Today was finally the day to get my second of six rounds of chemo. I was so ready to get this show on the road but thankful for the extra delay so I could go to work for a few weeks before going on leave. At the same time, I've been really nervous about round 2 knowing how hard I was hit with round 1. I'm just hopeful that in the coming days, I will be better prepared this time around and know how to combat some of the symptoms I didn't know how to last time.
So here we are, got up this morning and got me and the little ready. Dad took him to school and mom took me to the doctors. Labs first, then meet with my oncologist, then on to chemo. I had no idea I would walk out of the doctor visit as happy as I did. I had checked a little over 2 weeks ago and not been able to find my lump anymore. Naturally I was excited but nervous that I was making it up and it was all in my head. I didn't tell but a handful of people because I was afraid it was too good to be true. Needless to say I was stoked today when I found out Dr. Feng would be examining me before my treatment and not just going over labs and whatnot. Great news is, she seemed as excited as I was when she did her exam and stated that it has softened to the point she wasn't even able to measure it!!!! Before I started chemo, it was solid and she was able to measure it at over 4cm. Now, I don't know if she can't measure it because it's so soft she can't find the start and finish of it or if there isn't really a "mass" there to measure. But either way, this is GREAT news! After just one treatment!!! And the other part of that is my nipple has cleared up as well! I have 4 treatments left after today's treatment and I have already had great news after just one.
You talk about a boost to push you forward!!! I thought I was going to go through all 6 rounds and not find out until afterwards if it even made any improvements but to get this news today was amazing and now I will take that and use it as motivation to push me through every round I have to endure! Thank you all for the continuous prayers and well wishes, support, and pushes at times to help me through. I truly believe that every bit of it, along with my positive outlook, and "savage" fight is what is doing this. I am beyond thankful today for this information and will keep that in the forefront of my mind over this next week as I battle the symptoms from this aggressive chemo dose. I AM DOING THIS!!!!!
On a side note, I finally saw some younger women in there around my age. It's not something I was excited to see because I don't wish this on anyone, but of all the times I have been there, I'm always the only one even close to my age. I was seated next to one in the treatment room today and found out she was 4 years younger than me with ovarian cancer. She is a high school teacher, we had a good conversation about our differences in our jobs and how things are going with being in and out and such this year. Tonight I will say a prayer for her that she gets good news like I have through her treatment and that all goes well for her. I ask that you will say one as well.
So it's me! I'm the winner of Round 1! I will remain the winner of every battle, no matter how hard, that I'm faced with. And I cannot wait to crown myself champion at the end of this match!
Thursday, October 13, 2016
Monday, October 10, 2016
Hair today, gone tomorrow.
There have been so many "happenings" since my last post so I'm going to try to remember it all.
The last week I posted was so rough and I struggled after getting that first dose of chemo. I ended up at the doctor that Friday to get fluids because I was getting dehydrated. And I thought I was going to be at work every day that week! LOL! After that and utilizing some stomach meds, I was finally able to get on the mend. The next week I took it slow and worked some half days and prepared myself for the upcoming wedding weekend for my sister.
As it began to approach I was excited that my hair was remaining in tact. People kept saying that it wouldn't fall out that quickly but because of the dosage of chemo that I was given, my doctor said it probably would. Then came Thursday and I started getting handfuls of hair out. I was an emotional mess and cried most of the night as I'm losing something that meant more to me than I thought it did. It's interesting because I had told myself, and others, that I was prepared and didn't care and when the time came I was lost. I remember texting my mom and saying I would not have hair for the wedding Saturday. So we drove Friday to Wilmington to join the festivities and made it down in time for rehearsal. It was a full day and I managed to hang in there and keep up with all that was going on until dinner came. Stephan couldn't get to us because he was stuck in traffic that didn't move for over 3 hours from Wilmington to Southport and it was something about the environment that had me an emotional wreck. I was so happy for my sister and new brother but I couldn't stop being sad. It really made me reflect on my situation and how happy my life is but brought me to such a sad place and I felt HORRIBLE. I felt like I was bringing down the entire crowd. It was the most emotional I have been since finding out everything. That night I prayed hard and got a good nights sleep. Once we woke, it was go time and we went, and went, and went! I enjoyed getting ready with the girls and the best news was, MY HAIR MADE IT! The girls doing our hair were great and I told her when she started to get a trashcan. So as she worked on it carefully, more wads of hair were put in the trash, but I was okay. The wedding was great, I didn't ugly cry... I don't think, but I happy cried and loved standing by my sister's side on the happiest day of her life. She was a beautiful bride and we had a blast. I gave a stellar speech (I was so proud of myself), we had a lip sync battle, and there was great food, dancing and fun. My night ended on her back porch with my husband sitting next to me for support while I took down my hair and placed half of it into a plastic bag. This was really happening.
The next week was very heavy. I worked half days and went home to rest in the afternoons where every day I was sitting with a bag and taking out more and more hair. I was over the crying about it the first day it happened but now it was just a depressing process and I wasn't able to move forward. So Thursday I asked Stephan to shave my head! At first he agreed but when I hesitated for a moment he changed his mind because he wasn't going to watch me cry the whole time. I ended up talking him into it and we actually had a blast. He started with half my head and calling me Rihanna to then calling me Amber Rose when we were finished. I'm not sure I want to be either of them but I know it was a compliment. It wasn't until after that I started to cry because he was so sweet and loving and told me I actually looked good and he'd rather have me here with him than have hair any day. (Swoon!) After that day it's like the clouds parted and my life began moving forward again. Who knew that something like hair could rock your whole world.
I had the weekend to practice my wraps and get used to wearing them, I had already worn one that week when my hair was really thin. I am rocking those things like it's my job! This last week I worked full days all week and it felt GREAT! I had an amazing week and even attended a volleyball game at Southeast High where they played their Dig Pink game in honor of me. You talk about cool! I am so appreciative for that and grateful that people are thinking of me. The weekend was good and normal and we got to see my sister (Bug) and her new husband, my brother.
That leads us to today, a wonderful day! I forgot to mention during all of this that my port wasn't healing and they put my chemo off for 2 weeks to try and get it to heal. Today was my follow up to determine if it will heal and I can keep it or if we were going to have to have it removed and try a different route. Well, I thought it wasn't making much progress and like everything else on my journey so far, we were going to be faced with another "bump" in the road. Boy was I ecstatic when the doctor walked in, looked right at it and said, "Well that's looking MUCH better!" Whew! We dodged a bullet this time. It sent me right over the moon to finally not get the blow that you were already expecting. Everyone has done their happy dance this afternoon and I even felt good enough to take Cadence to karate for the first time in over a month. I just love watching him do something he loves to do! So now I'm here, sitting in bed, catching up, and thinking about all I have to be thankful for. I know that Thursday brings a new portion of this journey as we are going to get another dose of "The Hammer" (that's what my surgeon calls it). I know that I am nervous but will be more prepared and I'm ready to own it and not let it own me. I know that I will take it easy this time and not push too hard so that it doesn't push me back harder. I know that this is only temporary and that I will look back at this one day and say "I did that, not it did me, I. DID. THAT!" I know that I'm going to do this, no matter what lies ahead, I'm going to DO THIS and I'm going to come out the strongest person that I have ever encountered. I'm constantly in awe of myself at the end of the day when I think about where I am, what I'm dealing with, and how strong my mentality is. This does not define me and when I tell people that I have cancer, I mean... I HAVE cancer. I have this and I want people to remind me of that when I'm weak. I know that it is because the hundreds of people I have supporting me and praying for me that I have this and that I feel so strong. I am humbled by this experience and I'm thankful. I will continue to be thankful throughout this journey because there is too much to be thankful for. I will not hang my head in defeat because I have this. I will look back one day on this journey as if it was a quick flash in my life and think, "here today, gone tomorrow."
Thank you all so much!
#WhiteFightClub #TeamWhite #MySquadIsDeep
The last week I posted was so rough and I struggled after getting that first dose of chemo. I ended up at the doctor that Friday to get fluids because I was getting dehydrated. And I thought I was going to be at work every day that week! LOL! After that and utilizing some stomach meds, I was finally able to get on the mend. The next week I took it slow and worked some half days and prepared myself for the upcoming wedding weekend for my sister.
As it began to approach I was excited that my hair was remaining in tact. People kept saying that it wouldn't fall out that quickly but because of the dosage of chemo that I was given, my doctor said it probably would. Then came Thursday and I started getting handfuls of hair out. I was an emotional mess and cried most of the night as I'm losing something that meant more to me than I thought it did. It's interesting because I had told myself, and others, that I was prepared and didn't care and when the time came I was lost. I remember texting my mom and saying I would not have hair for the wedding Saturday. So we drove Friday to Wilmington to join the festivities and made it down in time for rehearsal. It was a full day and I managed to hang in there and keep up with all that was going on until dinner came. Stephan couldn't get to us because he was stuck in traffic that didn't move for over 3 hours from Wilmington to Southport and it was something about the environment that had me an emotional wreck. I was so happy for my sister and new brother but I couldn't stop being sad. It really made me reflect on my situation and how happy my life is but brought me to such a sad place and I felt HORRIBLE. I felt like I was bringing down the entire crowd. It was the most emotional I have been since finding out everything. That night I prayed hard and got a good nights sleep. Once we woke, it was go time and we went, and went, and went! I enjoyed getting ready with the girls and the best news was, MY HAIR MADE IT! The girls doing our hair were great and I told her when she started to get a trashcan. So as she worked on it carefully, more wads of hair were put in the trash, but I was okay. The wedding was great, I didn't ugly cry... I don't think, but I happy cried and loved standing by my sister's side on the happiest day of her life. She was a beautiful bride and we had a blast. I gave a stellar speech (I was so proud of myself), we had a lip sync battle, and there was great food, dancing and fun. My night ended on her back porch with my husband sitting next to me for support while I took down my hair and placed half of it into a plastic bag. This was really happening.
The next week was very heavy. I worked half days and went home to rest in the afternoons where every day I was sitting with a bag and taking out more and more hair. I was over the crying about it the first day it happened but now it was just a depressing process and I wasn't able to move forward. So Thursday I asked Stephan to shave my head! At first he agreed but when I hesitated for a moment he changed his mind because he wasn't going to watch me cry the whole time. I ended up talking him into it and we actually had a blast. He started with half my head and calling me Rihanna to then calling me Amber Rose when we were finished. I'm not sure I want to be either of them but I know it was a compliment. It wasn't until after that I started to cry because he was so sweet and loving and told me I actually looked good and he'd rather have me here with him than have hair any day. (Swoon!) After that day it's like the clouds parted and my life began moving forward again. Who knew that something like hair could rock your whole world.
I had the weekend to practice my wraps and get used to wearing them, I had already worn one that week when my hair was really thin. I am rocking those things like it's my job! This last week I worked full days all week and it felt GREAT! I had an amazing week and even attended a volleyball game at Southeast High where they played their Dig Pink game in honor of me. You talk about cool! I am so appreciative for that and grateful that people are thinking of me. The weekend was good and normal and we got to see my sister (Bug) and her new husband, my brother.
That leads us to today, a wonderful day! I forgot to mention during all of this that my port wasn't healing and they put my chemo off for 2 weeks to try and get it to heal. Today was my follow up to determine if it will heal and I can keep it or if we were going to have to have it removed and try a different route. Well, I thought it wasn't making much progress and like everything else on my journey so far, we were going to be faced with another "bump" in the road. Boy was I ecstatic when the doctor walked in, looked right at it and said, "Well that's looking MUCH better!" Whew! We dodged a bullet this time. It sent me right over the moon to finally not get the blow that you were already expecting. Everyone has done their happy dance this afternoon and I even felt good enough to take Cadence to karate for the first time in over a month. I just love watching him do something he loves to do! So now I'm here, sitting in bed, catching up, and thinking about all I have to be thankful for. I know that Thursday brings a new portion of this journey as we are going to get another dose of "The Hammer" (that's what my surgeon calls it). I know that I am nervous but will be more prepared and I'm ready to own it and not let it own me. I know that I will take it easy this time and not push too hard so that it doesn't push me back harder. I know that this is only temporary and that I will look back at this one day and say "I did that, not it did me, I. DID. THAT!" I know that I'm going to do this, no matter what lies ahead, I'm going to DO THIS and I'm going to come out the strongest person that I have ever encountered. I'm constantly in awe of myself at the end of the day when I think about where I am, what I'm dealing with, and how strong my mentality is. This does not define me and when I tell people that I have cancer, I mean... I HAVE cancer. I have this and I want people to remind me of that when I'm weak. I know that it is because the hundreds of people I have supporting me and praying for me that I have this and that I feel so strong. I am humbled by this experience and I'm thankful. I will continue to be thankful throughout this journey because there is too much to be thankful for. I will not hang my head in defeat because I have this. I will look back one day on this journey as if it was a quick flash in my life and think, "here today, gone tomorrow."
Thank you all so much!
#WhiteFightClub #TeamWhite #MySquadIsDeep
Monday, September 12, 2016
This is harder than it looks.
I was feeling so good going into Friday and it went at least as expected. There were FINALLY no big blows and the day was super smooth. If I haven't already said this, my mom is really my rock through all of this. I know she doesn't feel that way but I don't know where I'd be without her.
So Friday, I went Friday and we were walking back to see the doctor when they tried to put me in that room again. I told the girl I just couldn't go in that room today. After she looked at me for a second while I explained, she then moved me to the other room with no problem. I already felt better about the visit. The doctor came in and told me what I had pretty much expected. The final report wasn't finished because they were still running some tests but the sternum is cancerous and she was confident that it is the breast cancer. I can say that I was okay with that because I was just hoping it wasn't something else that was going to throw us for a loop. So for the first time since all of this, I left the doctor's office without crying. Then on to chemo, boy was that a LONG day. It took the entire 8 hours and we were finally free from the cubby hole we occupied right after 6pm.
The good thing was that I was able to tolerate all of the meds without any incident and the next day I woke up feeling pretty normal. When you go from never taking meds and your body gets slammed with some of the strongest meds ever, I guess you have to expect a hard it. Today is Monday and I am struggling. I have never been one to let others do for me or one that felt so incapable of doing for myself. I find myself right in the middle of those two things and it is one of the hardest things to deal with. I love being independent and love being able to take care of myself. This is rough and I feel like it looks so fake. It's hard to explain how I'm feeling and how I even feel like my thoughts don't make sense. All I want is to push through this, feel mostly operational and not feel so drained. I can barely walk to the back of my not so large house and back without wanting to just sit down and go to sleep. It pains me not to be able to come home and keep up with my baby boy and have such a hard time functioning through the evening. Who knew meds could do this to your body and this is just the beginning.
Tonight I am asking that you all use those prayers and good words to help me get some strength and energy back. I want to be able to work and function with my family without feeling so sick and without being completely exhausted. I am still so motivated because my only choice is to stay strong and fight this, but I have never felt so weak in my life. So here is to another day tomorrow, to rest and regain my strength. Here is to my friends and my family who have been life savers. When you speak up these things, please say an extra little something for my momma who is carrying the weight of my world on her shoulders and won't have it any other way. I love you all and I'm still here, figuring out what the next year of my life is going to look like while I fight this fight. I am so thankful to have so many people walking beside me and behind me to help me along.
#WhiteFightClub #MissionFight
So Friday, I went Friday and we were walking back to see the doctor when they tried to put me in that room again. I told the girl I just couldn't go in that room today. After she looked at me for a second while I explained, she then moved me to the other room with no problem. I already felt better about the visit. The doctor came in and told me what I had pretty much expected. The final report wasn't finished because they were still running some tests but the sternum is cancerous and she was confident that it is the breast cancer. I can say that I was okay with that because I was just hoping it wasn't something else that was going to throw us for a loop. So for the first time since all of this, I left the doctor's office without crying. Then on to chemo, boy was that a LONG day. It took the entire 8 hours and we were finally free from the cubby hole we occupied right after 6pm.
The good thing was that I was able to tolerate all of the meds without any incident and the next day I woke up feeling pretty normal. When you go from never taking meds and your body gets slammed with some of the strongest meds ever, I guess you have to expect a hard it. Today is Monday and I am struggling. I have never been one to let others do for me or one that felt so incapable of doing for myself. I find myself right in the middle of those two things and it is one of the hardest things to deal with. I love being independent and love being able to take care of myself. This is rough and I feel like it looks so fake. It's hard to explain how I'm feeling and how I even feel like my thoughts don't make sense. All I want is to push through this, feel mostly operational and not feel so drained. I can barely walk to the back of my not so large house and back without wanting to just sit down and go to sleep. It pains me not to be able to come home and keep up with my baby boy and have such a hard time functioning through the evening. Who knew meds could do this to your body and this is just the beginning.
Tonight I am asking that you all use those prayers and good words to help me get some strength and energy back. I want to be able to work and function with my family without feeling so sick and without being completely exhausted. I am still so motivated because my only choice is to stay strong and fight this, but I have never felt so weak in my life. So here is to another day tomorrow, to rest and regain my strength. Here is to my friends and my family who have been life savers. When you speak up these things, please say an extra little something for my momma who is carrying the weight of my world on her shoulders and won't have it any other way. I love you all and I'm still here, figuring out what the next year of my life is going to look like while I fight this fight. I am so thankful to have so many people walking beside me and behind me to help me along.
#WhiteFightClub #MissionFight
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Twas the night before chemo...
When you think about some of the biggest days of your life and what they will be, this is not one of those you envision having to having. Yet, here I am and here it is. Part of me is thankful that they pushed it back to this week because in this week I have been able to do something that at this time last week, I didn't think was possible. My mom keeps telling me she doesn't know how I do it and my response to her is always the same, "I don't either but I am." I have been smiling and laughing and living pretty much like normal (if you don't think about the not being able to work and going to the doctors office every day).
You know, I had a pretty good weekend, Monday started off shaky, but the rest of the week I have felt solid. I can pin point the moment during my biopsy appointment and the rush of emotion followed by a complete sense of, "I actually can and will do this." It's strange to think about and I keep putting myself back there. Since that very moment, at least for now, I have not had any hopeless feelings. I even caught myself yesterday wondering why I wasn't having more of those and what was wrong with me?! I quickly checked myself, said a little thank you prayer, as I have been doing LOTS lately, and kept moving. Even sitting by myself, I'm not in constant mental turmoil and able to just do things as normal.
So now here we are, the night before chemo, one of the biggest days of my life. I will do this 5 other times for a total of 6, every 3 weeks. I know I should be super nervous, especially with biopsy results coming tomorrow from the bone biopsy, but I'm not. I'm praying that it's benign and if not, that it's the same as the breast cancer and not anything worse or different to deal with. I'll probably be nervous until I get out of the doctors appointment and my goodness, if they head me down that hall to that same corner room, they may have to put me in a straight jacket and drag me in there! But for the moment I have a real overwhelming sense of peace and that I'm going to fight every minute of this. I have shared before that I still cry when I throw up, sometimes I have to hide it if Cadence comes running to check on me (he is so loving for his mommy), but I just hate throwing up. I am certainly nervous of all of the "stuff" that can come with chemo treatments, especially knowing how aggressive mine will be. I want to chew it up and spit it out and keep walking without it shaking me a bit. I want to be back at work on Monday morning moving like nothing touched me and I want to feel like a million bucks. However, I know what the expectations are and you know what, I'll take $100! I do know that the "expectations" will not define me and my treatment. I do know that I have to be the strongest person I have ever been and show the world and MYSELF what I'm actually made of. Who would have thought that the most sensitive cry baby would be a tough fighter?!
So in typical, I respond to everything in song fashion (my friends will be able to hear me singing this)... "All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go..." Thanks to all of you who have provided "entertainment" as I embark out on my journey to sit in a chair for 8 hours with a drip plugged into my chest! My mom texted me tonight and asked what time she needed to pick me up and also said "Leave the 20 pound bag at home" (referring to my purse). I told her I would, little down she know that I have a 30 pound "entertainment" bag that I will be bringing instead tomorrow! Wish me luck and maybe I'll finish The Chamber of Secrets tomorrow.
WhiteFightClub (Thanks Precious Face!)
You know, I had a pretty good weekend, Monday started off shaky, but the rest of the week I have felt solid. I can pin point the moment during my biopsy appointment and the rush of emotion followed by a complete sense of, "I actually can and will do this." It's strange to think about and I keep putting myself back there. Since that very moment, at least for now, I have not had any hopeless feelings. I even caught myself yesterday wondering why I wasn't having more of those and what was wrong with me?! I quickly checked myself, said a little thank you prayer, as I have been doing LOTS lately, and kept moving. Even sitting by myself, I'm not in constant mental turmoil and able to just do things as normal.
So now here we are, the night before chemo, one of the biggest days of my life. I will do this 5 other times for a total of 6, every 3 weeks. I know I should be super nervous, especially with biopsy results coming tomorrow from the bone biopsy, but I'm not. I'm praying that it's benign and if not, that it's the same as the breast cancer and not anything worse or different to deal with. I'll probably be nervous until I get out of the doctors appointment and my goodness, if they head me down that hall to that same corner room, they may have to put me in a straight jacket and drag me in there! But for the moment I have a real overwhelming sense of peace and that I'm going to fight every minute of this. I have shared before that I still cry when I throw up, sometimes I have to hide it if Cadence comes running to check on me (he is so loving for his mommy), but I just hate throwing up. I am certainly nervous of all of the "stuff" that can come with chemo treatments, especially knowing how aggressive mine will be. I want to chew it up and spit it out and keep walking without it shaking me a bit. I want to be back at work on Monday morning moving like nothing touched me and I want to feel like a million bucks. However, I know what the expectations are and you know what, I'll take $100! I do know that the "expectations" will not define me and my treatment. I do know that I have to be the strongest person I have ever been and show the world and MYSELF what I'm actually made of. Who would have thought that the most sensitive cry baby would be a tough fighter?!
So in typical, I respond to everything in song fashion (my friends will be able to hear me singing this)... "All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go..." Thanks to all of you who have provided "entertainment" as I embark out on my journey to sit in a chair for 8 hours with a drip plugged into my chest! My mom texted me tonight and asked what time she needed to pick me up and also said "Leave the 20 pound bag at home" (referring to my purse). I told her I would, little down she know that I have a 30 pound "entertainment" bag that I will be bringing instead tomorrow! Wish me luck and maybe I'll finish The Chamber of Secrets tomorrow.
WhiteFightClub (Thanks Precious Face!)
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
I am determined to have more of these!
I wanted to write yesterday about my great Sunday but when I woke up I was back in a dark place. I was so bummed after being on such a high this weekend to be in such a bad place. I don't know if I'm more afraid of my feelings or what is actually happening. I don't know why I did but in that moment I was crumbling and I decided to pick up my phone and text my friend. I'm not sure why then and why that friend but it was exactly what I needed. She gave me confidence in myself and in the fact that even with where my cancer is, people can and have still beat it. I don't know if people are sick of me saying it but I need to hear often right now that I can do this, even with it having spread, and I will!
It was something about those texts, her words, or her combination of words that I could literally feel myself breathe in strength to take on the day. It wasn't my best day but it was much better than it started out. That made for two, almost full, good/great days in a row. So I decided tonight to blog because yet again, I had an amazing day. You know it's true what they say about keep going, get out, be around people, and keep functioning as best as you can. Today I was finally able to go to work and I was so happy and felt normal again. Of course the kids had lots of questions, especially my class from last year who knows I am never out of school. I was able to see Cadence twice today and he ran up and hugged and kissed me both times! I will miss it when he gets older and it's no longer cool to kiss your mom in front of your friends! So today was good, normal, and I think I even went for two whole hours without thinking about the newest chapter of my life. I think the next chapter, sometime next year, is going to be SuperFabulous is a Survivor!
I mentioned my friend, I will never be able to say enough how thankful I am for my friends. My friends and even complete strangers have reached out to me in a big way. I have been completely overwhelmed at the love and support I have gotten from them. The prayers, texts to check in with me and lift my spirits, cards, and even bags full of gifts to help me through my treatment. I have always thought that I surrounded myself with the best people through all phases of my life and I am in awe of the turnout of those very people, even back to people who I haven't spoken with since grade school. I hope you all will take this as the biggest thank you I can give and know that you all have impacted my heart, soul, body, and mind in the biggest way. So thank you for boosting me and carrying me through the most difficult time of my life. Thank you for being there on my best days and to lift me on my worst. Thank you for helping me focus on what is in front of me and not the path that I am going to travel. Thank you for helping me smile. Thank you for never letting me feel alone even when I think that's what I won't. Thank you for being the most amazing and unwavering humans there ever were. Thank you for making my story that much more special.
Today was great, the past few days have been good if not better than that, and right now I am smiling. I have so much to be thankful for and am still so very thankful for the amazing life I have. Today, was great and I am determined to have more of these!
It was something about those texts, her words, or her combination of words that I could literally feel myself breathe in strength to take on the day. It wasn't my best day but it was much better than it started out. That made for two, almost full, good/great days in a row. So I decided tonight to blog because yet again, I had an amazing day. You know it's true what they say about keep going, get out, be around people, and keep functioning as best as you can. Today I was finally able to go to work and I was so happy and felt normal again. Of course the kids had lots of questions, especially my class from last year who knows I am never out of school. I was able to see Cadence twice today and he ran up and hugged and kissed me both times! I will miss it when he gets older and it's no longer cool to kiss your mom in front of your friends! So today was good, normal, and I think I even went for two whole hours without thinking about the newest chapter of my life. I think the next chapter, sometime next year, is going to be SuperFabulous is a Survivor!
I mentioned my friend, I will never be able to say enough how thankful I am for my friends. My friends and even complete strangers have reached out to me in a big way. I have been completely overwhelmed at the love and support I have gotten from them. The prayers, texts to check in with me and lift my spirits, cards, and even bags full of gifts to help me through my treatment. I have always thought that I surrounded myself with the best people through all phases of my life and I am in awe of the turnout of those very people, even back to people who I haven't spoken with since grade school. I hope you all will take this as the biggest thank you I can give and know that you all have impacted my heart, soul, body, and mind in the biggest way. So thank you for boosting me and carrying me through the most difficult time of my life. Thank you for being there on my best days and to lift me on my worst. Thank you for helping me focus on what is in front of me and not the path that I am going to travel. Thank you for helping me smile. Thank you for never letting me feel alone even when I think that's what I won't. Thank you for being the most amazing and unwavering humans there ever were. Thank you for making my story that much more special.
Today was great, the past few days have been good if not better than that, and right now I am smiling. I have so much to be thankful for and am still so very thankful for the amazing life I have. Today, was great and I am determined to have more of these!
Saturday, September 3, 2016
The hits just keep on coming
When I thought I was prepared to handle anything, it happened again. After a week full of scans and surgery, I met with my doctor on Friday and was told there is in fact a lesion on my sternum and pelvis. At this time that's all we know but they weren't completely finished reading the PET scan. So here we are again in this dark place trying to claw my way out.
I envision this feeling being similar to how they said chemo will be, each time you get weak but start to come back up but before you can make it back up all the way you get another dose so it gets harder each time. Each time I get hit I claw my way back up but each time I'm getting knocked down harder. I remember that sobbing again that sounded like it's coming from the pits of hell. It's hard to think you are capable of such uncontrollable sounds. All I could say was "my baby, my poor baby". I remember at that moment the doctor saying that I will be here for him, that this is still treatable. How someone can do this with people every day, I will never know. But all I want to know is that I can do this. I want to hear from doctors and people who work in the medical profession that while this is devastating, it is possible and I can do it. The doctor then told me of a woman that just finished treatment whose breast cancer had spread to her lungs and her tumor in her breast was quite larger than mine. After her chemo it had almost completely rid her body of the cancer. I'm deciding that is going to be my story. She is going to be telling my story to someone soon to give them hope because there is no other choice.
Yesterday I cried all day, I couldn't breathe without crying. The deepest pain I have ever felt just thinking of my sweet baby boy the entire time. I didn't know if I would be able to pick myself up this time. This time I am really feeling defeated. But today came and here I am. I am standing, I am talking, I am smiling, I am laughing, I am fighting down that evil hurt that I will not let control me. No matter what this life means for me, I refuse to go down weak and without a fight. Today I have spent all my time with that little boy I'm so scared for. I have surrounded myself with my family and I am gearing up for what the next week has in store for me. They may say they have found more spots but I will say, I will fight that too. There is nothing I can do to change what currently is but there is plenty I can do, starting now to change what will be.
I am hopeful that we are finished receiving the blows of all of this. I am hopeful that now we can get on a forward path of progress and never look back. I am hopeful that from all of the support and prayers I have received and the love of those around me that I am finding my feet. This is not going to be easy and I don't think for one second that it will, but I cannot lie down and give up. I will fight, I will crawl, I will do whatever it takes to get through this and stand on the other side a year from now and tell my little boy, "look what your mommy did!" And today, I will walk forward knowing that today there will be no changes and no bad news, and today I am okay.
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Tomorrow
Today has been long and I was hoping the doctor would call today with news from the scans I had. Praying hard that it will be good news no matter when she calls. Unfortunately we have to wait another day and that makes tomorrow even scarier.
Tomorrow is day one of "Mission Fight", I think that's what I'm going to call it. I have surgery tomorrow to put in the port-a-cath that they will use for my chemo treatments. It's an outpatient thing so I hope it won't be too rough. I just hope that tomorrow's surgery is accompanied by good news of no other cancer in my body. (Fingers crossed, prayers up, and anything else I can think of.)
I am feeling better than I was a few days ago because in my head I know that no matter what, I can only move forward with what I'm handed and fight as hard as I can. I know that this is going to be a long road to travel and I'm just beginning, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to reach the other side successfully. So, here's to "Mission Fight", my family, and my friends... Tomorrow will be better!
Tomorrow is day one of "Mission Fight", I think that's what I'm going to call it. I have surgery tomorrow to put in the port-a-cath that they will use for my chemo treatments. It's an outpatient thing so I hope it won't be too rough. I just hope that tomorrow's surgery is accompanied by good news of no other cancer in my body. (Fingers crossed, prayers up, and anything else I can think of.)
I am feeling better than I was a few days ago because in my head I know that no matter what, I can only move forward with what I'm handed and fight as hard as I can. I know that this is going to be a long road to travel and I'm just beginning, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to reach the other side successfully. So, here's to "Mission Fight", my family, and my friends... Tomorrow will be better!
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