I was feeling so good going into Friday and it went at least as expected. There were FINALLY no big blows and the day was super smooth. If I haven't already said this, my mom is really my rock through all of this. I know she doesn't feel that way but I don't know where I'd be without her.
So Friday, I went Friday and we were walking back to see the doctor when they tried to put me in that room again. I told the girl I just couldn't go in that room today. After she looked at me for a second while I explained, she then moved me to the other room with no problem. I already felt better about the visit. The doctor came in and told me what I had pretty much expected. The final report wasn't finished because they were still running some tests but the sternum is cancerous and she was confident that it is the breast cancer. I can say that I was okay with that because I was just hoping it wasn't something else that was going to throw us for a loop. So for the first time since all of this, I left the doctor's office without crying. Then on to chemo, boy was that a LONG day. It took the entire 8 hours and we were finally free from the cubby hole we occupied right after 6pm.
The good thing was that I was able to tolerate all of the meds without any incident and the next day I woke up feeling pretty normal. When you go from never taking meds and your body gets slammed with some of the strongest meds ever, I guess you have to expect a hard it. Today is Monday and I am struggling. I have never been one to let others do for me or one that felt so incapable of doing for myself. I find myself right in the middle of those two things and it is one of the hardest things to deal with. I love being independent and love being able to take care of myself. This is rough and I feel like it looks so fake. It's hard to explain how I'm feeling and how I even feel like my thoughts don't make sense. All I want is to push through this, feel mostly operational and not feel so drained. I can barely walk to the back of my not so large house and back without wanting to just sit down and go to sleep. It pains me not to be able to come home and keep up with my baby boy and have such a hard time functioning through the evening. Who knew meds could do this to your body and this is just the beginning.
Tonight I am asking that you all use those prayers and good words to help me get some strength and energy back. I want to be able to work and function with my family without feeling so sick and without being completely exhausted. I am still so motivated because my only choice is to stay strong and fight this, but I have never felt so weak in my life. So here is to another day tomorrow, to rest and regain my strength. Here is to my friends and my family who have been life savers. When you speak up these things, please say an extra little something for my momma who is carrying the weight of my world on her shoulders and won't have it any other way. I love you all and I'm still here, figuring out what the next year of my life is going to look like while I fight this fight. I am so thankful to have so many people walking beside me and behind me to help me along.
#WhiteFightClub #MissionFight
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