The hits just keep on coming

When I thought I was prepared to handle anything, it happened again. After a week full of scans and surgery, I met with my doctor on Friday and was told there is in fact a lesion on my sternum and pelvis. At this time that's all we know but they weren't completely finished reading the PET scan. So here we are again in this dark place trying to claw my way out. 

I envision this feeling being similar to how they said chemo will be, each time you get weak but start to come back up but before you can make it back up all the way you get another dose so it gets harder each time. Each time I get hit I claw my way back up but each time I'm getting knocked down harder. I remember that sobbing again that sounded like it's coming from the pits of hell. It's hard to think you are capable of such uncontrollable sounds. All I could say was "my baby, my poor baby". I remember at that moment the doctor saying that I will be here for him, that this is still treatable. How someone can do this with people every day, I will never know. But all I want to know is that I can do this. I want to hear from doctors and people who work in the medical profession that while this is devastating, it is possible and I can do it. The doctor then told me of a woman that just finished treatment whose breast cancer had spread to her lungs and her tumor in her breast was quite larger than mine. After her chemo it had almost completely rid her body of the cancer. I'm deciding that is going to be my story. She is going to be telling my story to someone soon to give them hope because there is no other choice.

Yesterday I cried all day, I couldn't breathe without crying. The deepest pain I have ever felt just thinking of my sweet baby boy the entire time. I didn't know if I would be able to pick myself up this time. This time I am really feeling defeated. But today came and here I am. I am standing, I am talking, I am smiling, I am laughing, I am fighting down that evil hurt that I will not let control me. No matter what this life means for me, I refuse to go down weak and without a fight. Today I have spent all my time with that little boy I'm so scared for. I have surrounded myself with my family and I am gearing up for what the next week has in store for me. They may say they have found more spots but I will say, I will fight that too. There is nothing I can do to change what currently is but there is plenty I can do, starting now to change what will be.

I am hopeful that we are finished receiving the blows of all of this. I am hopeful that now we can get on a forward path of progress and never look back. I am hopeful that from all of the support and prayers I have received and the love of those around me that I am finding my feet. This is not going to be easy and I don't think for one second that it will, but I cannot lie down and give up. I will fight, I will crawl, I will do whatever it takes to get through this and stand on the other side a year from now and tell my little boy, "look what your mommy did!" And today, I will walk forward knowing that today there will be no changes and no bad news, and today I am okay.