Tomorrow marks two weeks since I found out. I think it's safe to say that it was the worst day of my life. I sat in that room, my head spinning but absolutely blank. I don't remember a lot about what was said, there were lots of questions being asked and answered between my family and the doctor, questions I couldn't even begin to process. All I could do was cry.
It's strange to me, but I think the worst part of it all was seeing the 3 strongest people I have ever known be crushed to the absolute core. It seemed like hours, sitting there and everyone staring at me with eyes full of pity. I hate when people look at me that way. Then they gave me a bag... full of resources and "stuff" to help my "journey". It was a pink and black bag with a breast cancer ribbon on the front. I couldn't even pick up the bag when we left. It was like admitting what was just said to me was real and accepting that this was now my life.
That day I began to think about all of the millions of women who have been through this and are going through this just like me. How can they possibly go on with their lives like normal? How do you pick yourself from the deepest, darkest pits of hell that you are just plunged into and move forward? I couldn't comprehend how I was going to make it through each day from then on without being drowned in the pity from others and myself over my new life. The days seemed so long. I spent every night that week at my parents, including the one before the results. There was a peace about being there and not just for me. It was helpful since Stephan works nights so Cadence and I wouldn't be alone. I know it made my parents feel better too. The weekend came and we stayed home Saturday since Stephan would be off. It's almost like I had to relearn how to separate myself from the dependency of my parents and their home. I remember not sleeping good that night. We made it through another night and Monday came. It was time for Stephan to go back to work and for me to make a decision, start learning how to pick myself up or stay stranded. I woke up the next morning and realized that I was okay. I made it through the night and my mind didn't keep me up with all of the terrible things I know it has the capability of. But this next night wasn't going to be so easy.
Wednesday was finally here, it seemed like way more than any week I've ever lived through. My mom and I got up and drove to the Cancer Center, a place I wouldn't even call by name because of the same reason I wouldn't pick up that stupid bag. It was going to be a long morning, meeting the team of doctors that I was now going to be closely acquainted with. It was more miserable than I thought. I'd spent the entire last week crying off and on and trying to hide it. Now, each time someone new came into the room we had to re-hash the whole scenario and I'd cry all over again. I didn't know any human could cry that much in one day. They were very good and made sure that we were clear on as much as we could be but I couldn't help sitting there wishing that in my lifetime I never had to meet them. People said I would feel better knowing the "plan" when I left but I sort of felt more weighed down with the new information that was placed in my lap and what it all meant for me. This is going to be the hardest year of my life and I have a family and a job to tend to, I don't have time for all of this. What about my sister's wedding in a month? I can't have chemo treatments then... I'll be sick! I'm supposed to get my hair done and be her maid of honor. How can I do that with no hair?! You mean to tell me that you are going to leave this crap in me for 4-5 months before you take it out? We will start in the next two weeks... can we really wait that long?
Since then everything has happened pretty fast and to be honest, they couldn't have done it any sooner than two weeks in order to get everything in that needed to be completed before hand. MRI, echocardiogram, chemo class, meeting with my oncologist, port-a-cath surgery... By tomorrow, the only thing left on that list will be my surgery and then we start with chemo. I've heard that's where all of the fun is (note the sarcasm). I think that's the scariest part for me right now because nobody can tell you how your body is going to respond and this stuff makes you sick. I still cry when I throw up, how am I supposed to fight through these chemo treatments for 5 months? I already can't stand the looks of pity from everyone around me and the ones I'm imagining from total strangers on the street. And if I hear one more time, "Oh hunny, you're too young to be going through this." I might just lose it! Do they not realize that I'm fully aware of how "too young" I am to be going through this? I don't even have family history, so I'm WELL aware that this is just one of those crazy things that I got picked to deal with.
One thing I will always remember is feeling as if I was breaking bad news to everyone. Like I had to call or text people and let them down easy. I was worried about how to tell each person and if I had told everyone that needed to know the most. At one point I wondered why I even cared when I realized it's because that's who I am, more worried about everyone else around me than myself. I'm forever grateful and thankful for the overwhelming support I have received from the most amazing group of friends and family that anyone could ever hope for. I don't know that I have ever been so prayed for in my entire life. It's an amazing feeling knowing that you have so many people in your corner, thinking of you, praying for you, and loving you at any given moment.
It's ironic to me that I decided to blog tonight and found an old blog I had started when Cadence was born. Even more so, the title of it is A "Peace" of Mind. As I sit here tonight I have felt so at peace with it. I know how those women past and present have picked themselves up because I have no other choice. In the darkest time of my life, I have no choice but to pick myself up off the floor and push myself through the next second, minute, hour, day, week, month, and year. I can't explain to anyone how I'm doing it, sometimes I sit alone at night and wonder myself. But I'm doing it. I... Am... Doing it. I am going to fight, I'm going to continue to be the best mother I know how, the best wife I know how, and I am going to successfully push myself through each day until I am on the other side of this looking back and saying, I never realized how strong I am!
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