This is harder than it looks.

I was feeling so good going into Friday and it went at least as expected. There were FINALLY no big blows and the day was super smooth. If I haven't already said this, my mom is really my rock through all of this. I know she doesn't feel that way but I don't know where I'd be without her.

So Friday, I went Friday and we were walking back to see the doctor when they tried to put me in that room again. I told the girl I just couldn't go in that room today. After she looked at me for a second while I explained, she then moved me to the other room with no problem. I already felt better about the visit. The doctor came in and told me what I had pretty much expected. The final report wasn't finished because they were still running some tests but the sternum is cancerous and she was confident that it is the breast cancer. I can say that I was okay with that because I was just hoping it wasn't something else that was going to throw us for a loop. So for the first time since all of this, I left the doctor's office without crying. Then on to chemo, boy was that a LONG day. It took the entire 8 hours and we were finally free from the cubby hole we occupied right after 6pm.

The good thing was that I was able to tolerate all of the meds without any incident and the next day I woke up feeling pretty normal. When you go from never taking meds and your body gets slammed with some of the strongest meds ever, I guess you have to expect a hard it. Today is Monday and I am struggling. I have never been one to let others do for me or one that felt so incapable of doing for myself. I find myself right in the middle of those two things and it is one of the hardest things to deal with. I love being independent and love being able to take care of myself. This is rough and I feel like it looks so fake. It's hard to explain how I'm feeling and how I even feel like my thoughts don't make sense. All I want is to push through this, feel mostly operational and not feel so drained. I can barely walk to the back of my not so large house and back without wanting to just sit down and go to sleep. It pains me not to be able to come home and keep up with my baby boy and have such a hard time functioning through the evening. Who knew meds could do this to your body and this is just the beginning.

Tonight I am asking that you all use those prayers and good words to help me get some strength and energy back. I want to be able to work and function with my family without feeling so sick and without being completely exhausted. I am still so motivated because my only choice is to stay strong and fight this, but I have never felt so weak in my life. So here is to another day tomorrow, to rest and regain my strength. Here is to my friends and my family who have been life savers. When you speak up these things, please say an extra little something for my momma who is carrying the weight of my world on her shoulders and won't have it any other way. I love you all and I'm still here, figuring out what the next year of my life is going to look like while I fight this fight.  I am so thankful to have so many people walking beside me and behind me to help me along.
#WhiteFightClub #MissionFight

Twas the night before chemo...

When you think about some of the biggest days of your life and what they will be, this is not one of those you envision having to having. Yet, here I am and here it is. Part of me is thankful that they pushed it back to this week because in this week I have been able to do something that at this time last week, I didn't think was possible. My mom keeps telling me she doesn't know how I do it and my response to her is always the same, "I don't either but I am." I have been smiling and laughing and living pretty much like normal (if you don't think about the not being able to work and going to the doctors office every day).

You know, I had a pretty good weekend, Monday started off shaky, but the rest of the week I have felt solid. I can pin point the moment during my biopsy appointment and the rush of emotion followed by a complete sense of, "I actually can and will do this." It's strange to think about and I keep putting myself back there. Since that very moment, at least for now, I have not had any hopeless feelings. I even caught myself yesterday wondering why I wasn't having more of those and what was wrong with me?! I quickly checked myself, said a little thank you prayer, as I have been doing LOTS lately, and kept moving. Even sitting by myself, I'm not in constant mental turmoil and able to just do things as normal.

So now here we are, the night before chemo, one of the biggest days of my life. I will do this 5 other times for a total of 6, every 3 weeks. I know I should be super nervous, especially with biopsy results coming tomorrow from the bone biopsy, but I'm not. I'm praying that it's benign and if not, that it's the same as the breast cancer and not anything worse or different to deal with. I'll probably be nervous until I get out of the doctors appointment and my goodness, if they head me down that hall to that same corner room, they may have to put me in a straight jacket and drag me in there! But for the moment I have a real overwhelming sense of peace and that I'm going to fight every minute of this. I have shared before that I still cry when I throw up, sometimes I have to hide it if Cadence comes running to check on me (he is so loving for his mommy), but I just hate throwing up. I am certainly nervous of all of the "stuff" that can come with chemo treatments, especially knowing how aggressive mine will be. I want to chew it up and spit it out and keep walking without it shaking me a bit. I want to be back at work on Monday morning moving like nothing touched me and I want to feel like a million bucks. However, I know what the expectations are and you know what, I'll take $100! I do know that the "expectations" will not define me and my treatment. I do know that I have to be the strongest person I have ever been and show the world and MYSELF what I'm actually made of. Who would have thought that the most sensitive cry baby would be a tough fighter?!

So in typical, I respond to everything in song fashion (my friends will be able to hear me singing this)... "All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go..." Thanks to all of you who have provided "entertainment" as I embark out on my journey to sit in a chair for 8 hours with a drip plugged into my chest! My mom texted me tonight and asked what time she needed to pick me up and also said "Leave the 20 pound bag at home" (referring to my purse). I told her I would, little down she know that I have a 30 pound "entertainment" bag that I will be bringing instead tomorrow! Wish me luck and maybe I'll finish The Chamber of Secrets tomorrow.

WhiteFightClub (Thanks Precious Face!)

I am determined to have more of these!

I wanted to write yesterday about my great Sunday but when I woke up I was back in a dark place. I was so bummed after being on such a high this weekend to be in such a bad place. I don't know if I'm more afraid of my feelings or what is actually happening. I don't know why I did but in that moment I was crumbling and I decided to pick up my phone and text my friend. I'm not sure why then and why that friend but it was exactly what I needed. She gave me confidence in myself and in the fact that even with where my cancer is, people can and have still beat it. I don't know if people are sick of me saying it but I need to hear often right now that I can do this, even with it having spread, and I will!

It was something about those texts, her words, or her combination of words that I could literally feel myself breathe in strength to take on the day. It wasn't my best day but it was much better than it started out. That made for two, almost full, good/great days in a row. So I decided tonight to blog because yet again, I had an amazing day. You know it's true what they say about keep going, get out, be around people, and keep functioning as best as you can. Today I was finally able to go to work and I was so happy and felt normal again. Of course the kids had lots of questions, especially my class from last year who knows I am never out of school. I was able to see Cadence twice today and he ran up and hugged and kissed me both times! I will miss it when he gets older and it's no longer cool to kiss your mom in front of your friends! So today was good, normal, and I think I even went for two whole hours without thinking about the newest chapter of my life. I think the next chapter, sometime next year, is going to be SuperFabulous is a Survivor!

I mentioned my friend, I will never be able to say enough how thankful I am for my friends. My friends and even complete strangers have reached out to me in a big way. I have been completely overwhelmed at the love and support I have gotten from them. The prayers, texts to check in with me and lift my spirits, cards, and even bags full of gifts to help me through my treatment. I have always thought that I surrounded myself with the best people through all phases of my life and I am in awe of the turnout of those very people, even back to people who I haven't spoken with since grade school. I hope you all will take this as the biggest thank you I can give and know that you all have impacted my heart, soul, body, and mind in the biggest way. So thank you for boosting me and carrying me through the most difficult time of my life. Thank you for being there on my best days and to lift me on my worst. Thank you for helping me focus on what is in front of me and not the path that I am going to travel. Thank you for helping me smile. Thank you for never letting me feel alone even when I think that's what I won't. Thank you for being the most amazing and unwavering humans there ever were. Thank you for making my story that much more special.

Today was great, the past few days have been good if not better than that, and right now I am smiling. I have so much to be thankful for and am still so very thankful for the amazing life I have. Today, was great and I am determined to have more of these!

The hits just keep on coming

When I thought I was prepared to handle anything, it happened again. After a week full of scans and surgery, I met with my doctor on Friday and was told there is in fact a lesion on my sternum and pelvis. At this time that's all we know but they weren't completely finished reading the PET scan. So here we are again in this dark place trying to claw my way out. 

I envision this feeling being similar to how they said chemo will be, each time you get weak but start to come back up but before you can make it back up all the way you get another dose so it gets harder each time. Each time I get hit I claw my way back up but each time I'm getting knocked down harder. I remember that sobbing again that sounded like it's coming from the pits of hell. It's hard to think you are capable of such uncontrollable sounds. All I could say was "my baby, my poor baby". I remember at that moment the doctor saying that I will be here for him, that this is still treatable. How someone can do this with people every day, I will never know. But all I want to know is that I can do this. I want to hear from doctors and people who work in the medical profession that while this is devastating, it is possible and I can do it. The doctor then told me of a woman that just finished treatment whose breast cancer had spread to her lungs and her tumor in her breast was quite larger than mine. After her chemo it had almost completely rid her body of the cancer. I'm deciding that is going to be my story. She is going to be telling my story to someone soon to give them hope because there is no other choice.

Yesterday I cried all day, I couldn't breathe without crying. The deepest pain I have ever felt just thinking of my sweet baby boy the entire time. I didn't know if I would be able to pick myself up this time. This time I am really feeling defeated. But today came and here I am. I am standing, I am talking, I am smiling, I am laughing, I am fighting down that evil hurt that I will not let control me. No matter what this life means for me, I refuse to go down weak and without a fight. Today I have spent all my time with that little boy I'm so scared for. I have surrounded myself with my family and I am gearing up for what the next week has in store for me. They may say they have found more spots but I will say, I will fight that too. There is nothing I can do to change what currently is but there is plenty I can do, starting now to change what will be.

I am hopeful that we are finished receiving the blows of all of this. I am hopeful that now we can get on a forward path of progress and never look back. I am hopeful that from all of the support and prayers I have received and the love of those around me that I am finding my feet. This is not going to be easy and I don't think for one second that it will, but I cannot lie down and give up. I will fight, I will crawl, I will do whatever it takes to get through this and stand on the other side a year from now and tell my little boy, "look what your mommy did!" And today, I will walk forward knowing that today there will be no changes and no bad news, and today I am okay.