It's been a while since my last post and there is a lot to update and talk about. I'm going to try to do my best to keep it organized as it all comes pouring out of my head onto the page. I ask you to hang in there if I start to ramble or go down random paths of thought.
A little over a month ago I had a PET scan. I was told that the PET scan shows EVERYTHING, bones, tissues... everything. So they use the PET to see what, if anything is left of the cancer. That day didn't seem as scary as I thought it would be once I woke up and started the motion of things. I was so thankful to be at some kind of peace that day knowing how scared I was the last time I was having a scan. The wait for the next few days was a tad bit anxiety filled but I managed. I went to the cancer center that Thursday morning and checked in like always, they did my blood work, and then I went back to see the doctor. While we were waiting, my nurse navigator came into the room and my heart stopped beating for a few seconds. She never comes to my appointments, she always comes to see me in the infusion room. I began feeling a sense of terror to see her in a place she wasn't supposed to be right before I was to find out the results of my scan. Once she read the look on my face as well as my mom's and we expressed our concern about her being there, she assured us that was NOT why she was there. She was coming to see how everything worked out since we had had some trouble with the scheduling and insurance approval of my scan and I had reached out to her a few days before to get her help. After that, my heart started again and I felt a sigh of relief. She then said she didn't know any details but had just run into my doctor in the hallway and she told her things were looking good. WHEW!!! What a relief, but what was good? Within a few moments my doctor came in and it was time to talk about the results. As my heart pounded and she sat down she begin to say that I responded really well to the chemo. I don't remember all of the details right now but I will do my best to recall them. On a PET scan they read things using numbers and a 2 or lower would be considered negative for any cancer. I had two smaller spots on my bones (rib and spine) that were no longer even in the report and she said that would be because they didn't find anything there. My lymph nodes are also no longer showing any cancer. My breast was a 2.61 (I think that's the number) and they said that means it is gone from my breast. (I need to add in here that my doctor said scans are a good indication but until they remove and test the tissue, they can't be 100% sure). The only two spots left were the larger spots on my bones on the pelvis and sternum. We didn't talk numbers in the beginning of my journey so I was surprised to see the numbers for both of them at the start and what they are now. I can't remember which was which but one was originally a 23 and is now a 4!!! The other was an 18 and is now a 3!!!! You talk about response to treatment! All of that was such amazing news.
I should have been so happy and for a few minutes I was over the moon. Then we got to talking about next steps and how there might not be any other steps except for my maintenance treatment. When she was telling me they may elect not to do surgery or radiation if the side effects are too dangerous for the outcome, my heart sunk and I felt like it was all for not. Here I was hearing great news and then thinking that we were finished. It felt like my road stopped short and I had been depending on these next steps for months. So on this day that should have been joyous and celebrated, I hardly felt like smiling. A week later a met with the surgeon who spoke with me at length about all of the questions I had formed since my last doctors visit and I left his office with mixed emotions after deciding that we were going to hold off on surgery until at least 3 months to see what the next scan showed. He said giving my body more time would give a clearer picture and more accurate with another scan because the body had more time to calm down after 5 months of such aggressive chemo treatments. He never once told me he would not do the surgery and left it up to my choice but weighed in heavily with the pros and cons and was willing to talk through it with me that day as long as I needed to keep talking.
Ironically in a time that should be happy, because I'm doing so well, I'm struggling to stay positive. Since the beginning people have told me that a positive attitude goes a long way towards your health. Knowing what I have been through to this point and the progress that my body has made, I am a firm believer in that but was having some trouble finding that positive. To be counting on these next steps and then feel like they were no longer there was almost as big of a blow to me as the original diagnosis and discovery period. 2 weeks later I went back to my doctor for my 3 week treatment and check-up and she and I talked more about the decision with my surgeon. For the first time through all of this I felt she was very convicted about which path I should take and she said that if my next scan was stable (no growth in cancer since stopping chemo) or if it was continuing to shrink, that she had talked to the surgeon and they are going to do a lumpectomy as well as either remove a few or biopsy some of my lymph nodes. After that I would likely start radiation on my pelvis and sternum. The down side is if it's not stable (cancer has grown since stopping chemo) then no surgery or radiation and we will have to revisit chemo treatment plans. I don't know why that conversation gave me some of my power back but it did. I still can't put my finger on it but all I know is it gave me that extra boost I needed. So here we are just finding my new normal and trying to get my life back to where I was before until my next scan in about 2 months when we will then make new plans.
That all leads me back to being positive. I have shocked myself all through this process at the strength I have managed to find inside and at my ability to stay mostly positive. I know that is what has lead me to where I am now, beating stage 4 cancer with every ounce of my body and soul. It has felt so good to be back to "normal" feeling and being able to function through a week without feeling completely dependent on everyone around me to even sometimes take a shower. To know I have made it through one of the most debilitating experiences that anyone could ever go through and I'm still swinging is empowering. But... I have to say that it is so disheartening when I am talking to people who have pity in their eyes, their voice, their words as they speak to me. The one thing that has not helped me through this is pity or sympathy from others. I know it's hard to hide and you feel so sorry, I would feel the same way, but you don't understand the damage it does. I have not once given up on me, I have not once felt sorry for myself, I have not once believed that this is it for me because it is not. I do not claim it and I see the results of my strong fight. So I ask all of you to do the same. Do not feel bad or sorry for me, do not feel sorry for my family or my close friends, do not look at me with pity and sadness because if you do, you have given up on me, you do not believe in me, and you do not think that I can win this fight. Look at me with awe and inspiration, look at me as an example for awareness for women and being more in tune with their bodies. Look at my family with joy because you know they will all be stronger because they have seen me fight a damn good fight and look at my son with pride knowing he will be such a strong and wonderful human because of me and the compassion and love he has shown me through this at the young age of 6. There are people living through this, exactly like me, who have made it through and come out the other end. So many people think you can't beat it but I know now that you can. I personally know someone who has since shown me others who have come out of the exact same stage and type of cancer I have and are living a normal life many, many years later. I don't ask why me because I know there is a purpose for this. I know I'm supposed to open peoples eyes, show myself just how strong I am when for so long I thought I was weak, and show people what you can do when you put your mind to it. So again I say, do not feel sorry for me or pity me because I don't want people who have given up on me. I want people who are going to look at me and I can see in their eyes they believe I can do this, people who are going to check me when I start to get down, and high five me when I'm up.
I have to tell you that I have been thinking about all of this for a while and when someone looks at me so sad, I internalize it and use it as more motivation to prove them wrong. It wasn't until I got a letter from my OBGYN stating that she had received some of my recent information from my oncologist and she was "so sorry, I know it's hard going through this". I was thrown off by that letter and kept asking myself why she was sorry, did she not see how much progress I had made? I realized it was pity, she was "so sorry" because she knew it was hard for me. Unless you have been through it you have NO idea how "hard" it is but your "sorrys" don't help. So I decided she can keep her sorry (I know it was coming from a good place) and I ripped up the letter and threw it in the trash leaving the negative behind. I have no time for anything but positive because I'm POSITIVE I am going to beat this thing.
Love you all
#TeamWhite #IWillRise #VictoryIsInMyVeins #IAmTheStorm
Monday, February 27, 2017
Sunday, January 22, 2017
PTSD
I never thought I'd be at a place in my life where I could say I suffer from PTSD. Now let me be clear, there is no diagnosis of this and it is nothing compared to what some go through, but I am fighting the anxiety away with a bat for this coming week. I have no other way to classify what I'm experiencing and boy does it suck. I know I have a choice to let it consume me or to take control and fight for my happiness, the latter is not easy.
I guess I should explain... This week I will be getting scans done to see what the progress is in my body of the cancer tumors. The last time I had these scans done we were still finding out just what we were dealing with. For weeks I was going to appointments and getting blow after blow and being broken over and over. A few months ago I was feeling the anxiety of this week that I knew was coming on a big scale. I cried a lot and let my biggest fears take control of me. After talking to a friend who has been my number one "pull me up by the belt loops and stand me on my feet" person, I began to come out of my funk and get back on the trail of thinking positive. Since then I have felt so strong mentally and not been the least bit worried.
Now here we are, tomorrow is my PET scan and I won't know a thing until Thursday. I am fighting with myself over my thoughts and fighting hard to keep my eyes on the prize. I keep telling myself that I am winning this battle and I am a survivor, I will rise! As my anxiety creeps in at various times, I try to convince myself that I've got this and I say things to myself to build the confidence that I have got this. Tonight as I was driving alone my mind started to wander and I stuck my CD in and cranked up my Katie Perry song and sang it over and over and allowed myself to cry the first time through, but after that there were no more tears but a powerful strength filled their place. I will get through this week by fighting and fighting hard, as I have for the past 6 months. Thursday will come and I will probably go into my appointment with the doctor full of nerves knowing that I am hearing news about my scans again, remembering what it felt like the first time. However, I will go in knowing that I am fighting, I am winning, and I am a survivor.
Thursday, December 29, 2016
A Beautiful Disaster
As Sunday approaches I look back at this year and have lots of mixed emotions. It was supposed to be one of the best of my life and turned into the most tragic. I am closing this year that started out with such excitement and happiness and ending it with the battle of my life.
After 10 years of being together, Stephan and I were finally getting married. I have known since early on that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and he was my person. Of course, being who we are, we had to do things our way and some would say we did it all backwards. I think that we did it perfectly and we have built such a solid foundation and been through all life can throw at you to make sure we were a solid couple. I was so excited about finally coming to the day that we would marry and I could finally call him my husband. That word never gets old! It felt like time was flying and everything was falling into place. The day came and we were surrounded by the people we love the most and it was perfect! It was the most beautiful and special wedding I've ever been to and it was everything my little girl dreams had ever been made of. The Familymoon was just as special. Spending a week with my two favorite boys in the Bahamas at a beautiful resort was just the right ending to our celebration. When that was all over, life tossed us the most devastating blow that we could ever imagine.
We all know what happened next as our world came crashing down around us. I have said it before, it shook us all to the core and rocked our worlds as it felt like everything crumbled to our feet. And to feel the extreme high we had just been on emotionally and be knocked to an extreme low felt like all of the oxygen had been sucked out of the world and all the light was lost. Since that day I have been at war on many fronts, fighting at every corner I turn. As the year is ending, I am leading into the days before my last chemo treatment, a point at which I felt like would take forever to get to that has in fact approached very fast. The next month will bring lots of information and next steps for me on my path to victory. I hold on to things, no matter how small they may be, that keep my spirits lifted and keep my mind strong. There is one thing that has been super emotional for me since the beginning. There was a song I heard when it all happened and it was like a symbol of my journey. Every word spoke to me and I still can't hear the song without having extreme emotions. Recently I heard it on the way to my Aunt and Uncle's house on Christmas. Cadence had gotten the Kids Bop CD for Christmas and I had no idea it was on there. We were riding in the car listening and I was distracted by my run-away thoughts of my life and current situation when it came on. I was immediately overcome with emotion as I turned to Stephan and said, "this is my song, this is the song that sings the lyrics of my journey and my situation." As he began to listen with me I began to cry so hard I could barely see. He grabbed my hand and told me I was right and he has never once doubted me, he has faith that I'm going to beat this and he is so proud of me and how strong I am. We continued to listen and I continued to cry, hard, as I had just been drowning in my thoughts that were turning negative and scary, as they sometimes do. It was like a sign for me to be strong and "rise". Some days I listen to the song and feel so empowered and strong. I can jam out and sing it at the top of my lungs feeling the strength that it gives me as I have taken it as my anthem. Other days I cry and remind myself why it's my song and that "I will rise"! So as this year comes to an end and I sit here and reflect on all this year has brought us, I can only describe it as a beautiful disaster, one that gave me so much and taught me more about myself than I ever knew was possible. For that, I have to be thankful for 2016 and continue to be thankful for all I have and have been through knowing that it could be so much worse.
***I have linked the song and hope you will truly listen to the words as they have given me courage and strength as I fight forward.***
#VictoryIsInMyVeins #IWillStillRise
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdw1uKiTI5c
After 10 years of being together, Stephan and I were finally getting married. I have known since early on that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and he was my person. Of course, being who we are, we had to do things our way and some would say we did it all backwards. I think that we did it perfectly and we have built such a solid foundation and been through all life can throw at you to make sure we were a solid couple. I was so excited about finally coming to the day that we would marry and I could finally call him my husband. That word never gets old! It felt like time was flying and everything was falling into place. The day came and we were surrounded by the people we love the most and it was perfect! It was the most beautiful and special wedding I've ever been to and it was everything my little girl dreams had ever been made of. The Familymoon was just as special. Spending a week with my two favorite boys in the Bahamas at a beautiful resort was just the right ending to our celebration. When that was all over, life tossed us the most devastating blow that we could ever imagine.
We all know what happened next as our world came crashing down around us. I have said it before, it shook us all to the core and rocked our worlds as it felt like everything crumbled to our feet. And to feel the extreme high we had just been on emotionally and be knocked to an extreme low felt like all of the oxygen had been sucked out of the world and all the light was lost. Since that day I have been at war on many fronts, fighting at every corner I turn. As the year is ending, I am leading into the days before my last chemo treatment, a point at which I felt like would take forever to get to that has in fact approached very fast. The next month will bring lots of information and next steps for me on my path to victory. I hold on to things, no matter how small they may be, that keep my spirits lifted and keep my mind strong. There is one thing that has been super emotional for me since the beginning. There was a song I heard when it all happened and it was like a symbol of my journey. Every word spoke to me and I still can't hear the song without having extreme emotions. Recently I heard it on the way to my Aunt and Uncle's house on Christmas. Cadence had gotten the Kids Bop CD for Christmas and I had no idea it was on there. We were riding in the car listening and I was distracted by my run-away thoughts of my life and current situation when it came on. I was immediately overcome with emotion as I turned to Stephan and said, "this is my song, this is the song that sings the lyrics of my journey and my situation." As he began to listen with me I began to cry so hard I could barely see. He grabbed my hand and told me I was right and he has never once doubted me, he has faith that I'm going to beat this and he is so proud of me and how strong I am. We continued to listen and I continued to cry, hard, as I had just been drowning in my thoughts that were turning negative and scary, as they sometimes do. It was like a sign for me to be strong and "rise". Some days I listen to the song and feel so empowered and strong. I can jam out and sing it at the top of my lungs feeling the strength that it gives me as I have taken it as my anthem. Other days I cry and remind myself why it's my song and that "I will rise"! So as this year comes to an end and I sit here and reflect on all this year has brought us, I can only describe it as a beautiful disaster, one that gave me so much and taught me more about myself than I ever knew was possible. For that, I have to be thankful for 2016 and continue to be thankful for all I have and have been through knowing that it could be so much worse.
***I have linked the song and hope you will truly listen to the words as they have given me courage and strength as I fight forward.***
#VictoryIsInMyVeins #IWillStillRise
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdw1uKiTI5c
Monday, November 21, 2016
It started with a video...
I often say to people and wonder to myself how I have managed to be so strong and so positive through all of this. I have always struggled so much with dealing with heavy things in life and battled depression vs. staying on the bright side. I have never been able to see the light until after when I look back and think, why was that so hard for me. Because of past experiences, I continue to amaze myself at during this fight by having such strength. People keep telling me how much I inspire them, people also told me there would be a time I wouldn't feel so positive and that it's okay to take time to cry and be upset, to get it all out and move on.
This past week has been very trying for me emotionally. I have found myself battling very hard to stay positive and each time I turn around there is something else shaking my base, trying to knock the tower over. It started with a video. Those stupid videos on Facebook, which I spend too much time on lately, that pop up in your feed that have nothing to do with anything. It was about a young woman having stage 4 breast cancer. Let me be clear about the fact I have NOT asked about stage/prognosis since they found the other spots, I originally was diagnosed with stage 2 (I'll come back to this later). I have known since day 1 to not look up or read or watch anything online about cancer, I have known why it's not a good idea, and yet I couldn't keep scrolling. The video went on to say she was given 2-3 years. That was it, that was the moment in which my tower came crumbling down. I didn't watch anything else. I didn't want to see what an inspirational life she lead before she passed and how so many people will remember her as such an amazing person. I shut it off then and realized I had passed the point of no return. I cried, I cried hard. I had put myself back in the place I was when I found out my diagnosis. The place of fear, of sadness, of mourning what the future might hold for my baby boy. I curled up and cried for most of the day knowing that I had not asked any of the "hard questions", as my mom calls them, because I don't want to know what limit someone is willing to place on my life, yet here I am afraid that this may be my sentence. My poor, sweet husband, spent the entire day trying to comfort me and reassure me. I heard the sweetest words from him I have ever heard and some that meant more to me than anything he has ever said. We stood in the kitchen, me crying and him hugging me, and he told me he was so proud of me and I had been so strong, he didn't know I had this strength that he sees from me every day. Nothing he could say or do made me feel better. So I continued to cry and curled up in a ball crying on the couch for most of the rest of the day. Finally, at some point that afternoon, I started to coach myself. It was like talking myself down from the cliff. I began to remind myself that my doctors have never once put a limit on me and have ALWAYS talked about treating to cure. I reminded myself that my tumor and the place on my breast had responded after just the first treatment of chemo. I reminded myself that I am strong as hell and I have proven that to myself over the last 4 months and I am damn sure not going down like that. I reminded myself that I have faith that this is NOT the end of my story, I have too much left to do and the most important thing on that list is to be here to love that little boy and help him grow to be the best person he can be. Somehow, I managed to pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and push myself forward.
Since that day I have not been as strong as I have in the months, weeks, and days leading up. I can't unsee what I saw that day and I can't unfeel those feelings. So I find myself taking the time when I need it to cry and then I move on. I guess one person can only take being so strong for themselves and everyone else around them so much before they crack. It's hard feeling like everyone around me responds based on my actions. I try to hold it all together so that they will feel like it's okay and I'm okay and they can be okay. Most of the time it's real but some days it is very hard. And here I am now, finding myself more emotional and trying to pull it all back together. It is taking me some time, but I'm getting there, slowly. I must say, Cancer sucks! It sucks the life out of you and everyone around you if you let it and I almost did this past week. Now I'm sitting here typing this to say, NO MORE. It will not win, I will not let it, this will not define me, it will not take me away from who I am. I am woman, hear me roar! LOL! (Typing those last few sentences totally just made me feel loads better!)
To address the matter of the "hard questions". My mom was right, I haven't asked those because I wonder to myself what the point is. I mean, realistically we can figure most of it out. I don't want to sit in an office and hear someone spit statistics out to me because that's all it is. And what good does it do a person and their spirit to hear statistics that are stacked against you to be frank?! I don't need a doctor to tell me things that I can figure out on my own and I don't want to hear anything other than what are we going to do about it. My doctor has never once put a limit on me and given me a time frame. When she talks, she talks of treatment for cure and for that I will forever be thankful. I find great peace in that and knowing they are focused on this fight with me. I'm not getting treatment to help me while they can, they are trying to cure this stupid stuff and we are going to fight it together. And if that means I have to take "The Hammer" in chemo doses, then bring it on! So I ask all of you to support me, don't feel sorry for me, lift me up, keep praying, keep sending your love vibes (I love that name), and do not think of me as on a timer. Keep in your thoughts and prayers that I'm going to beat this and be one of those survivors because that's the only option I'm accepting. Don't even give the alternative a split second of your time because I'm not. I have cried and I am moving forward. I know I'm not finished crying yet, but I will be soon and I'm going to come out guns blazing.
As always, thank you. Thank you to the best family, friends, and support group I could ever ask for. Thank you for the continued cards, prayers, well wishes, sweet messages, and thoughtful expressions of support. You guys are an amazing team and I know I could not possibly do this without each and every one of you. This is the best team I've ever been a part of and while I wish for everything we didn't even have to have this team, I am beyond blessed and thankful that I have so many people rallying behind me. When this is all over, I'm going to look back and be so inspired to go out and make a difference with all you guys have given me. So again I say, thank you and I love you all from the bottom of my heart. #TeamWhite
This past week has been very trying for me emotionally. I have found myself battling very hard to stay positive and each time I turn around there is something else shaking my base, trying to knock the tower over. It started with a video. Those stupid videos on Facebook, which I spend too much time on lately, that pop up in your feed that have nothing to do with anything. It was about a young woman having stage 4 breast cancer. Let me be clear about the fact I have NOT asked about stage/prognosis since they found the other spots, I originally was diagnosed with stage 2 (I'll come back to this later). I have known since day 1 to not look up or read or watch anything online about cancer, I have known why it's not a good idea, and yet I couldn't keep scrolling. The video went on to say she was given 2-3 years. That was it, that was the moment in which my tower came crumbling down. I didn't watch anything else. I didn't want to see what an inspirational life she lead before she passed and how so many people will remember her as such an amazing person. I shut it off then and realized I had passed the point of no return. I cried, I cried hard. I had put myself back in the place I was when I found out my diagnosis. The place of fear, of sadness, of mourning what the future might hold for my baby boy. I curled up and cried for most of the day knowing that I had not asked any of the "hard questions", as my mom calls them, because I don't want to know what limit someone is willing to place on my life, yet here I am afraid that this may be my sentence. My poor, sweet husband, spent the entire day trying to comfort me and reassure me. I heard the sweetest words from him I have ever heard and some that meant more to me than anything he has ever said. We stood in the kitchen, me crying and him hugging me, and he told me he was so proud of me and I had been so strong, he didn't know I had this strength that he sees from me every day. Nothing he could say or do made me feel better. So I continued to cry and curled up in a ball crying on the couch for most of the rest of the day. Finally, at some point that afternoon, I started to coach myself. It was like talking myself down from the cliff. I began to remind myself that my doctors have never once put a limit on me and have ALWAYS talked about treating to cure. I reminded myself that my tumor and the place on my breast had responded after just the first treatment of chemo. I reminded myself that I am strong as hell and I have proven that to myself over the last 4 months and I am damn sure not going down like that. I reminded myself that I have faith that this is NOT the end of my story, I have too much left to do and the most important thing on that list is to be here to love that little boy and help him grow to be the best person he can be. Somehow, I managed to pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and push myself forward.
Since that day I have not been as strong as I have in the months, weeks, and days leading up. I can't unsee what I saw that day and I can't unfeel those feelings. So I find myself taking the time when I need it to cry and then I move on. I guess one person can only take being so strong for themselves and everyone else around them so much before they crack. It's hard feeling like everyone around me responds based on my actions. I try to hold it all together so that they will feel like it's okay and I'm okay and they can be okay. Most of the time it's real but some days it is very hard. And here I am now, finding myself more emotional and trying to pull it all back together. It is taking me some time, but I'm getting there, slowly. I must say, Cancer sucks! It sucks the life out of you and everyone around you if you let it and I almost did this past week. Now I'm sitting here typing this to say, NO MORE. It will not win, I will not let it, this will not define me, it will not take me away from who I am. I am woman, hear me roar! LOL! (Typing those last few sentences totally just made me feel loads better!)
To address the matter of the "hard questions". My mom was right, I haven't asked those because I wonder to myself what the point is. I mean, realistically we can figure most of it out. I don't want to sit in an office and hear someone spit statistics out to me because that's all it is. And what good does it do a person and their spirit to hear statistics that are stacked against you to be frank?! I don't need a doctor to tell me things that I can figure out on my own and I don't want to hear anything other than what are we going to do about it. My doctor has never once put a limit on me and given me a time frame. When she talks, she talks of treatment for cure and for that I will forever be thankful. I find great peace in that and knowing they are focused on this fight with me. I'm not getting treatment to help me while they can, they are trying to cure this stupid stuff and we are going to fight it together. And if that means I have to take "The Hammer" in chemo doses, then bring it on! So I ask all of you to support me, don't feel sorry for me, lift me up, keep praying, keep sending your love vibes (I love that name), and do not think of me as on a timer. Keep in your thoughts and prayers that I'm going to beat this and be one of those survivors because that's the only option I'm accepting. Don't even give the alternative a split second of your time because I'm not. I have cried and I am moving forward. I know I'm not finished crying yet, but I will be soon and I'm going to come out guns blazing.
As always, thank you. Thank you to the best family, friends, and support group I could ever ask for. Thank you for the continued cards, prayers, well wishes, sweet messages, and thoughtful expressions of support. You guys are an amazing team and I know I could not possibly do this without each and every one of you. This is the best team I've ever been a part of and while I wish for everything we didn't even have to have this team, I am beyond blessed and thankful that I have so many people rallying behind me. When this is all over, I'm going to look back and be so inspired to go out and make a difference with all you guys have given me. So again I say, thank you and I love you all from the bottom of my heart. #TeamWhite
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Hindsight and all that jazz
I've been thinking on this one for a while. At first I considered it no big deal to write the post that is going to wake everyone, to make them pay more attention. Each time I got close to writing it though, I pulled back. I'm not sure if it's because it's so personal, stupid, embarrassing. I'm really not sure but I know if I'm going to be an advocate and raise awareness, I have to stop feeling any type of way and just do it.
We always say that "hindsight is 20/20" and it's the saying I find myself caught in the most wondering why the heck didn't I "see" it before. This situation is no different and I can only blame the fact that I just don't concern myself with things I should at times and often put myself on the back burner. I will never say I regret anything I've done in my life, though if I did, this would come the closest to it.
The summer of 2015 I noticed a cracking in my left nipple and had some issues that I had attributed to my birth control since I had just had it replaced and was having some different side effects than the first time. Long story short, everything that revolved around it I continued to justify with what I made up in my head as was the problem and never went to the doctor for it. Boy was I stupid for that! You hear about lumps and self exams all the time but I had honestly NEVER heard that an issue with your nipple could be an indicator of breast cancer. So yes, I could have caught it a year prior (here's where it's hard to say you don't regret something). Well ladies and gentlemen, THIS IS AN INDICATOR! Not until a year later, yes I was still having the issue, did I find the lump in my breast that pushed me into the doctors office.
Had I known a year before that could be something, would I have gone in then? I don't know, maybe. The minute I found the lump and thought cancer it was scary enough for me to make a move so it very well may have. But at the same time I don't know if I would have talked myself down from the ledge or thought because it never cleared up that maybe it was serious and gone in sooner to give myself a better chance at fighting this. One can only think that I whole year would have made so much difference in this fight of my life and possibly a little easier. All I do know is that is not how my story was meant to be written.
But I'm here now, I'm fighting it now, and I'm not throwing in the towel EVER! Some great news is when we went for my second treatment and had my appointment prior with my doctor, my nipple had been cleared up for the first time in over a year AND the lump!!! The lump is not able to be measured because it has softened so much. The doctor did NOT say it was gone or that she couldn't feel it at all but I cannot find it. Trust me when I say that lump was there, it was present, it was large, I could find it every time, and had even slightly changed the shape of my breast in that area. NO MORE. She DID say that before it was measuring over 4cm, I don't know if I ever mentioned that before, but now we couldn't measure without scans. I don't know about you guys but if this is a tournament, chalk me up for a first round win! Hearing that after such a ROUGH reaction to my first treatment was like finding the pot of gold after searching your whole life. It was the best feeling in the world. Definitely a victory for #TeamWhite.
Tonight as I sit here 5 nights after having my 3rd round of chemo, I continue to push myself to stay in the positive. I continue to wonder where this strength has come from that I have never been able to find in my dark times of life before, a strength I never knew I even had an ounce of. But here I am, pushing hard to be tough for me, my family, my friends, my baby boy. I would also encourage each of you to not be like me in one way, take care of yourself. If you notice something off, don't be a hard head, get checked out. It is totally worth the price of saving your life.
(I realize some of this was in a prior post about after my first treatment, so for those of you who might have missed. It's still fun to talk about the positive we know so far.)
We always say that "hindsight is 20/20" and it's the saying I find myself caught in the most wondering why the heck didn't I "see" it before. This situation is no different and I can only blame the fact that I just don't concern myself with things I should at times and often put myself on the back burner. I will never say I regret anything I've done in my life, though if I did, this would come the closest to it.
The summer of 2015 I noticed a cracking in my left nipple and had some issues that I had attributed to my birth control since I had just had it replaced and was having some different side effects than the first time. Long story short, everything that revolved around it I continued to justify with what I made up in my head as was the problem and never went to the doctor for it. Boy was I stupid for that! You hear about lumps and self exams all the time but I had honestly NEVER heard that an issue with your nipple could be an indicator of breast cancer. So yes, I could have caught it a year prior (here's where it's hard to say you don't regret something). Well ladies and gentlemen, THIS IS AN INDICATOR! Not until a year later, yes I was still having the issue, did I find the lump in my breast that pushed me into the doctors office.
Had I known a year before that could be something, would I have gone in then? I don't know, maybe. The minute I found the lump and thought cancer it was scary enough for me to make a move so it very well may have. But at the same time I don't know if I would have talked myself down from the ledge or thought because it never cleared up that maybe it was serious and gone in sooner to give myself a better chance at fighting this. One can only think that I whole year would have made so much difference in this fight of my life and possibly a little easier. All I do know is that is not how my story was meant to be written.
But I'm here now, I'm fighting it now, and I'm not throwing in the towel EVER! Some great news is when we went for my second treatment and had my appointment prior with my doctor, my nipple had been cleared up for the first time in over a year AND the lump!!! The lump is not able to be measured because it has softened so much. The doctor did NOT say it was gone or that she couldn't feel it at all but I cannot find it. Trust me when I say that lump was there, it was present, it was large, I could find it every time, and had even slightly changed the shape of my breast in that area. NO MORE. She DID say that before it was measuring over 4cm, I don't know if I ever mentioned that before, but now we couldn't measure without scans. I don't know about you guys but if this is a tournament, chalk me up for a first round win! Hearing that after such a ROUGH reaction to my first treatment was like finding the pot of gold after searching your whole life. It was the best feeling in the world. Definitely a victory for #TeamWhite.
Tonight as I sit here 5 nights after having my 3rd round of chemo, I continue to push myself to stay in the positive. I continue to wonder where this strength has come from that I have never been able to find in my dark times of life before, a strength I never knew I even had an ounce of. But here I am, pushing hard to be tough for me, my family, my friends, my baby boy. I would also encourage each of you to not be like me in one way, take care of yourself. If you notice something off, don't be a hard head, get checked out. It is totally worth the price of saving your life.
(I realize some of this was in a prior post about after my first treatment, so for those of you who might have missed. It's still fun to talk about the positive we know so far.)
Thursday, October 13, 2016
And the winner of Round 1 is...
Today was finally the day to get my second of six rounds of chemo. I was so ready to get this show on the road but thankful for the extra delay so I could go to work for a few weeks before going on leave. At the same time, I've been really nervous about round 2 knowing how hard I was hit with round 1. I'm just hopeful that in the coming days, I will be better prepared this time around and know how to combat some of the symptoms I didn't know how to last time.
So here we are, got up this morning and got me and the little ready. Dad took him to school and mom took me to the doctors. Labs first, then meet with my oncologist, then on to chemo. I had no idea I would walk out of the doctor visit as happy as I did. I had checked a little over 2 weeks ago and not been able to find my lump anymore. Naturally I was excited but nervous that I was making it up and it was all in my head. I didn't tell but a handful of people because I was afraid it was too good to be true. Needless to say I was stoked today when I found out Dr. Feng would be examining me before my treatment and not just going over labs and whatnot. Great news is, she seemed as excited as I was when she did her exam and stated that it has softened to the point she wasn't even able to measure it!!!! Before I started chemo, it was solid and she was able to measure it at over 4cm. Now, I don't know if she can't measure it because it's so soft she can't find the start and finish of it or if there isn't really a "mass" there to measure. But either way, this is GREAT news! After just one treatment!!! And the other part of that is my nipple has cleared up as well! I have 4 treatments left after today's treatment and I have already had great news after just one.
You talk about a boost to push you forward!!! I thought I was going to go through all 6 rounds and not find out until afterwards if it even made any improvements but to get this news today was amazing and now I will take that and use it as motivation to push me through every round I have to endure! Thank you all for the continuous prayers and well wishes, support, and pushes at times to help me through. I truly believe that every bit of it, along with my positive outlook, and "savage" fight is what is doing this. I am beyond thankful today for this information and will keep that in the forefront of my mind over this next week as I battle the symptoms from this aggressive chemo dose. I AM DOING THIS!!!!!
On a side note, I finally saw some younger women in there around my age. It's not something I was excited to see because I don't wish this on anyone, but of all the times I have been there, I'm always the only one even close to my age. I was seated next to one in the treatment room today and found out she was 4 years younger than me with ovarian cancer. She is a high school teacher, we had a good conversation about our differences in our jobs and how things are going with being in and out and such this year. Tonight I will say a prayer for her that she gets good news like I have through her treatment and that all goes well for her. I ask that you will say one as well.
So it's me! I'm the winner of Round 1! I will remain the winner of every battle, no matter how hard, that I'm faced with. And I cannot wait to crown myself champion at the end of this match!
So here we are, got up this morning and got me and the little ready. Dad took him to school and mom took me to the doctors. Labs first, then meet with my oncologist, then on to chemo. I had no idea I would walk out of the doctor visit as happy as I did. I had checked a little over 2 weeks ago and not been able to find my lump anymore. Naturally I was excited but nervous that I was making it up and it was all in my head. I didn't tell but a handful of people because I was afraid it was too good to be true. Needless to say I was stoked today when I found out Dr. Feng would be examining me before my treatment and not just going over labs and whatnot. Great news is, she seemed as excited as I was when she did her exam and stated that it has softened to the point she wasn't even able to measure it!!!! Before I started chemo, it was solid and she was able to measure it at over 4cm. Now, I don't know if she can't measure it because it's so soft she can't find the start and finish of it or if there isn't really a "mass" there to measure. But either way, this is GREAT news! After just one treatment!!! And the other part of that is my nipple has cleared up as well! I have 4 treatments left after today's treatment and I have already had great news after just one.
You talk about a boost to push you forward!!! I thought I was going to go through all 6 rounds and not find out until afterwards if it even made any improvements but to get this news today was amazing and now I will take that and use it as motivation to push me through every round I have to endure! Thank you all for the continuous prayers and well wishes, support, and pushes at times to help me through. I truly believe that every bit of it, along with my positive outlook, and "savage" fight is what is doing this. I am beyond thankful today for this information and will keep that in the forefront of my mind over this next week as I battle the symptoms from this aggressive chemo dose. I AM DOING THIS!!!!!
On a side note, I finally saw some younger women in there around my age. It's not something I was excited to see because I don't wish this on anyone, but of all the times I have been there, I'm always the only one even close to my age. I was seated next to one in the treatment room today and found out she was 4 years younger than me with ovarian cancer. She is a high school teacher, we had a good conversation about our differences in our jobs and how things are going with being in and out and such this year. Tonight I will say a prayer for her that she gets good news like I have through her treatment and that all goes well for her. I ask that you will say one as well.
So it's me! I'm the winner of Round 1! I will remain the winner of every battle, no matter how hard, that I'm faced with. And I cannot wait to crown myself champion at the end of this match!
Monday, October 10, 2016
Hair today, gone tomorrow.
There have been so many "happenings" since my last post so I'm going to try to remember it all.
The last week I posted was so rough and I struggled after getting that first dose of chemo. I ended up at the doctor that Friday to get fluids because I was getting dehydrated. And I thought I was going to be at work every day that week! LOL! After that and utilizing some stomach meds, I was finally able to get on the mend. The next week I took it slow and worked some half days and prepared myself for the upcoming wedding weekend for my sister.
As it began to approach I was excited that my hair was remaining in tact. People kept saying that it wouldn't fall out that quickly but because of the dosage of chemo that I was given, my doctor said it probably would. Then came Thursday and I started getting handfuls of hair out. I was an emotional mess and cried most of the night as I'm losing something that meant more to me than I thought it did. It's interesting because I had told myself, and others, that I was prepared and didn't care and when the time came I was lost. I remember texting my mom and saying I would not have hair for the wedding Saturday. So we drove Friday to Wilmington to join the festivities and made it down in time for rehearsal. It was a full day and I managed to hang in there and keep up with all that was going on until dinner came. Stephan couldn't get to us because he was stuck in traffic that didn't move for over 3 hours from Wilmington to Southport and it was something about the environment that had me an emotional wreck. I was so happy for my sister and new brother but I couldn't stop being sad. It really made me reflect on my situation and how happy my life is but brought me to such a sad place and I felt HORRIBLE. I felt like I was bringing down the entire crowd. It was the most emotional I have been since finding out everything. That night I prayed hard and got a good nights sleep. Once we woke, it was go time and we went, and went, and went! I enjoyed getting ready with the girls and the best news was, MY HAIR MADE IT! The girls doing our hair were great and I told her when she started to get a trashcan. So as she worked on it carefully, more wads of hair were put in the trash, but I was okay. The wedding was great, I didn't ugly cry... I don't think, but I happy cried and loved standing by my sister's side on the happiest day of her life. She was a beautiful bride and we had a blast. I gave a stellar speech (I was so proud of myself), we had a lip sync battle, and there was great food, dancing and fun. My night ended on her back porch with my husband sitting next to me for support while I took down my hair and placed half of it into a plastic bag. This was really happening.
The next week was very heavy. I worked half days and went home to rest in the afternoons where every day I was sitting with a bag and taking out more and more hair. I was over the crying about it the first day it happened but now it was just a depressing process and I wasn't able to move forward. So Thursday I asked Stephan to shave my head! At first he agreed but when I hesitated for a moment he changed his mind because he wasn't going to watch me cry the whole time. I ended up talking him into it and we actually had a blast. He started with half my head and calling me Rihanna to then calling me Amber Rose when we were finished. I'm not sure I want to be either of them but I know it was a compliment. It wasn't until after that I started to cry because he was so sweet and loving and told me I actually looked good and he'd rather have me here with him than have hair any day. (Swoon!) After that day it's like the clouds parted and my life began moving forward again. Who knew that something like hair could rock your whole world.
I had the weekend to practice my wraps and get used to wearing them, I had already worn one that week when my hair was really thin. I am rocking those things like it's my job! This last week I worked full days all week and it felt GREAT! I had an amazing week and even attended a volleyball game at Southeast High where they played their Dig Pink game in honor of me. You talk about cool! I am so appreciative for that and grateful that people are thinking of me. The weekend was good and normal and we got to see my sister (Bug) and her new husband, my brother.
That leads us to today, a wonderful day! I forgot to mention during all of this that my port wasn't healing and they put my chemo off for 2 weeks to try and get it to heal. Today was my follow up to determine if it will heal and I can keep it or if we were going to have to have it removed and try a different route. Well, I thought it wasn't making much progress and like everything else on my journey so far, we were going to be faced with another "bump" in the road. Boy was I ecstatic when the doctor walked in, looked right at it and said, "Well that's looking MUCH better!" Whew! We dodged a bullet this time. It sent me right over the moon to finally not get the blow that you were already expecting. Everyone has done their happy dance this afternoon and I even felt good enough to take Cadence to karate for the first time in over a month. I just love watching him do something he loves to do! So now I'm here, sitting in bed, catching up, and thinking about all I have to be thankful for. I know that Thursday brings a new portion of this journey as we are going to get another dose of "The Hammer" (that's what my surgeon calls it). I know that I am nervous but will be more prepared and I'm ready to own it and not let it own me. I know that I will take it easy this time and not push too hard so that it doesn't push me back harder. I know that this is only temporary and that I will look back at this one day and say "I did that, not it did me, I. DID. THAT!" I know that I'm going to do this, no matter what lies ahead, I'm going to DO THIS and I'm going to come out the strongest person that I have ever encountered. I'm constantly in awe of myself at the end of the day when I think about where I am, what I'm dealing with, and how strong my mentality is. This does not define me and when I tell people that I have cancer, I mean... I HAVE cancer. I have this and I want people to remind me of that when I'm weak. I know that it is because the hundreds of people I have supporting me and praying for me that I have this and that I feel so strong. I am humbled by this experience and I'm thankful. I will continue to be thankful throughout this journey because there is too much to be thankful for. I will not hang my head in defeat because I have this. I will look back one day on this journey as if it was a quick flash in my life and think, "here today, gone tomorrow."
Thank you all so much!
#WhiteFightClub #TeamWhite #MySquadIsDeep
The last week I posted was so rough and I struggled after getting that first dose of chemo. I ended up at the doctor that Friday to get fluids because I was getting dehydrated. And I thought I was going to be at work every day that week! LOL! After that and utilizing some stomach meds, I was finally able to get on the mend. The next week I took it slow and worked some half days and prepared myself for the upcoming wedding weekend for my sister.
As it began to approach I was excited that my hair was remaining in tact. People kept saying that it wouldn't fall out that quickly but because of the dosage of chemo that I was given, my doctor said it probably would. Then came Thursday and I started getting handfuls of hair out. I was an emotional mess and cried most of the night as I'm losing something that meant more to me than I thought it did. It's interesting because I had told myself, and others, that I was prepared and didn't care and when the time came I was lost. I remember texting my mom and saying I would not have hair for the wedding Saturday. So we drove Friday to Wilmington to join the festivities and made it down in time for rehearsal. It was a full day and I managed to hang in there and keep up with all that was going on until dinner came. Stephan couldn't get to us because he was stuck in traffic that didn't move for over 3 hours from Wilmington to Southport and it was something about the environment that had me an emotional wreck. I was so happy for my sister and new brother but I couldn't stop being sad. It really made me reflect on my situation and how happy my life is but brought me to such a sad place and I felt HORRIBLE. I felt like I was bringing down the entire crowd. It was the most emotional I have been since finding out everything. That night I prayed hard and got a good nights sleep. Once we woke, it was go time and we went, and went, and went! I enjoyed getting ready with the girls and the best news was, MY HAIR MADE IT! The girls doing our hair were great and I told her when she started to get a trashcan. So as she worked on it carefully, more wads of hair were put in the trash, but I was okay. The wedding was great, I didn't ugly cry... I don't think, but I happy cried and loved standing by my sister's side on the happiest day of her life. She was a beautiful bride and we had a blast. I gave a stellar speech (I was so proud of myself), we had a lip sync battle, and there was great food, dancing and fun. My night ended on her back porch with my husband sitting next to me for support while I took down my hair and placed half of it into a plastic bag. This was really happening.
The next week was very heavy. I worked half days and went home to rest in the afternoons where every day I was sitting with a bag and taking out more and more hair. I was over the crying about it the first day it happened but now it was just a depressing process and I wasn't able to move forward. So Thursday I asked Stephan to shave my head! At first he agreed but when I hesitated for a moment he changed his mind because he wasn't going to watch me cry the whole time. I ended up talking him into it and we actually had a blast. He started with half my head and calling me Rihanna to then calling me Amber Rose when we were finished. I'm not sure I want to be either of them but I know it was a compliment. It wasn't until after that I started to cry because he was so sweet and loving and told me I actually looked good and he'd rather have me here with him than have hair any day. (Swoon!) After that day it's like the clouds parted and my life began moving forward again. Who knew that something like hair could rock your whole world.
I had the weekend to practice my wraps and get used to wearing them, I had already worn one that week when my hair was really thin. I am rocking those things like it's my job! This last week I worked full days all week and it felt GREAT! I had an amazing week and even attended a volleyball game at Southeast High where they played their Dig Pink game in honor of me. You talk about cool! I am so appreciative for that and grateful that people are thinking of me. The weekend was good and normal and we got to see my sister (Bug) and her new husband, my brother.
That leads us to today, a wonderful day! I forgot to mention during all of this that my port wasn't healing and they put my chemo off for 2 weeks to try and get it to heal. Today was my follow up to determine if it will heal and I can keep it or if we were going to have to have it removed and try a different route. Well, I thought it wasn't making much progress and like everything else on my journey so far, we were going to be faced with another "bump" in the road. Boy was I ecstatic when the doctor walked in, looked right at it and said, "Well that's looking MUCH better!" Whew! We dodged a bullet this time. It sent me right over the moon to finally not get the blow that you were already expecting. Everyone has done their happy dance this afternoon and I even felt good enough to take Cadence to karate for the first time in over a month. I just love watching him do something he loves to do! So now I'm here, sitting in bed, catching up, and thinking about all I have to be thankful for. I know that Thursday brings a new portion of this journey as we are going to get another dose of "The Hammer" (that's what my surgeon calls it). I know that I am nervous but will be more prepared and I'm ready to own it and not let it own me. I know that I will take it easy this time and not push too hard so that it doesn't push me back harder. I know that this is only temporary and that I will look back at this one day and say "I did that, not it did me, I. DID. THAT!" I know that I'm going to do this, no matter what lies ahead, I'm going to DO THIS and I'm going to come out the strongest person that I have ever encountered. I'm constantly in awe of myself at the end of the day when I think about where I am, what I'm dealing with, and how strong my mentality is. This does not define me and when I tell people that I have cancer, I mean... I HAVE cancer. I have this and I want people to remind me of that when I'm weak. I know that it is because the hundreds of people I have supporting me and praying for me that I have this and that I feel so strong. I am humbled by this experience and I'm thankful. I will continue to be thankful throughout this journey because there is too much to be thankful for. I will not hang my head in defeat because I have this. I will look back one day on this journey as if it was a quick flash in my life and think, "here today, gone tomorrow."
Thank you all so much!
#WhiteFightClub #TeamWhite #MySquadIsDeep
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