It started with a video...

I often say to people and wonder to myself how I have managed to be so strong and so positive through all of this. I have always struggled so much with dealing with heavy things in life and battled depression vs. staying on the bright side. I have never been able to see the light until after when I look back and think, why was that so hard for me. Because of past experiences, I continue to amaze myself at during this fight by having such strength. People keep telling me how much I inspire them, people also told me there would be a time I wouldn't feel so positive and that it's okay to take time to cry and be upset, to get it all out and move on.

This past week has been very trying for me emotionally. I have found myself battling very hard to stay positive and each time I turn around there is something else shaking my base, trying to knock the tower over. It started with a video. Those stupid videos on Facebook, which I spend too much time on lately, that pop up in your feed that have nothing to do with anything. It was about a young woman having stage 4 breast cancer. Let me be clear about the fact I have NOT asked about stage/prognosis since they found the other spots, I originally was diagnosed with stage 2 (I'll come back to this later). I have known since day 1 to not look up or read or watch anything online about cancer, I have known why it's not a good idea, and yet I couldn't keep scrolling. The video went on to say she was given 2-3 years. That was it, that was the moment in which my tower came crumbling down. I didn't watch anything else. I didn't want to see what an inspirational life she lead before she passed and how so many people will remember her as such an amazing person. I shut it off then and realized I had passed the point of no return. I cried, I cried hard. I had put myself back in the place I was when I found out my diagnosis. The place of fear, of sadness, of mourning what the future might hold for my baby boy. I curled up and cried for most of the day knowing that I had not asked any of the "hard questions", as my mom calls them, because I don't want to know what limit someone is willing to place on my life, yet here I am afraid that this may be my sentence. My poor, sweet husband, spent the entire day trying to comfort me and reassure me. I heard the sweetest words from him I have ever heard and some that meant more to me than anything he has ever said. We stood in the kitchen, me crying and him hugging me, and he told me he was so proud of me and I had been so strong, he didn't know I had this strength that he sees from me every day. Nothing he could say or do made me feel better. So I continued to cry and curled up in a ball crying on the couch for most of the rest of the day. Finally, at some point that afternoon, I started to coach myself. It was like talking myself down from the cliff. I began to remind myself that my doctors have never once put a limit on me and have ALWAYS talked about treating to cure. I reminded myself that my tumor and the place on my breast had responded after just the first treatment of chemo. I reminded myself that I am strong as hell and I have proven that to myself over the last 4 months and I am damn sure not going down like that. I reminded myself that I have faith that this is NOT the end of my story, I have too much left to do and the most important thing on that list is to be here to love that little boy and help him grow to be the best person he can be. Somehow, I managed to pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and push myself forward.

Since that day I have not been as strong as I have in the months, weeks, and days leading up. I can't unsee what I saw that day and I can't unfeel those feelings. So I find myself taking the time when I need it to cry and then I move on. I guess one person can only take being so strong for themselves and everyone else around them so much before they crack. It's hard feeling like everyone around me responds based on my actions. I try to hold it all together so that they will feel like it's okay and I'm okay and they can be okay. Most of the time it's real but some days it is very hard. And here I am now, finding myself more emotional and trying to pull it all back together. It is taking me some time, but I'm getting there, slowly. I must say, Cancer sucks! It sucks the life out of you and everyone around you if you let it and I almost did this past week. Now I'm sitting here typing this to say, NO MORE. It will not win, I will not let it, this will not define me, it will not take me away from who I am. I am woman, hear me roar! LOL! (Typing those last few sentences totally just made me feel loads better!)

To address the matter of the "hard questions". My mom was right, I haven't asked those because I wonder to myself what the point is. I mean, realistically we can figure most of it out. I don't want to sit in an office and hear someone spit statistics out to me because that's all it is. And what good does it do a person and their spirit to hear statistics that are stacked against you to be frank?! I don't need a doctor to tell me things that I can figure out on my own and I don't want to hear anything other than what are we going to do about it. My doctor has never once put a limit on me and given me a time frame. When she talks, she talks of treatment for cure and for that I will forever be thankful. I find great peace in that and knowing they are focused on this fight with me. I'm not getting treatment to help me while they can, they are trying to cure this stupid stuff and we are going to fight it together. And if that means I have to take "The Hammer" in chemo doses, then bring it on! So I ask all of you to support me, don't feel sorry for me, lift me up, keep praying, keep sending your love vibes (I love that name), and do not think of me as on a timer. Keep in your thoughts and prayers that I'm going to beat this and be one of those survivors because that's the only option I'm accepting. Don't even give the alternative a split second of your time because I'm not. I have cried and I am moving forward. I know I'm not finished crying yet, but I will be soon and I'm going to come out guns blazing.

As always, thank you. Thank you to the best family, friends, and support group I could ever ask for. Thank you for the continued cards, prayers, well wishes, sweet messages, and thoughtful expressions of support. You guys are an amazing team and I know I could not possibly do this without each and every one of you. This is the best team I've ever been a part of and while I wish for everything we didn't even have to have this team, I am beyond blessed and thankful that I have so many people rallying behind me. When this is all over, I'm going to look back and be so inspired to go out and make a difference with all you guys have given me. So again I say, thank you and I love you all from the bottom of my heart. #TeamWhite