Tomorrow

Today has been long and I was hoping the doctor would call today with news from the scans I had. Praying hard that it will be good news no matter when she calls. Unfortunately we have to wait another day and that makes tomorrow even scarier.

Tomorrow is day one of "Mission Fight", I think that's what I'm going to call it. I have surgery tomorrow to put in the port-a-cath that they will use for my chemo treatments. It's an outpatient thing so I hope it won't be too rough. I just hope that tomorrow's surgery is accompanied by good news of no other cancer in my body. (Fingers crossed, prayers up, and anything else I can think of.)

I am feeling better than I was a few days ago because in my head I know that no matter what, I can only move forward with what I'm handed and fight as hard as I can. I know that this is going to be a long road to travel and I'm just beginning, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to reach the other side successfully. So, here's to "Mission Fight", my family, and my friends... Tomorrow will be better!

A new school year...

I'm laying in bed preparing myself for our first day of school tomorrow. This will be my eighth year and Cadence is starting 1st grade. On top of the normal mom emotions, I'm anxiety ridden with all of the other goings on of my life. I'm sad at the fact my baby is entering another chapter and terrified of the chapter that I have only just begun.

After my extremely rough day last week, I somehow found my footing and made it through. I won't say I have felt as strong as I did, I'm still quite shaken, but I have done it one step at the time. I have had my weak moments but I have realized that it's okay to just cry. I let it out, I pray hard in that moment for some strength from the very pit of me that I can't seem to find on my own, I breathe deep and slow, and I begin to move again.

Tonight I am super thankful for friends. I have been completely overwhelmed with the showing up of my friends that I can't even believe that it's all real. My friends are really rallying around me in a way that I'm not sure I deserve. I have also noticed a common theme, they all definitely believe that I am way stronger than I give myself credit for. It reminds me of a child who feels like they can't do something. If people around them that they trust and know love them tell them they can enough times, they begin to do it. I'm just in awe of their kindness, caring, and willingness to take time out to support me. I will never be able to repay them but I hope to by beating this thing and showing them they were right.

This is going to be a tough year for me. I'm not even sure how long I'm going to be able to work through my chemotherapy. I hope that it will all work out and if I have to take leave, I will be back before I know it. I'm not overly concerned with work, I'm mostly focused on beating this stuff and getting back to my life as it was. But I do think that school will help me pass the time while I can be there.

So tonight, as I close my eyes for bed, I will pray for peace in my heart and mind and for healing of my body. I will pray for my friends and family who have done nothing but support me since day one so far. I will pray that this week will bring good news and nothing scary but if there is more to my story, I will pray for the strength to stand up tall and fight with all I have. I pray my little boy has a wonderful first day and school year and that he will be okay through all of this. Never forgetting for a second that he is my reason for fighting and I will fight to the ends of the earth for him.

Just when I thought I had it...

I walked in yesterday for Chemo Class feeling beyond okay about where I am and how things are going. I wouldn't say I was on top of the world by any means, but I was doing well. I had this, I was confident, and I was feeling completely strong.

Was... I wish I still was. I cried harder yesterday than I have ever cried in my life. People often say they feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath them. I felt like the power of a thousand elephants punched me in the chest and rocked my body to the absolute core. I didn't know I could feel any lower than I had in the past two weeks.

The doctor came in and reviewed my MRI results with me and my mom. They found a second lymph node, the lump is bigger than they originally measured, and there is an area of "concern" on my sternum that has to be checked to make sure it hasn't spread to my bones. The last part of that has added a whole new level to the fear that I'm carrying. I don't know how to handle this. I didn't know how to breathe in that moment, I couldn't stand, and I didn't want to pass another person that asked me how I was and have to smile and say "Good, thank you. How are you?" My mom and I just sat there as she did the best that any mother knows how to do in that situation. (I don't know where I would be right now without her by my side every moment through this.)

We left and I decided I was still going to try to go in to work. I managed to drive there without crying and felt like I would make it through the afternoon without incident and be able to distract myself with planning. I couldn't even make it in the building. I walked in and nearly collapsed in the arms of a dear friend who I couldn't have been more happy to see. I don't remember much at that time except for the pain that I felt in my heart and the sobbing that came from me that I had never heard before. I couldn't pull it together and at that moment didn't know how I ever would again. I couldn't continue taking these blows and I was broken for the last time. After spending a long time just sitting and crying with friends, I started to feel like I could stand. I still don't know where I found this little bit of strength. I managed to pull it all together and spend some time focusing on something else before time to go home.

My ride home was okay. It felt like such a safe place when I came in and saw Stephan, my husband, my sweet husband. The tears came again and I felt like I could say all of the things I was feeling inside out loud while he just held me and listened. I feel so bad for him because I know he's trying to figure out how to help me and how to protect me when he really can't do anything. Both of us like to be in control and we are quickly learning that in this situation we have absolutely no control of anything. Between Stephan and Cadence I was able to find a small bit of strength to be in that moment and that evening.

Cadence and I ended up back at mom and dad's last night because I didn't want to be alone while Stephan was at work. We had a good time and played some games, went out in the yard with the family and I found myself smiling. It felt good to be with them. When it came time to sleep, I just knew it'd be a long night but I woke up this morning not having remembered even falling asleep.

This morning was a brand new day and I woke up with that peace inside me again. I am still in awe of myself as I continue to find this strength. I have been praying hard and I have to think that I am getting some assistance. I got up, got ready, hugged my mom (for a very long time), and went to work. Today was like any other day. I even took my new hat and scarf catalog so my friends could help me pick out some fancy new head gear for my new look. We cut up, worked hard, talked too much, complained during training and went home just like any other day. And here I am writing this with few tears, hoping people don't judge the many grammatical errors I know I'm making and my poor writing skills. I'm here, I'm smiling, I'm fighting, I'm surviving, and I'm okay. I am going to be okay because there is no other choice for me. I can't control this right now, but I can fight, I can smile, I can laugh, I can love, and I can keep breathing slowly and putting one foot in front of the other. Whatever happens from this new information will be what it is and there is nothing I can do to change that. What I can do is fight it and not give up. I will not throw in the towel and let myself and my loved ones down. Not only do I have a long life to live and lots of places to go but I have a family and friends who love me and the most amazing little boy that the world has ever seen who I am not finished with yet.

I wish they'd stop looking at me like that

Tomorrow marks two weeks since I found out. I think it's safe to say that it was the worst day of my life. I sat in that room, my head spinning but absolutely blank. I don't remember a lot about what was said, there were lots of questions being asked and answered between my family and the doctor, questions I couldn't even begin to process. All I could do was cry.

It's strange to me, but I think the worst part of it all was seeing the 3 strongest people I have ever known be crushed to the absolute core. It seemed like hours, sitting there and everyone staring at me with eyes full of pity. I hate when people look at me that way. Then they gave me a bag... full of resources and "stuff" to help my "journey". It was a pink and black bag with a breast cancer ribbon on the front. I couldn't even pick up the bag when we left. It was like admitting what was just said to me was real and accepting that this was now my life.

That day I began to think about all of the millions of women who have been through this and are going through this just like me. How can they possibly go on with their lives like normal? How do you pick yourself from the deepest, darkest pits of hell that you are just plunged into and move forward? I couldn't comprehend how I was going to make it through each day from then on without being drowned in the pity from others and myself over my new life. The days seemed so long. I spent every night that week at my parents, including the one before the results. There was a peace about being there and not just for me. It was helpful since Stephan works nights so Cadence and I wouldn't be alone. I know it made my parents feel better too. The weekend came and we stayed home Saturday since Stephan would be off. It's almost like I had to relearn how to separate myself from the dependency of my parents and their home. I remember not sleeping good that night. We made it through another night and Monday came. It was time for Stephan to go back to work and for me to make a decision, start learning how to pick myself up or stay stranded. I woke up the next morning and realized that I was okay. I made it through the night and my mind didn't keep me up with all of the terrible things I know it has the capability of. But this next night wasn't going to be so easy.

Wednesday was finally here, it seemed like way more than any week I've ever lived through. My mom and I got up and drove to the Cancer Center, a place I wouldn't even call by name because of the same reason I wouldn't pick up that stupid bag. It was going to be a long morning, meeting the team of doctors that I was now going to be closely acquainted with. It was more miserable than I thought. I'd spent the entire last week crying off and on and trying to hide it. Now, each time someone new came into the room we had to re-hash the whole scenario and I'd cry all over again. I didn't know any human could cry that much in one day. They were very good and made sure that we were clear on as much as we could be but I couldn't help sitting there wishing that in my lifetime I never had to meet them. People said I would feel better knowing the "plan" when I left but I sort of felt more weighed down with the new information that was placed in my lap and what it all meant for me. This is going to be the hardest year of my life and I have a family and a job to tend to, I don't have time for all of this. What about my sister's wedding in a month? I can't have chemo treatments then... I'll be sick! I'm supposed to get my hair done and be her maid of honor. How can I do that with no hair?! You mean to tell me that you are going to leave this crap in me for 4-5 months before you take it out? We will start in the next two weeks... can we really wait that long?

Since then everything has happened pretty fast and to be honest, they couldn't have done it any sooner than two weeks in order to get everything in that needed to be completed before hand. MRI, echocardiogram, chemo class, meeting with my oncologist, port-a-cath surgery... By tomorrow, the only thing left on that list will be my surgery and then we start with chemo. I've heard that's where all of the fun is (note the sarcasm). I think that's the scariest part for me right now because nobody can tell you how your body is going to respond and this stuff makes you sick. I still cry when I throw up, how am I supposed to fight through these chemo treatments for 5 months? I already can't stand the looks of pity from everyone around me and the ones I'm imagining from total strangers on the street. And if I hear one more time, "Oh hunny, you're too young to be going through this." I might just lose it! Do they not realize that I'm fully aware of how "too young" I am to be going through this? I don't even have family history, so I'm WELL aware that this is just one of those crazy things that I got picked to deal with.

One thing I will always remember is feeling as if I was breaking bad news to everyone. Like I had to call or text people and let them down easy. I was worried about how to tell each person and if I had told everyone that needed to know the most. At one point I wondered why I even cared when I realized it's because that's who I am, more worried about everyone else around me than myself. I'm forever grateful and thankful for the overwhelming support I have received from the most amazing group of friends and family that anyone could ever hope for. I don't know that I have ever been so prayed for in my entire life. It's an amazing feeling knowing that you have so many people in your corner, thinking of you, praying for you, and loving you at any given moment.

It's ironic to me that I decided to blog tonight and found an old blog I had started when Cadence was born. Even more so, the title of it is A "Peace" of Mind. As I sit here tonight I have felt so at peace with it. I know how those women past and present have picked themselves up because I have no other choice. In the darkest time of my life, I have no choice but to pick myself up off the floor and push myself through the next second, minute, hour, day, week, month, and year. I can't explain to anyone how I'm doing it, sometimes I sit alone at night and wonder myself. But I'm doing it. I... Am... Doing it. I am going to fight, I'm going to continue to be the best mother I know how, the best wife I know how, and I am going to successfully push myself through each day until I am on the other side of this looking back and saying, I never realized how strong I am!