body. I'd been praying all night and all morning that I could get through it okay and all my cancer would be gone. The first full song to play was Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen and Pentatonix was singing. I cried like a baby and couldn't move since I was in the tube so the tears just streamed my face and I even sang along with it. As long as I knew my next 3 days would be, I was thankful for the music today and calming me so that the MRI didn't feel as long.
The weekend came and thankfully my sis and brother came to visit and helped the time pass. I got up this morning with knots in my stomach and when mom and I got in the car, I could tell she felt the same way. It was a long, quiet ride, though we tried to make small talk and laugh. The wait for the doctor was even longer and painful. I felt at one point like I was going to throw up. Then he walks in, he is the least expressive man in the world, and starts small talking me about how am I doing, what's my status with my oncologist, then brings up my cardiologist (I have to see them because of the maintenance drug I take every 3 weeks). In my head I'm like great, here we go, the ceiling is about to crash down, been here before. Then he looks at me and said my scans look great. I had to let that sink in a bit and he said they were much improved and the brain board was impressed with my progress. So here I sit thinking yeah, yeah, but... So I asked him what that meant exactly. So basically my scans were clear and anything that "showed up" was inactive. So now I'm going to shout 40-50 lesions from the roof top as I continue to share my story with people, it no longer scares me. I had 40-50 lesions and now I don't. I have stage 4 breast cancer and at this moment in my life, after a full year of battling for my life, MY LIFE, I am in remission! This time when I say remission they have scanned every part of my body except maybe my toes, so I am there!!!! Today, I have beat stage 4 breast cancer that went to my entire brain and reeked havoc on my head!!!! My prayers have been answered and I can't thank all of you enough for praying for me and sending your love and positive thoughts to me because without it I would not be here. My battle will never be over as I will continue taking my 3 week maintenance and my 5 daily chemo pills for my brain, but I will take it all to be able to sit here and type these words of victory to you!
#TeamWhite #VictoryIsInMyVeins #IWillRise #IAmTheStorm
