I don't know that many will understand but there is something about being told your cancer has resurfaced after you have been told you have stage 4 or it's covering your brain that just doesn't feel as harsh. Call me a cynic and some might see it as inappropriate but that's just how it felt. There was no gut wrenching blow, no devastating cry, but it did hurt and hurt bad. I think the worst parts of this are the emotional highs and lows. I mean, it was nice to have 3 months of "normal" but doggone this sucks. So I cried and I felt sorry for myself all afternoon yesterday and on into the night. I didn't want to talk because every time I did I cried again and I hate that part. I'm not a sad person and I don't like feeling sad.
I wasn't sure how I was going to pull it together to go to work but I did. When I got there I cried and cried some more. I must say that I have never been more thankful to work in a place where my coworkers are so much more. They have all been so good and supportive of me and I am so thankful for each of them. But going to work was the best thing. I realized after about 2 hours I hadn't thought about my new cancer at all and it's been less than 24 hours. I'm going to continue with that, not giving it the time in my day, I'm going to keep laughing and keep working, keeping loving and having a blast with my boys, and in the meantime I am going back in for round 3.
So the cancer came back in my brain. I don't know if they got sick of counting or what but the doctor told me about 30 lesions but the paper says 30-50. Sound familiar? Well this time they are mostly in the cerebellum (back and base of the brain). There are three small spots in the front they are keeping an eye on for now but we are starting targeted radiation treatment on Thursday. I will go through 10 treatments and these are not supposed to affect my day to day. After that we wait some more, 2 months more before we can have another scan. I plan to be all finished after that. Please send all you got my way and if you stopped praying for even a day I need you to put me back in and keep me on your long term list. And let's all pray that this is not a full length boxing match and I don't have to go 12 rounds! Lol, okay... too soon? I have to find some humor but seriously I hope third times a charm and I'm focused just like before. There will be no what if, there is only when I beat it. I hate having to be "the strongest person you know" because the human side of me hates going through this. I am terrified and it is the hardest thing I can ever imagine going through aside one other thing I won't dare type or say out loud. I hate this whole thing and I can't even think of a word to describe the hate I have for for this stupid disease. With that being said, I will be the strongest person you know and I hope to continue to inspire everyone to be the best and live life focusing on what's important and not on the small stresses that in a year from now will never be remembered. Thank you for all of you that have already reached out to me in many ways and know that your words of encouragement, well wishes and prayers are the best gift of all.
