I don't know that many will understand but there is something about being told your cancer has resurfaced after you have been told you have stage 4 or it's covering your brain that just doesn't feel as harsh. Call me a cynic and some might see it as inappropriate but that's just how it felt. There was no gut wrenching blow, no devastating cry, but it did hurt and hurt bad. I think the worst parts of this are the emotional highs and lows. I mean, it was nice to have 3 months of "normal" but doggone this sucks. So I cried and I felt sorry for myself all afternoon yesterday and on into the night. I didn't want to talk because every time I did I cried again and I hate that part. I'm not a sad person and I don't like feeling sad.
I wasn't sure how I was going to pull it together to go to work but I did. When I got there I cried and cried some more. I must say that I have never been more thankful to work in a place where my coworkers are so much more. They have all been so good and supportive of me and I am so thankful for each of them. But going to work was the best thing. I realized after about 2 hours I hadn't thought about my new cancer at all and it's been less than 24 hours. I'm going to continue with that, not giving it the time in my day, I'm going to keep laughing and keep working, keeping loving and having a blast with my boys, and in the meantime I am going back in for round 3.
So the cancer came back in my brain. I don't know if they got sick of counting or what but the doctor told me about 30 lesions but the paper says 30-50. Sound familiar? Well this time they are mostly in the cerebellum (back and base of the brain). There are three small spots in the front they are keeping an eye on for now but we are starting targeted radiation treatment on Thursday. I will go through 10 treatments and these are not supposed to affect my day to day. After that we wait some more, 2 months more before we can have another scan. I plan to be all finished after that. Please send all you got my way and if you stopped praying for even a day I need you to put me back in and keep me on your long term list. And let's all pray that this is not a full length boxing match and I don't have to go 12 rounds! Lol, okay... too soon? I have to find some humor but seriously I hope third times a charm and I'm focused just like before. There will be no what if, there is only when I beat it. I hate having to be "the strongest person you know" because the human side of me hates going through this. I am terrified and it is the hardest thing I can ever imagine going through aside one other thing I won't dare type or say out loud. I hate this whole thing and I can't even think of a word to describe the hate I have for for this stupid disease. With that being said, I will be the strongest person you know and I hope to continue to inspire everyone to be the best and live life focusing on what's important and not on the small stresses that in a year from now will never be remembered. Thank you for all of you that have already reached out to me in many ways and know that your words of encouragement, well wishes and prayers are the best gift of all.
Tuesday, November 7, 2017
Saturday, October 21, 2017
Rise
Since I started my fight over a year ago there was one song that every word spoke to my heart, soul, body, and mind. Every word of every line gave me strength and courage. That song, "Rise" by Katy Perry has been played on repeat in my car many times over the last year and some months and on my computer just as many. Each time I'd cry, sing at the tops of my lungs and sometimes laugh while I cried when I reached remission. It has kicked me back into the ring by listening to those words even when I felt hopeless and I would suck it up and go back in the ring for more. So yesterday, after a long time waiting for the it's okay, I went and got this. My nugget drew the moon because we say I love you to the moon. And rise, it is my life mantra, the reminder of the fact that I will rise, victory is in my veins, because I am strong! And no matter how long and how hard I have to fight, "I won't just conform, I will still rise!"
Monday, July 31, 2017
Impatiently waiting
I hate waiting and having to wait 6 weeks after 4 weeks of radiation to your brain was almost as much torcher as the headaches that plagued me at the beginning of all of this. But they said nothing can be seen until 6 weeks later. So I have waited, impatiently for 6 weeks. I have to tell you that I have never prayed so much in my entire life as I have during this time. I prayed every day the whole time I was on the radiation table that every bit of that radiation was working in my brain and killing every ounce of cancer there, and every day at least 5 times a day that in the 6 weeks following it was still working to kill all of the cancer. I knew with as many lesions as I had to my brain, it was a long shot, but I also knew what I have achieved so far so I tried to keep my head high.
As positive as I was the first time around, I would be a big fat liar if I didn't say this time has been the scariest time of it all. It was just April when I was sitting in a hospital room with my mom and a doctor came in and told me how incredible my scans were with so many lesions and we thought that was it for me. So here I find myself a nervous wreck, trying to function as normal for everyone around me, every day for 6 weeks.
So 6 weeks comes and I haven't had a scan even scheduled yet. When I called to ask them about scheduling they tell me we have to wait a full 2 months. WHAT?! So not only have I had to wait 6 weeks but now I have to wait 2 more. This is not funny, fair, or any of the sort and so with that we scheduled the scan and waited some more.
I did not love the MRI of the brain last time, maybe because this was in the hospital when I had just found out there were areas of concern and it was loud and the mask is really close to your face along with the tunnel you're in and it takes an hour. So I was nervous and on the verge of tears all morning on Friday. I was doing okay until the tech asked me the routine questions about what I'm there for and then said so exactly how many lesions did you have. I just looked at her a moment because I haven't been able to say the number out loud. I took a deep breath and said 40-50 and then she reacted... I broke down in tears and cried it out for a minute. After that was over we went in and she said at this place they have headphones and I can pick my Pandora station. So I got set up, the mask wasn't so bad after having 15 treatments of radiation with a mask that was fitted to my entire head/face, I put on the headphones and picked Pentatonix radio. We started and I felt a sense of calmness come over my entire body. I'd been praying all night and all morning that I could get through it okay and all my cancer would be gone. The first full song to play was Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen and Pentatonix was singing. I cried like a baby and couldn't move since I was in the tube so the tears just streamed my face and I even sang along with it. As long as I knew my next 3 days would be, I was thankful for the music today and calming me so that the MRI didn't feel as long.
The weekend came and thankfully my sis and brother came to visit and helped the time pass. I got up this morning with knots in my stomach and when mom and I got in the car, I could tell she felt the same way. It was a long, quiet ride, though we tried to make small talk and laugh. The wait for the doctor was even longer and painful. I felt at one point like I was going to throw up. Then he walks in, he is the least expressive man in the world, and starts small talking me about how am I doing, what's my status with my oncologist, then brings up my cardiologist (I have to see them because of the maintenance drug I take every 3 weeks). In my head I'm like great, here we go, the ceiling is about to crash down, been here before. Then he looks at me and said my scans look great. I had to let that sink in a bit and he said they were much improved and the brain board was impressed with my progress. So here I sit thinking yeah, yeah, but... So I asked him what that meant exactly. So basically my scans were clear and anything that "showed up" was inactive. So now I'm going to shout 40-50 lesions from the roof top as I continue to share my story with people, it no longer scares me. I had 40-50 lesions and now I don't. I have stage 4 breast cancer and at this moment in my life, after a full year of battling for my life, MY LIFE, I am in remission! This time when I say remission they have scanned every part of my body except maybe my toes, so I am there!!!! Today, I have beat stage 4 breast cancer that went to my entire brain and reeked havoc on my head!!!! My prayers have been answered and I can't thank all of you enough for praying for me and sending your love and positive thoughts to me because without it I would not be here. My battle will never be over as I will continue taking my 3 week maintenance and my 5 daily chemo pills for my brain, but I will take it all to be able to sit here and type these words of victory to you!
#TeamWhite #VictoryIsInMyVeins #IWillRise #IAmTheStorm
As positive as I was the first time around, I would be a big fat liar if I didn't say this time has been the scariest time of it all. It was just April when I was sitting in a hospital room with my mom and a doctor came in and told me how incredible my scans were with so many lesions and we thought that was it for me. So here I find myself a nervous wreck, trying to function as normal for everyone around me, every day for 6 weeks.
So 6 weeks comes and I haven't had a scan even scheduled yet. When I called to ask them about scheduling they tell me we have to wait a full 2 months. WHAT?! So not only have I had to wait 6 weeks but now I have to wait 2 more. This is not funny, fair, or any of the sort and so with that we scheduled the scan and waited some more.
I did not love the MRI of the brain last time, maybe because this was in the hospital when I had just found out there were areas of concern and it was loud and the mask is really close to your face along with the tunnel you're in and it takes an hour. So I was nervous and on the verge of tears all morning on Friday. I was doing okay until the tech asked me the routine questions about what I'm there for and then said so exactly how many lesions did you have. I just looked at her a moment because I haven't been able to say the number out loud. I took a deep breath and said 40-50 and then she reacted... I broke down in tears and cried it out for a minute. After that was over we went in and she said at this place they have headphones and I can pick my Pandora station. So I got set up, the mask wasn't so bad after having 15 treatments of radiation with a mask that was fitted to my entire head/face, I put on the headphones and picked Pentatonix radio. We started and I felt a sense of calmness come over my entire body. I'd been praying all night and all morning that I could get through it okay and all my cancer would be gone. The first full song to play was Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen and Pentatonix was singing. I cried like a baby and couldn't move since I was in the tube so the tears just streamed my face and I even sang along with it. As long as I knew my next 3 days would be, I was thankful for the music today and calming me so that the MRI didn't feel as long.
The weekend came and thankfully my sis and brother came to visit and helped the time pass. I got up this morning with knots in my stomach and when mom and I got in the car, I could tell she felt the same way. It was a long, quiet ride, though we tried to make small talk and laugh. The wait for the doctor was even longer and painful. I felt at one point like I was going to throw up. Then he walks in, he is the least expressive man in the world, and starts small talking me about how am I doing, what's my status with my oncologist, then brings up my cardiologist (I have to see them because of the maintenance drug I take every 3 weeks). In my head I'm like great, here we go, the ceiling is about to crash down, been here before. Then he looks at me and said my scans look great. I had to let that sink in a bit and he said they were much improved and the brain board was impressed with my progress. So here I sit thinking yeah, yeah, but... So I asked him what that meant exactly. So basically my scans were clear and anything that "showed up" was inactive. So now I'm going to shout 40-50 lesions from the roof top as I continue to share my story with people, it no longer scares me. I had 40-50 lesions and now I don't. I have stage 4 breast cancer and at this moment in my life, after a full year of battling for my life, MY LIFE, I am in remission! This time when I say remission they have scanned every part of my body except maybe my toes, so I am there!!!! Today, I have beat stage 4 breast cancer that went to my entire brain and reeked havoc on my head!!!! My prayers have been answered and I can't thank all of you enough for praying for me and sending your love and positive thoughts to me because without it I would not be here. My battle will never be over as I will continue taking my 3 week maintenance and my 5 daily chemo pills for my brain, but I will take it all to be able to sit here and type these words of victory to you!
#TeamWhite #VictoryIsInMyVeins #IWillRise #IAmTheStorm
Friday, June 16, 2017
Crying laughter
That was my emotion when I got her phone call. That week was a really long week but the longest part was Friday. I had an unexpected bone and CT scan that week because when at the doctor the week prior, receiving my every 3 week maintenance treatment, my blood work came back and something about the levels for my liver caused my doctor some concern. She said it could be the medicines I am on but with the way things have recently gone of course I was nervous. I took a couple of days and tried to shake it off knowing that we probably wouldn't be getting scans and such quickly and I could not let myself get shaken up over this. The greatest thing that a friend told me, my counselor as I have nicknamed her, is that no matter what I can handle this because I have handled so much more already. She was right and that shook it off, she always has the right thing to say at the right time. Not only does she believe in me and tell me all the time that I've got this but even when things are scary, she gives me that kick I need and I needed that right then. Those words have rung true in my ears since and I tell myself that over and over. No matter what, I can handle it because look what I've handled so far. I mean come on, I still can't begin to explain how I have managed to stay so uplifted and positive but I have. Never in my life have I been able to take negative things and be positive about them and here I am facing the biggest fight of my life that will be a fight for my entire life and I'm beasting through it like a champ! I'm more proud of myself and what I have accomplished in the last 8 months than I have ever been. I am also proud of the people in my life and so thankful for all of them. I have been surrounded by the most amazing people and I don't know why I deserve it. I continue to be shown so much goodness and kindness and love and support from so many people, close and far, that I can't get down about it. I'm crying now just thinking about all of the blessings that my family has received since August. I can't get down about the struggles because of the goodness I have seen around me since far outweighs anything else, and thank you will just never be enough.
So anyway, I got way off track, back to that week. The bone scan wasn't what I was focused on because it doesn't show the liver and that was the docs concern. Of course it was the one we did early in the week and the CT wasn't until Friday. However, it was early Friday morning so I knew I could call my doc once I left and ask her to call me with results because I wasn't scheduled to see her until mid-day Monday and I just would rather know, good or bad, and have the weekend to cope and move forward, I didn't want to sit on the what if's all weekend, that's worse for me. So 5 'oclock comes and no phone call. I was so bummed out that she didn't call and now I was going to be nervous and sitting all weekend, extra nervous because I figured if she didn't call that it's because she wanted to tell me the bad news in person. At 6:30 when my phone rang and it was the Cancer Center I was shocked and picked up, maybe a little too quickly. "Hey Meghan, it's Dr. Feng. How are you?" "I'm good, I how are you?" " Good! I have some great news!" My heart started beating again!! She proceeded to tell me that my scans were clear. I asked her at least 4 times over to repeat that, clear/clear, are you sure?! All to which she confirmed. I also confirmed that last time there were still spots on bones and now there are not. Which again, she confirmed. I was beyond the moon. I ran in the bedroom to tell Stephan and couldn't stop laughing and crying and then proceeded to call my mom and everyone else I could think of that was waiting on information from me that day. And best yet, it was my Gacky's birthday. So I went to her house with mom to tell her the great news as well as my dad and Papaw. It was the best feeling in the world to know that at least below my neck, my cancer is not detectible from the scans I had. I mean what?! Y'all, I'm beating this thing. I said I was going to beat it, I believe I'm going to beat it, I am fighting every day to beat it, I will not ever stop trying to beat it, and that is my mission is to beat this thing until they find a cure. HOT DOG!!!
All of the praying, positive thinking, gifts of wellness, cards, thoughts, messages, go get 'ems, they are all working. I ask that you continue because as we all know, my fight is not over. Far from over. Now we focus on my brain and complete healing. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I am scared but I have faith, I have got this and NO MATTER WHAT I CAN HANDLE IT. I will take it head on (lol, I didn't mean to make that pun but there you go). The whole brain radiation was a lot more than I anticipated. It has completely affected my mobility and made it difficult for me to walk and get up at times. I am thankful to be feeling stronger every day but the strength comes very, VERY slowly. Its frustrating to have to plan out where you're going and if you can go because if there are stairs it's a wrap. But patience is one thing I have learned to have a lot of during this as well as letting others help me (I HATE THAT). Sometimes though, you just have to sit down and take it. I can only hope that if it affected my body in this way that it really socked that cancer out along with the chemo pills I'm taking and they are really working to clear up the lesions that were in my brain. That is my hope and prayers now and that my body will continue to be clear of any cancer due to the maintenance treatments I receive.
The last thing I want to say today is how thankful I am for the people and things happening in my life. I am truly beyond words with all that we have received and all that has happened and I know it is not by accident. My family, not that I thought they wouldn't, has been the most but my mother has been the biggest trooper. I can't imagine what it's like to see your child go through this and still manage to keep one foot in front of the other while caring for her every need. Making sure my family is cared for as well as still managing to function on a daily basis. She has been to every appointment with me refusing to let me go alone and no matter what sticks right by my side. I will never be able to thank her enough for dealing with my "Benedryl Meghan" attitude from the doctor appointments and taking me everywhere I need to go. The rest of my family has been amazing, chipping in and helping out. I just can't thank them enough. I even asked my sister why she was so good to me when we hated each other so much growing up. I love her so much and I'm so thankful that she was chosen to be my sister. My co-workers need mentioning too because they have really done too much for me. My principal went to bat for me over something that I will never be able to thank her for and it has helped my family through this year with me being off in ways I couldn't imagine. They have supported me with pictures of my nugget when he is at school, special gifts, sweet messages, I just can't thank them enough for being so good to me and loving me and mine. I will forever be grateful for people I call amazing friends. And that leaves me with a couple more I need to mention today... I won't specifically mention but I haven't yet been able to think about it without crying. I received an unexpected gift from Elizabeth, Bug, Cat, Emily, Kathy, Jennifer, and my mom that really just overwhelmed me. Thank you to them as well will never be enough but it's all I have right now. I wish I could say or do more or something that felt more significant to me but Thank you, thank you, thank you for all you have done. To everyone else for cards, prayers, well wishes, sweet messages, you all are just as amazing for the daily encouragement. The fact that #TeamWhite is so big is beyond my wildest dreams and to know that many people and more are in my corner cheering for me is such an amazing thing. So thank you all for everything. Keep praying, keep the positive thoughts and know that #IWillRise #VictoryIsInMyVeins #IAmTheStorm.
So anyway, I got way off track, back to that week. The bone scan wasn't what I was focused on because it doesn't show the liver and that was the docs concern. Of course it was the one we did early in the week and the CT wasn't until Friday. However, it was early Friday morning so I knew I could call my doc once I left and ask her to call me with results because I wasn't scheduled to see her until mid-day Monday and I just would rather know, good or bad, and have the weekend to cope and move forward, I didn't want to sit on the what if's all weekend, that's worse for me. So 5 'oclock comes and no phone call. I was so bummed out that she didn't call and now I was going to be nervous and sitting all weekend, extra nervous because I figured if she didn't call that it's because she wanted to tell me the bad news in person. At 6:30 when my phone rang and it was the Cancer Center I was shocked and picked up, maybe a little too quickly. "Hey Meghan, it's Dr. Feng. How are you?" "I'm good, I how are you?" " Good! I have some great news!" My heart started beating again!! She proceeded to tell me that my scans were clear. I asked her at least 4 times over to repeat that, clear/clear, are you sure?! All to which she confirmed. I also confirmed that last time there were still spots on bones and now there are not. Which again, she confirmed. I was beyond the moon. I ran in the bedroom to tell Stephan and couldn't stop laughing and crying and then proceeded to call my mom and everyone else I could think of that was waiting on information from me that day. And best yet, it was my Gacky's birthday. So I went to her house with mom to tell her the great news as well as my dad and Papaw. It was the best feeling in the world to know that at least below my neck, my cancer is not detectible from the scans I had. I mean what?! Y'all, I'm beating this thing. I said I was going to beat it, I believe I'm going to beat it, I am fighting every day to beat it, I will not ever stop trying to beat it, and that is my mission is to beat this thing until they find a cure. HOT DOG!!!
All of the praying, positive thinking, gifts of wellness, cards, thoughts, messages, go get 'ems, they are all working. I ask that you continue because as we all know, my fight is not over. Far from over. Now we focus on my brain and complete healing. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I am scared but I have faith, I have got this and NO MATTER WHAT I CAN HANDLE IT. I will take it head on (lol, I didn't mean to make that pun but there you go). The whole brain radiation was a lot more than I anticipated. It has completely affected my mobility and made it difficult for me to walk and get up at times. I am thankful to be feeling stronger every day but the strength comes very, VERY slowly. Its frustrating to have to plan out where you're going and if you can go because if there are stairs it's a wrap. But patience is one thing I have learned to have a lot of during this as well as letting others help me (I HATE THAT). Sometimes though, you just have to sit down and take it. I can only hope that if it affected my body in this way that it really socked that cancer out along with the chemo pills I'm taking and they are really working to clear up the lesions that were in my brain. That is my hope and prayers now and that my body will continue to be clear of any cancer due to the maintenance treatments I receive.
The last thing I want to say today is how thankful I am for the people and things happening in my life. I am truly beyond words with all that we have received and all that has happened and I know it is not by accident. My family, not that I thought they wouldn't, has been the most but my mother has been the biggest trooper. I can't imagine what it's like to see your child go through this and still manage to keep one foot in front of the other while caring for her every need. Making sure my family is cared for as well as still managing to function on a daily basis. She has been to every appointment with me refusing to let me go alone and no matter what sticks right by my side. I will never be able to thank her enough for dealing with my "Benedryl Meghan" attitude from the doctor appointments and taking me everywhere I need to go. The rest of my family has been amazing, chipping in and helping out. I just can't thank them enough. I even asked my sister why she was so good to me when we hated each other so much growing up. I love her so much and I'm so thankful that she was chosen to be my sister. My co-workers need mentioning too because they have really done too much for me. My principal went to bat for me over something that I will never be able to thank her for and it has helped my family through this year with me being off in ways I couldn't imagine. They have supported me with pictures of my nugget when he is at school, special gifts, sweet messages, I just can't thank them enough for being so good to me and loving me and mine. I will forever be grateful for people I call amazing friends. And that leaves me with a couple more I need to mention today... I won't specifically mention but I haven't yet been able to think about it without crying. I received an unexpected gift from Elizabeth, Bug, Cat, Emily, Kathy, Jennifer, and my mom that really just overwhelmed me. Thank you to them as well will never be enough but it's all I have right now. I wish I could say or do more or something that felt more significant to me but Thank you, thank you, thank you for all you have done. To everyone else for cards, prayers, well wishes, sweet messages, you all are just as amazing for the daily encouragement. The fact that #TeamWhite is so big is beyond my wildest dreams and to know that many people and more are in my corner cheering for me is such an amazing thing. So thank you all for everything. Keep praying, keep the positive thoughts and know that #IWillRise #VictoryIsInMyVeins #IAmTheStorm.
Friday, May 26, 2017
Lots of scary words followed by a bright light
I'm starting this one with a warning of shock, I don't know how else to describe the day. I also need to apologize if this one isn't as coherent as it should be. This whole brain radiation really gets your brain all weak and sometimes I don't know what my fingers are putting out. I have to say thank goodness for auto correct the last few weeks while texting, it pretty much drives my conversations.
So I guess it was the 5th, I know it was a Friday and I think that was the day. It was such a rough day and I had been telling people as nice as it was to say that word "remission" there was something heavy about it. Now I know what. I had been having some headaches before that after a while went away with some heat and pillow changes, so even though we had an MRI lined up that didn't work out and we decided not to reschedule because my symptoms went away. I realize now that was the right thing to do, however, we cannot live like that with the "if only we had". So anyway, long story short the headaches came back and with a vengeance. That Friday my brand new refrigerator was being worked on and it was so painful all the noises and anything that my mom had to come over so I could lay in my bedroom. As soon as the guy left we went to the hospital where everything went from there.
I won't say that I think the doctors did ANYTHING wrong at the hospital, I think they did the best they could with what was in front of them and this isn't something they deal with regularly so I have to give them credit. They were all very kind, compassionate, caring, and tried to help me in any way they could. That being said, there is a lot to be said for how things are delivered. We arrived at the hospital just before lunch and were seen pretty quickly. After a quick scan it was discovered that my cancer had in fact moved into my brain. This was causing the headaches and my brain was super irritated from the lesions on it. I should say that my specific breast cancer does go to the brain and it is just an area of the body that HER 2+ breast cancer can spread. There is a blood brain blocker (something like that) that prevents the chemotherapy from treating your brain however, so all of that great response to chemo in the rest of the body isn't allowed up in your brain because your brain sees the chemo as a toxin and will not allow it through, interesting huh? There was lots of scariness like it being there, "your brain is irritated and trying to force itself out of your head because of the irritation of the lesions" (YIKES?! WHAT?!) Yep, could have done without that little bit of information!!! So then we had to go from Wesley Long to Cone so that I could have an MRI done to get a better image and see exactly what we were dealing with. I wish I could say that it got better but it definitely did not. After hours more we were met by another doctor who had been in contact and working with the previous ER doctor. He came in to let us know that I in fact have 40-50 lesions on my brain and my scans were "incredible".
Incredible....
Let that sink in for a moment at the same time you hear 40-50 lesions.
Now I have not for one second thought this was it for me, nor given up, nor any of that. But when that was all said to me, I admittedly went there. And I have to tell you to hear this and your mom is there with you feeling all of the things you're feeling and plus some, this was probably a darker moment for me than the original experience of all of this. We went there and for a couple of hours. The room was hopeless, and all I could hear was 40-50 lesions and "incredible". It really quite pissed me off! I'm not some medical class case study, though maybe one day I will be. I am a person sitting here finding out this stuff right now and you just used the word "incredible"!!!! (Okay, I'm over it again.) But I did not think it was incredible. For the record.
After that was a blur, we were being admitted for the night, they started me on steroids right away and gave me a headache cocktail that I am so thankful for, and told me they were trying to reach the on call oncologist for the weekend and I would see them tomorrow some time. Meanwhile, my husband is home with our child, I don't know what to tell him but when you have to call him and tell him that he probably needs to call into work and then you have to tell him this over the phone, my heart broke into a million pieces all over again. He has certainly been such a positive trooper through all of this and tries to keep everyone up. Hearing him break for my situation was one of the lowest things I have ever had to do. There just is no good way. So my dad, husband and son all come up to the hospital to prepare to say goodnight. The sweet nugget brought a book for us to read, colored me a picture, and brought a stuffed animal for me to sleep with. <3 Have I told you how much he is my everything?!
So here's the silver lining, I'd been on the phone with my best friend Cat, crying and being a mess and then was talking to my best friend since Kinder, Elizabeth. Admittedly we were having that, you have been so good to me and the best friend and been there for everything in life and I'm sorry I wasn't as good a friend to you as you me, I was going on and on as we both cried hysterically into the phone. As I'm crying and loving to her, my door burst open, a man walks in, he looks at me and says "You want to go home?" In shock, I look up, abruptly ended our call and told her I'd call her back, and said, "excuse me?"
This man will forever be my God send. When I tell you there was only one thing that could have happened in this world at that moment, on that day, it was him. Dr. Ennover (I think that's the spelling but I will NEVER forget him.) The on call oncologist showed up at 9:30 that night, did NOT make me wait to see him until the next day, and came to let me go home. Of course my first question to him "Can I go to my son's football game in the morning?" Why not, he says?! My heart started beating again for the first time it felt like in hours. Again, he was a God send!
He talked with us a while about all the "scary" things that were said and completely understood. He said they don't see this every day, it's not their area so they are just going on what they have. He told me, yes there are lots of lesions but they aren't big masses. He wasn't worried and he tells his patients, when I worry, you can worry. You need to stop worrying, you are young and we can act aggressively. He did go on to say that he was shocked and impressed that aside from headaches that I had ZERO other issues. He did say that he was surprised I have not had a seizure and that I was functioning at a normal level for so many weeks, that just goes to show that we can do work with me. He told us he would be working, and already reached out, to radiation and they would have me set up and ready to get started on treatment Monday. They sure did too. He talked to me about his faith, how he felt about what I'm going through, how I can handle lots of stuff because my body seems to be fighting it really well and I'm going to be fine. I WILL NEVER FORGET HIM! He put us all at ease that night and I was so thankful for him. My parents, husband and son all left feeling like this isn't hopeless after all. Thankful, thankful, thankful, thankful, thankful.
Fast forward, I went to C's game and we ended up going to Charlotte for the weekend to celebrate a birthday for our cousin. It was so good to be with friends and family and I'm thankful for them as well. Sunday my oncologist called to check on me, so sweet, and we discussed what the plan was for Monday. Monday came and we began the plan. I was set for 14 treatments of whole brain radiation, I met with my oncologist and there was a mention of a special chemo pill that isn't easily accessible and costs LOTS of money, but she was going to try to get me approved (we were going to pay no matter what) to start it. This pill is supposed to be able to penetrate and work in the brain, YAY! There is a 65% chance of lifetime diarrhea (sorry if TMI) and a rash but for me beating cancer, who cares?! Within days I got a call that I had been approved and it was ready for pick up. Now I have to say this because YET AGAIN we have been so blessed in ways I cannot express. The doctor said it could run upwards of $1000 a month, this is for the rest of my life. When I called to see what we would need financially to cover the cost at pick up, "no cost". Wait, what?! Excuse me? No cost you said?! "No cost"........ Not only is it no cost to me, I guess I do have good insurance, it was over $6800 a month! WHAT?! Why are they making meds so expensive that people can't have them?!!! How are we trying to save people's lives if they don't have the access I do because I'm sure there are people who would use this if they could but can't afford it and I'm just so blessed and thankful that my insurance covers chemo at 100%. I'm so frustrated about that for others I can't stand it but remain thankful that it's something we don't have to chose between.
So that leads to here. I feel all over the place right now with my thoughts but it's been several weeks and it was a lot! I had very little time to get my life together after that Friday and pull myself back up and get my fight back. I did it fairly quickly, seriously days, and was back in fight mode by the next week. I've been positive as ever, I've been fighting like hell, and not a day goes by that I'm not thankful for that doctor that night, the team over the weekend getting me started so quickly, and the radiation I receive every day to help me fight this. OH! And those pills, which I have luckily had no reaction to!
Now radiation of the whole brain has been a whole other beast and quite an interesting feeling. I'm constantly tired, my body is so weak it takes me time to think about moving and getting up before I can actually do it. I'm not sick though, so I will take the tired, I will get my energy back so it's just temporary. I do a little bit of something and lay down because that's all I can do but that's okay. I'm here, I'm fighting, and I'm doing the best I can. I don't feel sorry for me, not for a second, I feel thankful. Thankful I can fight, thankful for the rest of my health like the doctor said, thankful for the medicine, radiation, insurance, lots of things people don't have that would make this something darn near impossible to do. I can't for one second imagine having to go through this and worry about all of the stuff that I probably should be that we don't have to. THANKFUL! I have two treatments left, Tuesday will be my last one, and then the waiting. 6 weeks waiting before we go for a scan to see how things played out. I pray every day, the entire 5 minutes on the table that the radiation is getting in there and killing every last spec of cancer in my brain and then the meds will continue to fight it and keep it from coming back. That's where my focus is. And you know what, I'd do this 50 times again and again to be victorious every time. I want to use my story and my attitude, and whatever else I've got to show the world it can be done and I'm going to do it. I'm fighting like hell and will never give up. There are options, I have an amazingly supportive family who is willing to move heaven and earth to help me do so and so I'm never going to be counted out. It will NOT ever be me! So there you have it. Pray for my complete brain healing every day, send all the positives you have my way, always keep it in your head that if anyone can do this, it's me, and don't ever for a single second let it in your thoughts that I can't because I can! I will! I am! Love to you all.
So I guess it was the 5th, I know it was a Friday and I think that was the day. It was such a rough day and I had been telling people as nice as it was to say that word "remission" there was something heavy about it. Now I know what. I had been having some headaches before that after a while went away with some heat and pillow changes, so even though we had an MRI lined up that didn't work out and we decided not to reschedule because my symptoms went away. I realize now that was the right thing to do, however, we cannot live like that with the "if only we had". So anyway, long story short the headaches came back and with a vengeance. That Friday my brand new refrigerator was being worked on and it was so painful all the noises and anything that my mom had to come over so I could lay in my bedroom. As soon as the guy left we went to the hospital where everything went from there.
I won't say that I think the doctors did ANYTHING wrong at the hospital, I think they did the best they could with what was in front of them and this isn't something they deal with regularly so I have to give them credit. They were all very kind, compassionate, caring, and tried to help me in any way they could. That being said, there is a lot to be said for how things are delivered. We arrived at the hospital just before lunch and were seen pretty quickly. After a quick scan it was discovered that my cancer had in fact moved into my brain. This was causing the headaches and my brain was super irritated from the lesions on it. I should say that my specific breast cancer does go to the brain and it is just an area of the body that HER 2+ breast cancer can spread. There is a blood brain blocker (something like that) that prevents the chemotherapy from treating your brain however, so all of that great response to chemo in the rest of the body isn't allowed up in your brain because your brain sees the chemo as a toxin and will not allow it through, interesting huh? There was lots of scariness like it being there, "your brain is irritated and trying to force itself out of your head because of the irritation of the lesions" (YIKES?! WHAT?!) Yep, could have done without that little bit of information!!! So then we had to go from Wesley Long to Cone so that I could have an MRI done to get a better image and see exactly what we were dealing with. I wish I could say that it got better but it definitely did not. After hours more we were met by another doctor who had been in contact and working with the previous ER doctor. He came in to let us know that I in fact have 40-50 lesions on my brain and my scans were "incredible".
Incredible....
Let that sink in for a moment at the same time you hear 40-50 lesions.
Now I have not for one second thought this was it for me, nor given up, nor any of that. But when that was all said to me, I admittedly went there. And I have to tell you to hear this and your mom is there with you feeling all of the things you're feeling and plus some, this was probably a darker moment for me than the original experience of all of this. We went there and for a couple of hours. The room was hopeless, and all I could hear was 40-50 lesions and "incredible". It really quite pissed me off! I'm not some medical class case study, though maybe one day I will be. I am a person sitting here finding out this stuff right now and you just used the word "incredible"!!!! (Okay, I'm over it again.) But I did not think it was incredible. For the record.
After that was a blur, we were being admitted for the night, they started me on steroids right away and gave me a headache cocktail that I am so thankful for, and told me they were trying to reach the on call oncologist for the weekend and I would see them tomorrow some time. Meanwhile, my husband is home with our child, I don't know what to tell him but when you have to call him and tell him that he probably needs to call into work and then you have to tell him this over the phone, my heart broke into a million pieces all over again. He has certainly been such a positive trooper through all of this and tries to keep everyone up. Hearing him break for my situation was one of the lowest things I have ever had to do. There just is no good way. So my dad, husband and son all come up to the hospital to prepare to say goodnight. The sweet nugget brought a book for us to read, colored me a picture, and brought a stuffed animal for me to sleep with. <3 Have I told you how much he is my everything?!
So here's the silver lining, I'd been on the phone with my best friend Cat, crying and being a mess and then was talking to my best friend since Kinder, Elizabeth. Admittedly we were having that, you have been so good to me and the best friend and been there for everything in life and I'm sorry I wasn't as good a friend to you as you me, I was going on and on as we both cried hysterically into the phone. As I'm crying and loving to her, my door burst open, a man walks in, he looks at me and says "You want to go home?" In shock, I look up, abruptly ended our call and told her I'd call her back, and said, "excuse me?"
This man will forever be my God send. When I tell you there was only one thing that could have happened in this world at that moment, on that day, it was him. Dr. Ennover (I think that's the spelling but I will NEVER forget him.) The on call oncologist showed up at 9:30 that night, did NOT make me wait to see him until the next day, and came to let me go home. Of course my first question to him "Can I go to my son's football game in the morning?" Why not, he says?! My heart started beating again for the first time it felt like in hours. Again, he was a God send!
He talked with us a while about all the "scary" things that were said and completely understood. He said they don't see this every day, it's not their area so they are just going on what they have. He told me, yes there are lots of lesions but they aren't big masses. He wasn't worried and he tells his patients, when I worry, you can worry. You need to stop worrying, you are young and we can act aggressively. He did go on to say that he was shocked and impressed that aside from headaches that I had ZERO other issues. He did say that he was surprised I have not had a seizure and that I was functioning at a normal level for so many weeks, that just goes to show that we can do work with me. He told us he would be working, and already reached out, to radiation and they would have me set up and ready to get started on treatment Monday. They sure did too. He talked to me about his faith, how he felt about what I'm going through, how I can handle lots of stuff because my body seems to be fighting it really well and I'm going to be fine. I WILL NEVER FORGET HIM! He put us all at ease that night and I was so thankful for him. My parents, husband and son all left feeling like this isn't hopeless after all. Thankful, thankful, thankful, thankful, thankful.
Fast forward, I went to C's game and we ended up going to Charlotte for the weekend to celebrate a birthday for our cousin. It was so good to be with friends and family and I'm thankful for them as well. Sunday my oncologist called to check on me, so sweet, and we discussed what the plan was for Monday. Monday came and we began the plan. I was set for 14 treatments of whole brain radiation, I met with my oncologist and there was a mention of a special chemo pill that isn't easily accessible and costs LOTS of money, but she was going to try to get me approved (we were going to pay no matter what) to start it. This pill is supposed to be able to penetrate and work in the brain, YAY! There is a 65% chance of lifetime diarrhea (sorry if TMI) and a rash but for me beating cancer, who cares?! Within days I got a call that I had been approved and it was ready for pick up. Now I have to say this because YET AGAIN we have been so blessed in ways I cannot express. The doctor said it could run upwards of $1000 a month, this is for the rest of my life. When I called to see what we would need financially to cover the cost at pick up, "no cost". Wait, what?! Excuse me? No cost you said?! "No cost"........ Not only is it no cost to me, I guess I do have good insurance, it was over $6800 a month! WHAT?! Why are they making meds so expensive that people can't have them?!!! How are we trying to save people's lives if they don't have the access I do because I'm sure there are people who would use this if they could but can't afford it and I'm just so blessed and thankful that my insurance covers chemo at 100%. I'm so frustrated about that for others I can't stand it but remain thankful that it's something we don't have to chose between.
So that leads to here. I feel all over the place right now with my thoughts but it's been several weeks and it was a lot! I had very little time to get my life together after that Friday and pull myself back up and get my fight back. I did it fairly quickly, seriously days, and was back in fight mode by the next week. I've been positive as ever, I've been fighting like hell, and not a day goes by that I'm not thankful for that doctor that night, the team over the weekend getting me started so quickly, and the radiation I receive every day to help me fight this. OH! And those pills, which I have luckily had no reaction to!
Now radiation of the whole brain has been a whole other beast and quite an interesting feeling. I'm constantly tired, my body is so weak it takes me time to think about moving and getting up before I can actually do it. I'm not sick though, so I will take the tired, I will get my energy back so it's just temporary. I do a little bit of something and lay down because that's all I can do but that's okay. I'm here, I'm fighting, and I'm doing the best I can. I don't feel sorry for me, not for a second, I feel thankful. Thankful I can fight, thankful for the rest of my health like the doctor said, thankful for the medicine, radiation, insurance, lots of things people don't have that would make this something darn near impossible to do. I can't for one second imagine having to go through this and worry about all of the stuff that I probably should be that we don't have to. THANKFUL! I have two treatments left, Tuesday will be my last one, and then the waiting. 6 weeks waiting before we go for a scan to see how things played out. I pray every day, the entire 5 minutes on the table that the radiation is getting in there and killing every last spec of cancer in my brain and then the meds will continue to fight it and keep it from coming back. That's where my focus is. And you know what, I'd do this 50 times again and again to be victorious every time. I want to use my story and my attitude, and whatever else I've got to show the world it can be done and I'm going to do it. I'm fighting like hell and will never give up. There are options, I have an amazingly supportive family who is willing to move heaven and earth to help me do so and so I'm never going to be counted out. It will NOT ever be me! So there you have it. Pray for my complete brain healing every day, send all the positives you have my way, always keep it in your head that if anyone can do this, it's me, and don't ever for a single second let it in your thoughts that I can't because I can! I will! I am! Love to you all.
Monday, February 27, 2017
Positive
It's been a while since my last post and there is a lot to update and talk about. I'm going to try to do my best to keep it organized as it all comes pouring out of my head onto the page. I ask you to hang in there if I start to ramble or go down random paths of thought.
A little over a month ago I had a PET scan. I was told that the PET scan shows EVERYTHING, bones, tissues... everything. So they use the PET to see what, if anything is left of the cancer. That day didn't seem as scary as I thought it would be once I woke up and started the motion of things. I was so thankful to be at some kind of peace that day knowing how scared I was the last time I was having a scan. The wait for the next few days was a tad bit anxiety filled but I managed. I went to the cancer center that Thursday morning and checked in like always, they did my blood work, and then I went back to see the doctor. While we were waiting, my nurse navigator came into the room and my heart stopped beating for a few seconds. She never comes to my appointments, she always comes to see me in the infusion room. I began feeling a sense of terror to see her in a place she wasn't supposed to be right before I was to find out the results of my scan. Once she read the look on my face as well as my mom's and we expressed our concern about her being there, she assured us that was NOT why she was there. She was coming to see how everything worked out since we had had some trouble with the scheduling and insurance approval of my scan and I had reached out to her a few days before to get her help. After that, my heart started again and I felt a sigh of relief. She then said she didn't know any details but had just run into my doctor in the hallway and she told her things were looking good. WHEW!!! What a relief, but what was good? Within a few moments my doctor came in and it was time to talk about the results. As my heart pounded and she sat down she begin to say that I responded really well to the chemo. I don't remember all of the details right now but I will do my best to recall them. On a PET scan they read things using numbers and a 2 or lower would be considered negative for any cancer. I had two smaller spots on my bones (rib and spine) that were no longer even in the report and she said that would be because they didn't find anything there. My lymph nodes are also no longer showing any cancer. My breast was a 2.61 (I think that's the number) and they said that means it is gone from my breast. (I need to add in here that my doctor said scans are a good indication but until they remove and test the tissue, they can't be 100% sure). The only two spots left were the larger spots on my bones on the pelvis and sternum. We didn't talk numbers in the beginning of my journey so I was surprised to see the numbers for both of them at the start and what they are now. I can't remember which was which but one was originally a 23 and is now a 4!!! The other was an 18 and is now a 3!!!! You talk about response to treatment! All of that was such amazing news.
I should have been so happy and for a few minutes I was over the moon. Then we got to talking about next steps and how there might not be any other steps except for my maintenance treatment. When she was telling me they may elect not to do surgery or radiation if the side effects are too dangerous for the outcome, my heart sunk and I felt like it was all for not. Here I was hearing great news and then thinking that we were finished. It felt like my road stopped short and I had been depending on these next steps for months. So on this day that should have been joyous and celebrated, I hardly felt like smiling. A week later a met with the surgeon who spoke with me at length about all of the questions I had formed since my last doctors visit and I left his office with mixed emotions after deciding that we were going to hold off on surgery until at least 3 months to see what the next scan showed. He said giving my body more time would give a clearer picture and more accurate with another scan because the body had more time to calm down after 5 months of such aggressive chemo treatments. He never once told me he would not do the surgery and left it up to my choice but weighed in heavily with the pros and cons and was willing to talk through it with me that day as long as I needed to keep talking.
Ironically in a time that should be happy, because I'm doing so well, I'm struggling to stay positive. Since the beginning people have told me that a positive attitude goes a long way towards your health. Knowing what I have been through to this point and the progress that my body has made, I am a firm believer in that but was having some trouble finding that positive. To be counting on these next steps and then feel like they were no longer there was almost as big of a blow to me as the original diagnosis and discovery period. 2 weeks later I went back to my doctor for my 3 week treatment and check-up and she and I talked more about the decision with my surgeon. For the first time through all of this I felt she was very convicted about which path I should take and she said that if my next scan was stable (no growth in cancer since stopping chemo) or if it was continuing to shrink, that she had talked to the surgeon and they are going to do a lumpectomy as well as either remove a few or biopsy some of my lymph nodes. After that I would likely start radiation on my pelvis and sternum. The down side is if it's not stable (cancer has grown since stopping chemo) then no surgery or radiation and we will have to revisit chemo treatment plans. I don't know why that conversation gave me some of my power back but it did. I still can't put my finger on it but all I know is it gave me that extra boost I needed. So here we are just finding my new normal and trying to get my life back to where I was before until my next scan in about 2 months when we will then make new plans.
That all leads me back to being positive. I have shocked myself all through this process at the strength I have managed to find inside and at my ability to stay mostly positive. I know that is what has lead me to where I am now, beating stage 4 cancer with every ounce of my body and soul. It has felt so good to be back to "normal" feeling and being able to function through a week without feeling completely dependent on everyone around me to even sometimes take a shower. To know I have made it through one of the most debilitating experiences that anyone could ever go through and I'm still swinging is empowering. But... I have to say that it is so disheartening when I am talking to people who have pity in their eyes, their voice, their words as they speak to me. The one thing that has not helped me through this is pity or sympathy from others. I know it's hard to hide and you feel so sorry, I would feel the same way, but you don't understand the damage it does. I have not once given up on me, I have not once felt sorry for myself, I have not once believed that this is it for me because it is not. I do not claim it and I see the results of my strong fight. So I ask all of you to do the same. Do not feel bad or sorry for me, do not feel sorry for my family or my close friends, do not look at me with pity and sadness because if you do, you have given up on me, you do not believe in me, and you do not think that I can win this fight. Look at me with awe and inspiration, look at me as an example for awareness for women and being more in tune with their bodies. Look at my family with joy because you know they will all be stronger because they have seen me fight a damn good fight and look at my son with pride knowing he will be such a strong and wonderful human because of me and the compassion and love he has shown me through this at the young age of 6. There are people living through this, exactly like me, who have made it through and come out the other end. So many people think you can't beat it but I know now that you can. I personally know someone who has since shown me others who have come out of the exact same stage and type of cancer I have and are living a normal life many, many years later. I don't ask why me because I know there is a purpose for this. I know I'm supposed to open peoples eyes, show myself just how strong I am when for so long I thought I was weak, and show people what you can do when you put your mind to it. So again I say, do not feel sorry for me or pity me because I don't want people who have given up on me. I want people who are going to look at me and I can see in their eyes they believe I can do this, people who are going to check me when I start to get down, and high five me when I'm up.
I have to tell you that I have been thinking about all of this for a while and when someone looks at me so sad, I internalize it and use it as more motivation to prove them wrong. It wasn't until I got a letter from my OBGYN stating that she had received some of my recent information from my oncologist and she was "so sorry, I know it's hard going through this". I was thrown off by that letter and kept asking myself why she was sorry, did she not see how much progress I had made? I realized it was pity, she was "so sorry" because she knew it was hard for me. Unless you have been through it you have NO idea how "hard" it is but your "sorrys" don't help. So I decided she can keep her sorry (I know it was coming from a good place) and I ripped up the letter and threw it in the trash leaving the negative behind. I have no time for anything but positive because I'm POSITIVE I am going to beat this thing.
Love you all
#TeamWhite #IWillRise #VictoryIsInMyVeins #IAmTheStorm
A little over a month ago I had a PET scan. I was told that the PET scan shows EVERYTHING, bones, tissues... everything. So they use the PET to see what, if anything is left of the cancer. That day didn't seem as scary as I thought it would be once I woke up and started the motion of things. I was so thankful to be at some kind of peace that day knowing how scared I was the last time I was having a scan. The wait for the next few days was a tad bit anxiety filled but I managed. I went to the cancer center that Thursday morning and checked in like always, they did my blood work, and then I went back to see the doctor. While we were waiting, my nurse navigator came into the room and my heart stopped beating for a few seconds. She never comes to my appointments, she always comes to see me in the infusion room. I began feeling a sense of terror to see her in a place she wasn't supposed to be right before I was to find out the results of my scan. Once she read the look on my face as well as my mom's and we expressed our concern about her being there, she assured us that was NOT why she was there. She was coming to see how everything worked out since we had had some trouble with the scheduling and insurance approval of my scan and I had reached out to her a few days before to get her help. After that, my heart started again and I felt a sigh of relief. She then said she didn't know any details but had just run into my doctor in the hallway and she told her things were looking good. WHEW!!! What a relief, but what was good? Within a few moments my doctor came in and it was time to talk about the results. As my heart pounded and she sat down she begin to say that I responded really well to the chemo. I don't remember all of the details right now but I will do my best to recall them. On a PET scan they read things using numbers and a 2 or lower would be considered negative for any cancer. I had two smaller spots on my bones (rib and spine) that were no longer even in the report and she said that would be because they didn't find anything there. My lymph nodes are also no longer showing any cancer. My breast was a 2.61 (I think that's the number) and they said that means it is gone from my breast. (I need to add in here that my doctor said scans are a good indication but until they remove and test the tissue, they can't be 100% sure). The only two spots left were the larger spots on my bones on the pelvis and sternum. We didn't talk numbers in the beginning of my journey so I was surprised to see the numbers for both of them at the start and what they are now. I can't remember which was which but one was originally a 23 and is now a 4!!! The other was an 18 and is now a 3!!!! You talk about response to treatment! All of that was such amazing news.
I should have been so happy and for a few minutes I was over the moon. Then we got to talking about next steps and how there might not be any other steps except for my maintenance treatment. When she was telling me they may elect not to do surgery or radiation if the side effects are too dangerous for the outcome, my heart sunk and I felt like it was all for not. Here I was hearing great news and then thinking that we were finished. It felt like my road stopped short and I had been depending on these next steps for months. So on this day that should have been joyous and celebrated, I hardly felt like smiling. A week later a met with the surgeon who spoke with me at length about all of the questions I had formed since my last doctors visit and I left his office with mixed emotions after deciding that we were going to hold off on surgery until at least 3 months to see what the next scan showed. He said giving my body more time would give a clearer picture and more accurate with another scan because the body had more time to calm down after 5 months of such aggressive chemo treatments. He never once told me he would not do the surgery and left it up to my choice but weighed in heavily with the pros and cons and was willing to talk through it with me that day as long as I needed to keep talking.
Ironically in a time that should be happy, because I'm doing so well, I'm struggling to stay positive. Since the beginning people have told me that a positive attitude goes a long way towards your health. Knowing what I have been through to this point and the progress that my body has made, I am a firm believer in that but was having some trouble finding that positive. To be counting on these next steps and then feel like they were no longer there was almost as big of a blow to me as the original diagnosis and discovery period. 2 weeks later I went back to my doctor for my 3 week treatment and check-up and she and I talked more about the decision with my surgeon. For the first time through all of this I felt she was very convicted about which path I should take and she said that if my next scan was stable (no growth in cancer since stopping chemo) or if it was continuing to shrink, that she had talked to the surgeon and they are going to do a lumpectomy as well as either remove a few or biopsy some of my lymph nodes. After that I would likely start radiation on my pelvis and sternum. The down side is if it's not stable (cancer has grown since stopping chemo) then no surgery or radiation and we will have to revisit chemo treatment plans. I don't know why that conversation gave me some of my power back but it did. I still can't put my finger on it but all I know is it gave me that extra boost I needed. So here we are just finding my new normal and trying to get my life back to where I was before until my next scan in about 2 months when we will then make new plans.
That all leads me back to being positive. I have shocked myself all through this process at the strength I have managed to find inside and at my ability to stay mostly positive. I know that is what has lead me to where I am now, beating stage 4 cancer with every ounce of my body and soul. It has felt so good to be back to "normal" feeling and being able to function through a week without feeling completely dependent on everyone around me to even sometimes take a shower. To know I have made it through one of the most debilitating experiences that anyone could ever go through and I'm still swinging is empowering. But... I have to say that it is so disheartening when I am talking to people who have pity in their eyes, their voice, their words as they speak to me. The one thing that has not helped me through this is pity or sympathy from others. I know it's hard to hide and you feel so sorry, I would feel the same way, but you don't understand the damage it does. I have not once given up on me, I have not once felt sorry for myself, I have not once believed that this is it for me because it is not. I do not claim it and I see the results of my strong fight. So I ask all of you to do the same. Do not feel bad or sorry for me, do not feel sorry for my family or my close friends, do not look at me with pity and sadness because if you do, you have given up on me, you do not believe in me, and you do not think that I can win this fight. Look at me with awe and inspiration, look at me as an example for awareness for women and being more in tune with their bodies. Look at my family with joy because you know they will all be stronger because they have seen me fight a damn good fight and look at my son with pride knowing he will be such a strong and wonderful human because of me and the compassion and love he has shown me through this at the young age of 6. There are people living through this, exactly like me, who have made it through and come out the other end. So many people think you can't beat it but I know now that you can. I personally know someone who has since shown me others who have come out of the exact same stage and type of cancer I have and are living a normal life many, many years later. I don't ask why me because I know there is a purpose for this. I know I'm supposed to open peoples eyes, show myself just how strong I am when for so long I thought I was weak, and show people what you can do when you put your mind to it. So again I say, do not feel sorry for me or pity me because I don't want people who have given up on me. I want people who are going to look at me and I can see in their eyes they believe I can do this, people who are going to check me when I start to get down, and high five me when I'm up.
I have to tell you that I have been thinking about all of this for a while and when someone looks at me so sad, I internalize it and use it as more motivation to prove them wrong. It wasn't until I got a letter from my OBGYN stating that she had received some of my recent information from my oncologist and she was "so sorry, I know it's hard going through this". I was thrown off by that letter and kept asking myself why she was sorry, did she not see how much progress I had made? I realized it was pity, she was "so sorry" because she knew it was hard for me. Unless you have been through it you have NO idea how "hard" it is but your "sorrys" don't help. So I decided she can keep her sorry (I know it was coming from a good place) and I ripped up the letter and threw it in the trash leaving the negative behind. I have no time for anything but positive because I'm POSITIVE I am going to beat this thing.
Love you all
#TeamWhite #IWillRise #VictoryIsInMyVeins #IAmTheStorm
Sunday, January 22, 2017
PTSD
I never thought I'd be at a place in my life where I could say I suffer from PTSD. Now let me be clear, there is no diagnosis of this and it is nothing compared to what some go through, but I am fighting the anxiety away with a bat for this coming week. I have no other way to classify what I'm experiencing and boy does it suck. I know I have a choice to let it consume me or to take control and fight for my happiness, the latter is not easy.
I guess I should explain... This week I will be getting scans done to see what the progress is in my body of the cancer tumors. The last time I had these scans done we were still finding out just what we were dealing with. For weeks I was going to appointments and getting blow after blow and being broken over and over. A few months ago I was feeling the anxiety of this week that I knew was coming on a big scale. I cried a lot and let my biggest fears take control of me. After talking to a friend who has been my number one "pull me up by the belt loops and stand me on my feet" person, I began to come out of my funk and get back on the trail of thinking positive. Since then I have felt so strong mentally and not been the least bit worried.
Now here we are, tomorrow is my PET scan and I won't know a thing until Thursday. I am fighting with myself over my thoughts and fighting hard to keep my eyes on the prize. I keep telling myself that I am winning this battle and I am a survivor, I will rise! As my anxiety creeps in at various times, I try to convince myself that I've got this and I say things to myself to build the confidence that I have got this. Tonight as I was driving alone my mind started to wander and I stuck my CD in and cranked up my Katie Perry song and sang it over and over and allowed myself to cry the first time through, but after that there were no more tears but a powerful strength filled their place. I will get through this week by fighting and fighting hard, as I have for the past 6 months. Thursday will come and I will probably go into my appointment with the doctor full of nerves knowing that I am hearing news about my scans again, remembering what it felt like the first time. However, I will go in knowing that I am fighting, I am winning, and I am a survivor.
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