I walked in yesterday for Chemo Class feeling beyond okay about where I am and how things are going. I wouldn't say I was on top of the world by any means, but I was doing well. I had this, I was confident, and I was feeling completely strong.
Was... I wish I still was. I cried harder yesterday than I have ever cried in my life. People often say they feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath them. I felt like the power of a thousand elephants punched me in the chest and rocked my body to the absolute core. I didn't know I could feel any lower than I had in the past two weeks.
The doctor came in and reviewed my MRI results with me and my mom. They found a second lymph node, the lump is bigger than they originally measured, and there is an area of "concern" on my sternum that has to be checked to make sure it hasn't spread to my bones. The last part of that has added a whole new level to the fear that I'm carrying. I don't know how to handle this. I didn't know how to breathe in that moment, I couldn't stand, and I didn't want to pass another person that asked me how I was and have to smile and say "Good, thank you. How are you?" My mom and I just sat there as she did the best that any mother knows how to do in that situation. (I don't know where I would be right now without her by my side every moment through this.)
We left and I decided I was still going to try to go in to work. I managed to drive there without crying and felt like I would make it through the afternoon without incident and be able to distract myself with planning. I couldn't even make it in the building. I walked in and nearly collapsed in the arms of a dear friend who I couldn't have been more happy to see. I don't remember much at that time except for the pain that I felt in my heart and the sobbing that came from me that I had never heard before. I couldn't pull it together and at that moment didn't know how I ever would again. I couldn't continue taking these blows and I was broken for the last time. After spending a long time just sitting and crying with friends, I started to feel like I could stand. I still don't know where I found this little bit of strength. I managed to pull it all together and spend some time focusing on something else before time to go home.
My ride home was okay. It felt like such a safe place when I came in and saw Stephan, my husband, my sweet husband. The tears came again and I felt like I could say all of the things I was feeling inside out loud while he just held me and listened. I feel so bad for him because I know he's trying to figure out how to help me and how to protect me when he really can't do anything. Both of us like to be in control and we are quickly learning that in this situation we have absolutely no control of anything. Between Stephan and Cadence I was able to find a small bit of strength to be in that moment and that evening.
Cadence and I ended up back at mom and dad's last night because I didn't want to be alone while Stephan was at work. We had a good time and played some games, went out in the yard with the family and I found myself smiling. It felt good to be with them. When it came time to sleep, I just knew it'd be a long night but I woke up this morning not having remembered even falling asleep.
This morning was a brand new day and I woke up with that peace inside me again. I am still in awe of myself as I continue to find this strength. I have been praying hard and I have to think that I am getting some assistance. I got up, got ready, hugged my mom (for a very long time), and went to work. Today was like any other day. I even took my new hat and scarf catalog so my friends could help me pick out some fancy new head gear for my new look. We cut up, worked hard, talked too much, complained during training and went home just like any other day. And here I am writing this with few tears, hoping people don't judge the many grammatical errors I know I'm making and my poor writing skills. I'm here, I'm smiling, I'm fighting, I'm surviving, and I'm okay. I am going to be okay because there is no other choice for me. I can't control this right now, but I can fight, I can smile, I can laugh, I can love, and I can keep breathing slowly and putting one foot in front of the other. Whatever happens from this new information will be what it is and there is nothing I can do to change that. What I can do is fight it and not give up. I will not throw in the towel and let myself and my loved ones down. Not only do I have a long life to live and lots of places to go but I have a family and friends who love me and the most amazing little boy that the world has ever seen who I am not finished with yet.
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