As Sunday approaches I look back at this year and have lots of mixed emotions. It was supposed to be one of the best of my life and turned into the most tragic. I am closing this year that started out with such excitement and happiness and ending it with the battle of my life.
After 10 years of being together, Stephan and I were finally getting married. I have known since early on that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and he was my person. Of course, being who we are, we had to do things our way and some would say we did it all backwards. I think that we did it perfectly and we have built such a solid foundation and been through all life can throw at you to make sure we were a solid couple. I was so excited about finally coming to the day that we would marry and I could finally call him my husband. That word never gets old! It felt like time was flying and everything was falling into place. The day came and we were surrounded by the people we love the most and it was perfect! It was the most beautiful and special wedding I've ever been to and it was everything my little girl dreams had ever been made of. The Familymoon was just as special. Spending a week with my two favorite boys in the Bahamas at a beautiful resort was just the right ending to our celebration. When that was all over, life tossed us the most devastating blow that we could ever imagine.
We all know what happened next as our world came crashing down around us. I have said it before, it shook us all to the core and rocked our worlds as it felt like everything crumbled to our feet. And to feel the extreme high we had just been on emotionally and be knocked to an extreme low felt like all of the oxygen had been sucked out of the world and all the light was lost. Since that day I have been at war on many fronts, fighting at every corner I turn. As the year is ending, I am leading into the days before my last chemo treatment, a point at which I felt like would take forever to get to that has in fact approached very fast. The next month will bring lots of information and next steps for me on my path to victory. I hold on to things, no matter how small they may be, that keep my spirits lifted and keep my mind strong. There is one thing that has been super emotional for me since the beginning. There was a song I heard when it all happened and it was like a symbol of my journey. Every word spoke to me and I still can't hear the song without having extreme emotions. Recently I heard it on the way to my Aunt and Uncle's house on Christmas. Cadence had gotten the Kids Bop CD for Christmas and I had no idea it was on there. We were riding in the car listening and I was distracted by my run-away thoughts of my life and current situation when it came on. I was immediately overcome with emotion as I turned to Stephan and said, "this is my song, this is the song that sings the lyrics of my journey and my situation." As he began to listen with me I began to cry so hard I could barely see. He grabbed my hand and told me I was right and he has never once doubted me, he has faith that I'm going to beat this and he is so proud of me and how strong I am. We continued to listen and I continued to cry, hard, as I had just been drowning in my thoughts that were turning negative and scary, as they sometimes do. It was like a sign for me to be strong and "rise". Some days I listen to the song and feel so empowered and strong. I can jam out and sing it at the top of my lungs feeling the strength that it gives me as I have taken it as my anthem. Other days I cry and remind myself why it's my song and that "I will rise"! So as this year comes to an end and I sit here and reflect on all this year has brought us, I can only describe it as a beautiful disaster, one that gave me so much and taught me more about myself than I ever knew was possible. For that, I have to be thankful for 2016 and continue to be thankful for all I have and have been through knowing that it could be so much worse.
***I have linked the song and hope you will truly listen to the words as they have given me courage and strength as I fight forward.***
#VictoryIsInMyVeins #IWillStillRise
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdw1uKiTI5c
Thursday, December 29, 2016
Monday, November 21, 2016
It started with a video...
I often say to people and wonder to myself how I have managed to be so strong and so positive through all of this. I have always struggled so much with dealing with heavy things in life and battled depression vs. staying on the bright side. I have never been able to see the light until after when I look back and think, why was that so hard for me. Because of past experiences, I continue to amaze myself at during this fight by having such strength. People keep telling me how much I inspire them, people also told me there would be a time I wouldn't feel so positive and that it's okay to take time to cry and be upset, to get it all out and move on.
This past week has been very trying for me emotionally. I have found myself battling very hard to stay positive and each time I turn around there is something else shaking my base, trying to knock the tower over. It started with a video. Those stupid videos on Facebook, which I spend too much time on lately, that pop up in your feed that have nothing to do with anything. It was about a young woman having stage 4 breast cancer. Let me be clear about the fact I have NOT asked about stage/prognosis since they found the other spots, I originally was diagnosed with stage 2 (I'll come back to this later). I have known since day 1 to not look up or read or watch anything online about cancer, I have known why it's not a good idea, and yet I couldn't keep scrolling. The video went on to say she was given 2-3 years. That was it, that was the moment in which my tower came crumbling down. I didn't watch anything else. I didn't want to see what an inspirational life she lead before she passed and how so many people will remember her as such an amazing person. I shut it off then and realized I had passed the point of no return. I cried, I cried hard. I had put myself back in the place I was when I found out my diagnosis. The place of fear, of sadness, of mourning what the future might hold for my baby boy. I curled up and cried for most of the day knowing that I had not asked any of the "hard questions", as my mom calls them, because I don't want to know what limit someone is willing to place on my life, yet here I am afraid that this may be my sentence. My poor, sweet husband, spent the entire day trying to comfort me and reassure me. I heard the sweetest words from him I have ever heard and some that meant more to me than anything he has ever said. We stood in the kitchen, me crying and him hugging me, and he told me he was so proud of me and I had been so strong, he didn't know I had this strength that he sees from me every day. Nothing he could say or do made me feel better. So I continued to cry and curled up in a ball crying on the couch for most of the rest of the day. Finally, at some point that afternoon, I started to coach myself. It was like talking myself down from the cliff. I began to remind myself that my doctors have never once put a limit on me and have ALWAYS talked about treating to cure. I reminded myself that my tumor and the place on my breast had responded after just the first treatment of chemo. I reminded myself that I am strong as hell and I have proven that to myself over the last 4 months and I am damn sure not going down like that. I reminded myself that I have faith that this is NOT the end of my story, I have too much left to do and the most important thing on that list is to be here to love that little boy and help him grow to be the best person he can be. Somehow, I managed to pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and push myself forward.
Since that day I have not been as strong as I have in the months, weeks, and days leading up. I can't unsee what I saw that day and I can't unfeel those feelings. So I find myself taking the time when I need it to cry and then I move on. I guess one person can only take being so strong for themselves and everyone else around them so much before they crack. It's hard feeling like everyone around me responds based on my actions. I try to hold it all together so that they will feel like it's okay and I'm okay and they can be okay. Most of the time it's real but some days it is very hard. And here I am now, finding myself more emotional and trying to pull it all back together. It is taking me some time, but I'm getting there, slowly. I must say, Cancer sucks! It sucks the life out of you and everyone around you if you let it and I almost did this past week. Now I'm sitting here typing this to say, NO MORE. It will not win, I will not let it, this will not define me, it will not take me away from who I am. I am woman, hear me roar! LOL! (Typing those last few sentences totally just made me feel loads better!)
To address the matter of the "hard questions". My mom was right, I haven't asked those because I wonder to myself what the point is. I mean, realistically we can figure most of it out. I don't want to sit in an office and hear someone spit statistics out to me because that's all it is. And what good does it do a person and their spirit to hear statistics that are stacked against you to be frank?! I don't need a doctor to tell me things that I can figure out on my own and I don't want to hear anything other than what are we going to do about it. My doctor has never once put a limit on me and given me a time frame. When she talks, she talks of treatment for cure and for that I will forever be thankful. I find great peace in that and knowing they are focused on this fight with me. I'm not getting treatment to help me while they can, they are trying to cure this stupid stuff and we are going to fight it together. And if that means I have to take "The Hammer" in chemo doses, then bring it on! So I ask all of you to support me, don't feel sorry for me, lift me up, keep praying, keep sending your love vibes (I love that name), and do not think of me as on a timer. Keep in your thoughts and prayers that I'm going to beat this and be one of those survivors because that's the only option I'm accepting. Don't even give the alternative a split second of your time because I'm not. I have cried and I am moving forward. I know I'm not finished crying yet, but I will be soon and I'm going to come out guns blazing.
As always, thank you. Thank you to the best family, friends, and support group I could ever ask for. Thank you for the continued cards, prayers, well wishes, sweet messages, and thoughtful expressions of support. You guys are an amazing team and I know I could not possibly do this without each and every one of you. This is the best team I've ever been a part of and while I wish for everything we didn't even have to have this team, I am beyond blessed and thankful that I have so many people rallying behind me. When this is all over, I'm going to look back and be so inspired to go out and make a difference with all you guys have given me. So again I say, thank you and I love you all from the bottom of my heart. #TeamWhite
This past week has been very trying for me emotionally. I have found myself battling very hard to stay positive and each time I turn around there is something else shaking my base, trying to knock the tower over. It started with a video. Those stupid videos on Facebook, which I spend too much time on lately, that pop up in your feed that have nothing to do with anything. It was about a young woman having stage 4 breast cancer. Let me be clear about the fact I have NOT asked about stage/prognosis since they found the other spots, I originally was diagnosed with stage 2 (I'll come back to this later). I have known since day 1 to not look up or read or watch anything online about cancer, I have known why it's not a good idea, and yet I couldn't keep scrolling. The video went on to say she was given 2-3 years. That was it, that was the moment in which my tower came crumbling down. I didn't watch anything else. I didn't want to see what an inspirational life she lead before she passed and how so many people will remember her as such an amazing person. I shut it off then and realized I had passed the point of no return. I cried, I cried hard. I had put myself back in the place I was when I found out my diagnosis. The place of fear, of sadness, of mourning what the future might hold for my baby boy. I curled up and cried for most of the day knowing that I had not asked any of the "hard questions", as my mom calls them, because I don't want to know what limit someone is willing to place on my life, yet here I am afraid that this may be my sentence. My poor, sweet husband, spent the entire day trying to comfort me and reassure me. I heard the sweetest words from him I have ever heard and some that meant more to me than anything he has ever said. We stood in the kitchen, me crying and him hugging me, and he told me he was so proud of me and I had been so strong, he didn't know I had this strength that he sees from me every day. Nothing he could say or do made me feel better. So I continued to cry and curled up in a ball crying on the couch for most of the rest of the day. Finally, at some point that afternoon, I started to coach myself. It was like talking myself down from the cliff. I began to remind myself that my doctors have never once put a limit on me and have ALWAYS talked about treating to cure. I reminded myself that my tumor and the place on my breast had responded after just the first treatment of chemo. I reminded myself that I am strong as hell and I have proven that to myself over the last 4 months and I am damn sure not going down like that. I reminded myself that I have faith that this is NOT the end of my story, I have too much left to do and the most important thing on that list is to be here to love that little boy and help him grow to be the best person he can be. Somehow, I managed to pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and push myself forward.
Since that day I have not been as strong as I have in the months, weeks, and days leading up. I can't unsee what I saw that day and I can't unfeel those feelings. So I find myself taking the time when I need it to cry and then I move on. I guess one person can only take being so strong for themselves and everyone else around them so much before they crack. It's hard feeling like everyone around me responds based on my actions. I try to hold it all together so that they will feel like it's okay and I'm okay and they can be okay. Most of the time it's real but some days it is very hard. And here I am now, finding myself more emotional and trying to pull it all back together. It is taking me some time, but I'm getting there, slowly. I must say, Cancer sucks! It sucks the life out of you and everyone around you if you let it and I almost did this past week. Now I'm sitting here typing this to say, NO MORE. It will not win, I will not let it, this will not define me, it will not take me away from who I am. I am woman, hear me roar! LOL! (Typing those last few sentences totally just made me feel loads better!)
To address the matter of the "hard questions". My mom was right, I haven't asked those because I wonder to myself what the point is. I mean, realistically we can figure most of it out. I don't want to sit in an office and hear someone spit statistics out to me because that's all it is. And what good does it do a person and their spirit to hear statistics that are stacked against you to be frank?! I don't need a doctor to tell me things that I can figure out on my own and I don't want to hear anything other than what are we going to do about it. My doctor has never once put a limit on me and given me a time frame. When she talks, she talks of treatment for cure and for that I will forever be thankful. I find great peace in that and knowing they are focused on this fight with me. I'm not getting treatment to help me while they can, they are trying to cure this stupid stuff and we are going to fight it together. And if that means I have to take "The Hammer" in chemo doses, then bring it on! So I ask all of you to support me, don't feel sorry for me, lift me up, keep praying, keep sending your love vibes (I love that name), and do not think of me as on a timer. Keep in your thoughts and prayers that I'm going to beat this and be one of those survivors because that's the only option I'm accepting. Don't even give the alternative a split second of your time because I'm not. I have cried and I am moving forward. I know I'm not finished crying yet, but I will be soon and I'm going to come out guns blazing.
As always, thank you. Thank you to the best family, friends, and support group I could ever ask for. Thank you for the continued cards, prayers, well wishes, sweet messages, and thoughtful expressions of support. You guys are an amazing team and I know I could not possibly do this without each and every one of you. This is the best team I've ever been a part of and while I wish for everything we didn't even have to have this team, I am beyond blessed and thankful that I have so many people rallying behind me. When this is all over, I'm going to look back and be so inspired to go out and make a difference with all you guys have given me. So again I say, thank you and I love you all from the bottom of my heart. #TeamWhite
Tuesday, November 8, 2016
Hindsight and all that jazz
I've been thinking on this one for a while. At first I considered it no big deal to write the post that is going to wake everyone, to make them pay more attention. Each time I got close to writing it though, I pulled back. I'm not sure if it's because it's so personal, stupid, embarrassing. I'm really not sure but I know if I'm going to be an advocate and raise awareness, I have to stop feeling any type of way and just do it.
We always say that "hindsight is 20/20" and it's the saying I find myself caught in the most wondering why the heck didn't I "see" it before. This situation is no different and I can only blame the fact that I just don't concern myself with things I should at times and often put myself on the back burner. I will never say I regret anything I've done in my life, though if I did, this would come the closest to it.
The summer of 2015 I noticed a cracking in my left nipple and had some issues that I had attributed to my birth control since I had just had it replaced and was having some different side effects than the first time. Long story short, everything that revolved around it I continued to justify with what I made up in my head as was the problem and never went to the doctor for it. Boy was I stupid for that! You hear about lumps and self exams all the time but I had honestly NEVER heard that an issue with your nipple could be an indicator of breast cancer. So yes, I could have caught it a year prior (here's where it's hard to say you don't regret something). Well ladies and gentlemen, THIS IS AN INDICATOR! Not until a year later, yes I was still having the issue, did I find the lump in my breast that pushed me into the doctors office.
Had I known a year before that could be something, would I have gone in then? I don't know, maybe. The minute I found the lump and thought cancer it was scary enough for me to make a move so it very well may have. But at the same time I don't know if I would have talked myself down from the ledge or thought because it never cleared up that maybe it was serious and gone in sooner to give myself a better chance at fighting this. One can only think that I whole year would have made so much difference in this fight of my life and possibly a little easier. All I do know is that is not how my story was meant to be written.
But I'm here now, I'm fighting it now, and I'm not throwing in the towel EVER! Some great news is when we went for my second treatment and had my appointment prior with my doctor, my nipple had been cleared up for the first time in over a year AND the lump!!! The lump is not able to be measured because it has softened so much. The doctor did NOT say it was gone or that she couldn't feel it at all but I cannot find it. Trust me when I say that lump was there, it was present, it was large, I could find it every time, and had even slightly changed the shape of my breast in that area. NO MORE. She DID say that before it was measuring over 4cm, I don't know if I ever mentioned that before, but now we couldn't measure without scans. I don't know about you guys but if this is a tournament, chalk me up for a first round win! Hearing that after such a ROUGH reaction to my first treatment was like finding the pot of gold after searching your whole life. It was the best feeling in the world. Definitely a victory for #TeamWhite.
Tonight as I sit here 5 nights after having my 3rd round of chemo, I continue to push myself to stay in the positive. I continue to wonder where this strength has come from that I have never been able to find in my dark times of life before, a strength I never knew I even had an ounce of. But here I am, pushing hard to be tough for me, my family, my friends, my baby boy. I would also encourage each of you to not be like me in one way, take care of yourself. If you notice something off, don't be a hard head, get checked out. It is totally worth the price of saving your life.
(I realize some of this was in a prior post about after my first treatment, so for those of you who might have missed. It's still fun to talk about the positive we know so far.)
We always say that "hindsight is 20/20" and it's the saying I find myself caught in the most wondering why the heck didn't I "see" it before. This situation is no different and I can only blame the fact that I just don't concern myself with things I should at times and often put myself on the back burner. I will never say I regret anything I've done in my life, though if I did, this would come the closest to it.
The summer of 2015 I noticed a cracking in my left nipple and had some issues that I had attributed to my birth control since I had just had it replaced and was having some different side effects than the first time. Long story short, everything that revolved around it I continued to justify with what I made up in my head as was the problem and never went to the doctor for it. Boy was I stupid for that! You hear about lumps and self exams all the time but I had honestly NEVER heard that an issue with your nipple could be an indicator of breast cancer. So yes, I could have caught it a year prior (here's where it's hard to say you don't regret something). Well ladies and gentlemen, THIS IS AN INDICATOR! Not until a year later, yes I was still having the issue, did I find the lump in my breast that pushed me into the doctors office.
Had I known a year before that could be something, would I have gone in then? I don't know, maybe. The minute I found the lump and thought cancer it was scary enough for me to make a move so it very well may have. But at the same time I don't know if I would have talked myself down from the ledge or thought because it never cleared up that maybe it was serious and gone in sooner to give myself a better chance at fighting this. One can only think that I whole year would have made so much difference in this fight of my life and possibly a little easier. All I do know is that is not how my story was meant to be written.
But I'm here now, I'm fighting it now, and I'm not throwing in the towel EVER! Some great news is when we went for my second treatment and had my appointment prior with my doctor, my nipple had been cleared up for the first time in over a year AND the lump!!! The lump is not able to be measured because it has softened so much. The doctor did NOT say it was gone or that she couldn't feel it at all but I cannot find it. Trust me when I say that lump was there, it was present, it was large, I could find it every time, and had even slightly changed the shape of my breast in that area. NO MORE. She DID say that before it was measuring over 4cm, I don't know if I ever mentioned that before, but now we couldn't measure without scans. I don't know about you guys but if this is a tournament, chalk me up for a first round win! Hearing that after such a ROUGH reaction to my first treatment was like finding the pot of gold after searching your whole life. It was the best feeling in the world. Definitely a victory for #TeamWhite.
Tonight as I sit here 5 nights after having my 3rd round of chemo, I continue to push myself to stay in the positive. I continue to wonder where this strength has come from that I have never been able to find in my dark times of life before, a strength I never knew I even had an ounce of. But here I am, pushing hard to be tough for me, my family, my friends, my baby boy. I would also encourage each of you to not be like me in one way, take care of yourself. If you notice something off, don't be a hard head, get checked out. It is totally worth the price of saving your life.
(I realize some of this was in a prior post about after my first treatment, so for those of you who might have missed. It's still fun to talk about the positive we know so far.)
Thursday, October 13, 2016
And the winner of Round 1 is...
Today was finally the day to get my second of six rounds of chemo. I was so ready to get this show on the road but thankful for the extra delay so I could go to work for a few weeks before going on leave. At the same time, I've been really nervous about round 2 knowing how hard I was hit with round 1. I'm just hopeful that in the coming days, I will be better prepared this time around and know how to combat some of the symptoms I didn't know how to last time.
So here we are, got up this morning and got me and the little ready. Dad took him to school and mom took me to the doctors. Labs first, then meet with my oncologist, then on to chemo. I had no idea I would walk out of the doctor visit as happy as I did. I had checked a little over 2 weeks ago and not been able to find my lump anymore. Naturally I was excited but nervous that I was making it up and it was all in my head. I didn't tell but a handful of people because I was afraid it was too good to be true. Needless to say I was stoked today when I found out Dr. Feng would be examining me before my treatment and not just going over labs and whatnot. Great news is, she seemed as excited as I was when she did her exam and stated that it has softened to the point she wasn't even able to measure it!!!! Before I started chemo, it was solid and she was able to measure it at over 4cm. Now, I don't know if she can't measure it because it's so soft she can't find the start and finish of it or if there isn't really a "mass" there to measure. But either way, this is GREAT news! After just one treatment!!! And the other part of that is my nipple has cleared up as well! I have 4 treatments left after today's treatment and I have already had great news after just one.
You talk about a boost to push you forward!!! I thought I was going to go through all 6 rounds and not find out until afterwards if it even made any improvements but to get this news today was amazing and now I will take that and use it as motivation to push me through every round I have to endure! Thank you all for the continuous prayers and well wishes, support, and pushes at times to help me through. I truly believe that every bit of it, along with my positive outlook, and "savage" fight is what is doing this. I am beyond thankful today for this information and will keep that in the forefront of my mind over this next week as I battle the symptoms from this aggressive chemo dose. I AM DOING THIS!!!!!
On a side note, I finally saw some younger women in there around my age. It's not something I was excited to see because I don't wish this on anyone, but of all the times I have been there, I'm always the only one even close to my age. I was seated next to one in the treatment room today and found out she was 4 years younger than me with ovarian cancer. She is a high school teacher, we had a good conversation about our differences in our jobs and how things are going with being in and out and such this year. Tonight I will say a prayer for her that she gets good news like I have through her treatment and that all goes well for her. I ask that you will say one as well.
So it's me! I'm the winner of Round 1! I will remain the winner of every battle, no matter how hard, that I'm faced with. And I cannot wait to crown myself champion at the end of this match!
So here we are, got up this morning and got me and the little ready. Dad took him to school and mom took me to the doctors. Labs first, then meet with my oncologist, then on to chemo. I had no idea I would walk out of the doctor visit as happy as I did. I had checked a little over 2 weeks ago and not been able to find my lump anymore. Naturally I was excited but nervous that I was making it up and it was all in my head. I didn't tell but a handful of people because I was afraid it was too good to be true. Needless to say I was stoked today when I found out Dr. Feng would be examining me before my treatment and not just going over labs and whatnot. Great news is, she seemed as excited as I was when she did her exam and stated that it has softened to the point she wasn't even able to measure it!!!! Before I started chemo, it was solid and she was able to measure it at over 4cm. Now, I don't know if she can't measure it because it's so soft she can't find the start and finish of it or if there isn't really a "mass" there to measure. But either way, this is GREAT news! After just one treatment!!! And the other part of that is my nipple has cleared up as well! I have 4 treatments left after today's treatment and I have already had great news after just one.
You talk about a boost to push you forward!!! I thought I was going to go through all 6 rounds and not find out until afterwards if it even made any improvements but to get this news today was amazing and now I will take that and use it as motivation to push me through every round I have to endure! Thank you all for the continuous prayers and well wishes, support, and pushes at times to help me through. I truly believe that every bit of it, along with my positive outlook, and "savage" fight is what is doing this. I am beyond thankful today for this information and will keep that in the forefront of my mind over this next week as I battle the symptoms from this aggressive chemo dose. I AM DOING THIS!!!!!
On a side note, I finally saw some younger women in there around my age. It's not something I was excited to see because I don't wish this on anyone, but of all the times I have been there, I'm always the only one even close to my age. I was seated next to one in the treatment room today and found out she was 4 years younger than me with ovarian cancer. She is a high school teacher, we had a good conversation about our differences in our jobs and how things are going with being in and out and such this year. Tonight I will say a prayer for her that she gets good news like I have through her treatment and that all goes well for her. I ask that you will say one as well.
So it's me! I'm the winner of Round 1! I will remain the winner of every battle, no matter how hard, that I'm faced with. And I cannot wait to crown myself champion at the end of this match!
Monday, October 10, 2016
Hair today, gone tomorrow.
There have been so many "happenings" since my last post so I'm going to try to remember it all.
The last week I posted was so rough and I struggled after getting that first dose of chemo. I ended up at the doctor that Friday to get fluids because I was getting dehydrated. And I thought I was going to be at work every day that week! LOL! After that and utilizing some stomach meds, I was finally able to get on the mend. The next week I took it slow and worked some half days and prepared myself for the upcoming wedding weekend for my sister.
As it began to approach I was excited that my hair was remaining in tact. People kept saying that it wouldn't fall out that quickly but because of the dosage of chemo that I was given, my doctor said it probably would. Then came Thursday and I started getting handfuls of hair out. I was an emotional mess and cried most of the night as I'm losing something that meant more to me than I thought it did. It's interesting because I had told myself, and others, that I was prepared and didn't care and when the time came I was lost. I remember texting my mom and saying I would not have hair for the wedding Saturday. So we drove Friday to Wilmington to join the festivities and made it down in time for rehearsal. It was a full day and I managed to hang in there and keep up with all that was going on until dinner came. Stephan couldn't get to us because he was stuck in traffic that didn't move for over 3 hours from Wilmington to Southport and it was something about the environment that had me an emotional wreck. I was so happy for my sister and new brother but I couldn't stop being sad. It really made me reflect on my situation and how happy my life is but brought me to such a sad place and I felt HORRIBLE. I felt like I was bringing down the entire crowd. It was the most emotional I have been since finding out everything. That night I prayed hard and got a good nights sleep. Once we woke, it was go time and we went, and went, and went! I enjoyed getting ready with the girls and the best news was, MY HAIR MADE IT! The girls doing our hair were great and I told her when she started to get a trashcan. So as she worked on it carefully, more wads of hair were put in the trash, but I was okay. The wedding was great, I didn't ugly cry... I don't think, but I happy cried and loved standing by my sister's side on the happiest day of her life. She was a beautiful bride and we had a blast. I gave a stellar speech (I was so proud of myself), we had a lip sync battle, and there was great food, dancing and fun. My night ended on her back porch with my husband sitting next to me for support while I took down my hair and placed half of it into a plastic bag. This was really happening.
The next week was very heavy. I worked half days and went home to rest in the afternoons where every day I was sitting with a bag and taking out more and more hair. I was over the crying about it the first day it happened but now it was just a depressing process and I wasn't able to move forward. So Thursday I asked Stephan to shave my head! At first he agreed but when I hesitated for a moment he changed his mind because he wasn't going to watch me cry the whole time. I ended up talking him into it and we actually had a blast. He started with half my head and calling me Rihanna to then calling me Amber Rose when we were finished. I'm not sure I want to be either of them but I know it was a compliment. It wasn't until after that I started to cry because he was so sweet and loving and told me I actually looked good and he'd rather have me here with him than have hair any day. (Swoon!) After that day it's like the clouds parted and my life began moving forward again. Who knew that something like hair could rock your whole world.
I had the weekend to practice my wraps and get used to wearing them, I had already worn one that week when my hair was really thin. I am rocking those things like it's my job! This last week I worked full days all week and it felt GREAT! I had an amazing week and even attended a volleyball game at Southeast High where they played their Dig Pink game in honor of me. You talk about cool! I am so appreciative for that and grateful that people are thinking of me. The weekend was good and normal and we got to see my sister (Bug) and her new husband, my brother.
That leads us to today, a wonderful day! I forgot to mention during all of this that my port wasn't healing and they put my chemo off for 2 weeks to try and get it to heal. Today was my follow up to determine if it will heal and I can keep it or if we were going to have to have it removed and try a different route. Well, I thought it wasn't making much progress and like everything else on my journey so far, we were going to be faced with another "bump" in the road. Boy was I ecstatic when the doctor walked in, looked right at it and said, "Well that's looking MUCH better!" Whew! We dodged a bullet this time. It sent me right over the moon to finally not get the blow that you were already expecting. Everyone has done their happy dance this afternoon and I even felt good enough to take Cadence to karate for the first time in over a month. I just love watching him do something he loves to do! So now I'm here, sitting in bed, catching up, and thinking about all I have to be thankful for. I know that Thursday brings a new portion of this journey as we are going to get another dose of "The Hammer" (that's what my surgeon calls it). I know that I am nervous but will be more prepared and I'm ready to own it and not let it own me. I know that I will take it easy this time and not push too hard so that it doesn't push me back harder. I know that this is only temporary and that I will look back at this one day and say "I did that, not it did me, I. DID. THAT!" I know that I'm going to do this, no matter what lies ahead, I'm going to DO THIS and I'm going to come out the strongest person that I have ever encountered. I'm constantly in awe of myself at the end of the day when I think about where I am, what I'm dealing with, and how strong my mentality is. This does not define me and when I tell people that I have cancer, I mean... I HAVE cancer. I have this and I want people to remind me of that when I'm weak. I know that it is because the hundreds of people I have supporting me and praying for me that I have this and that I feel so strong. I am humbled by this experience and I'm thankful. I will continue to be thankful throughout this journey because there is too much to be thankful for. I will not hang my head in defeat because I have this. I will look back one day on this journey as if it was a quick flash in my life and think, "here today, gone tomorrow."
Thank you all so much!
#WhiteFightClub #TeamWhite #MySquadIsDeep
The last week I posted was so rough and I struggled after getting that first dose of chemo. I ended up at the doctor that Friday to get fluids because I was getting dehydrated. And I thought I was going to be at work every day that week! LOL! After that and utilizing some stomach meds, I was finally able to get on the mend. The next week I took it slow and worked some half days and prepared myself for the upcoming wedding weekend for my sister.
As it began to approach I was excited that my hair was remaining in tact. People kept saying that it wouldn't fall out that quickly but because of the dosage of chemo that I was given, my doctor said it probably would. Then came Thursday and I started getting handfuls of hair out. I was an emotional mess and cried most of the night as I'm losing something that meant more to me than I thought it did. It's interesting because I had told myself, and others, that I was prepared and didn't care and when the time came I was lost. I remember texting my mom and saying I would not have hair for the wedding Saturday. So we drove Friday to Wilmington to join the festivities and made it down in time for rehearsal. It was a full day and I managed to hang in there and keep up with all that was going on until dinner came. Stephan couldn't get to us because he was stuck in traffic that didn't move for over 3 hours from Wilmington to Southport and it was something about the environment that had me an emotional wreck. I was so happy for my sister and new brother but I couldn't stop being sad. It really made me reflect on my situation and how happy my life is but brought me to such a sad place and I felt HORRIBLE. I felt like I was bringing down the entire crowd. It was the most emotional I have been since finding out everything. That night I prayed hard and got a good nights sleep. Once we woke, it was go time and we went, and went, and went! I enjoyed getting ready with the girls and the best news was, MY HAIR MADE IT! The girls doing our hair were great and I told her when she started to get a trashcan. So as she worked on it carefully, more wads of hair were put in the trash, but I was okay. The wedding was great, I didn't ugly cry... I don't think, but I happy cried and loved standing by my sister's side on the happiest day of her life. She was a beautiful bride and we had a blast. I gave a stellar speech (I was so proud of myself), we had a lip sync battle, and there was great food, dancing and fun. My night ended on her back porch with my husband sitting next to me for support while I took down my hair and placed half of it into a plastic bag. This was really happening.
The next week was very heavy. I worked half days and went home to rest in the afternoons where every day I was sitting with a bag and taking out more and more hair. I was over the crying about it the first day it happened but now it was just a depressing process and I wasn't able to move forward. So Thursday I asked Stephan to shave my head! At first he agreed but when I hesitated for a moment he changed his mind because he wasn't going to watch me cry the whole time. I ended up talking him into it and we actually had a blast. He started with half my head and calling me Rihanna to then calling me Amber Rose when we were finished. I'm not sure I want to be either of them but I know it was a compliment. It wasn't until after that I started to cry because he was so sweet and loving and told me I actually looked good and he'd rather have me here with him than have hair any day. (Swoon!) After that day it's like the clouds parted and my life began moving forward again. Who knew that something like hair could rock your whole world.
I had the weekend to practice my wraps and get used to wearing them, I had already worn one that week when my hair was really thin. I am rocking those things like it's my job! This last week I worked full days all week and it felt GREAT! I had an amazing week and even attended a volleyball game at Southeast High where they played their Dig Pink game in honor of me. You talk about cool! I am so appreciative for that and grateful that people are thinking of me. The weekend was good and normal and we got to see my sister (Bug) and her new husband, my brother.
That leads us to today, a wonderful day! I forgot to mention during all of this that my port wasn't healing and they put my chemo off for 2 weeks to try and get it to heal. Today was my follow up to determine if it will heal and I can keep it or if we were going to have to have it removed and try a different route. Well, I thought it wasn't making much progress and like everything else on my journey so far, we were going to be faced with another "bump" in the road. Boy was I ecstatic when the doctor walked in, looked right at it and said, "Well that's looking MUCH better!" Whew! We dodged a bullet this time. It sent me right over the moon to finally not get the blow that you were already expecting. Everyone has done their happy dance this afternoon and I even felt good enough to take Cadence to karate for the first time in over a month. I just love watching him do something he loves to do! So now I'm here, sitting in bed, catching up, and thinking about all I have to be thankful for. I know that Thursday brings a new portion of this journey as we are going to get another dose of "The Hammer" (that's what my surgeon calls it). I know that I am nervous but will be more prepared and I'm ready to own it and not let it own me. I know that I will take it easy this time and not push too hard so that it doesn't push me back harder. I know that this is only temporary and that I will look back at this one day and say "I did that, not it did me, I. DID. THAT!" I know that I'm going to do this, no matter what lies ahead, I'm going to DO THIS and I'm going to come out the strongest person that I have ever encountered. I'm constantly in awe of myself at the end of the day when I think about where I am, what I'm dealing with, and how strong my mentality is. This does not define me and when I tell people that I have cancer, I mean... I HAVE cancer. I have this and I want people to remind me of that when I'm weak. I know that it is because the hundreds of people I have supporting me and praying for me that I have this and that I feel so strong. I am humbled by this experience and I'm thankful. I will continue to be thankful throughout this journey because there is too much to be thankful for. I will not hang my head in defeat because I have this. I will look back one day on this journey as if it was a quick flash in my life and think, "here today, gone tomorrow."
Thank you all so much!
#WhiteFightClub #TeamWhite #MySquadIsDeep
Monday, September 12, 2016
This is harder than it looks.
I was feeling so good going into Friday and it went at least as expected. There were FINALLY no big blows and the day was super smooth. If I haven't already said this, my mom is really my rock through all of this. I know she doesn't feel that way but I don't know where I'd be without her.
So Friday, I went Friday and we were walking back to see the doctor when they tried to put me in that room again. I told the girl I just couldn't go in that room today. After she looked at me for a second while I explained, she then moved me to the other room with no problem. I already felt better about the visit. The doctor came in and told me what I had pretty much expected. The final report wasn't finished because they were still running some tests but the sternum is cancerous and she was confident that it is the breast cancer. I can say that I was okay with that because I was just hoping it wasn't something else that was going to throw us for a loop. So for the first time since all of this, I left the doctor's office without crying. Then on to chemo, boy was that a LONG day. It took the entire 8 hours and we were finally free from the cubby hole we occupied right after 6pm.
The good thing was that I was able to tolerate all of the meds without any incident and the next day I woke up feeling pretty normal. When you go from never taking meds and your body gets slammed with some of the strongest meds ever, I guess you have to expect a hard it. Today is Monday and I am struggling. I have never been one to let others do for me or one that felt so incapable of doing for myself. I find myself right in the middle of those two things and it is one of the hardest things to deal with. I love being independent and love being able to take care of myself. This is rough and I feel like it looks so fake. It's hard to explain how I'm feeling and how I even feel like my thoughts don't make sense. All I want is to push through this, feel mostly operational and not feel so drained. I can barely walk to the back of my not so large house and back without wanting to just sit down and go to sleep. It pains me not to be able to come home and keep up with my baby boy and have such a hard time functioning through the evening. Who knew meds could do this to your body and this is just the beginning.
Tonight I am asking that you all use those prayers and good words to help me get some strength and energy back. I want to be able to work and function with my family without feeling so sick and without being completely exhausted. I am still so motivated because my only choice is to stay strong and fight this, but I have never felt so weak in my life. So here is to another day tomorrow, to rest and regain my strength. Here is to my friends and my family who have been life savers. When you speak up these things, please say an extra little something for my momma who is carrying the weight of my world on her shoulders and won't have it any other way. I love you all and I'm still here, figuring out what the next year of my life is going to look like while I fight this fight. I am so thankful to have so many people walking beside me and behind me to help me along.
#WhiteFightClub #MissionFight
So Friday, I went Friday and we were walking back to see the doctor when they tried to put me in that room again. I told the girl I just couldn't go in that room today. After she looked at me for a second while I explained, she then moved me to the other room with no problem. I already felt better about the visit. The doctor came in and told me what I had pretty much expected. The final report wasn't finished because they were still running some tests but the sternum is cancerous and she was confident that it is the breast cancer. I can say that I was okay with that because I was just hoping it wasn't something else that was going to throw us for a loop. So for the first time since all of this, I left the doctor's office without crying. Then on to chemo, boy was that a LONG day. It took the entire 8 hours and we were finally free from the cubby hole we occupied right after 6pm.
The good thing was that I was able to tolerate all of the meds without any incident and the next day I woke up feeling pretty normal. When you go from never taking meds and your body gets slammed with some of the strongest meds ever, I guess you have to expect a hard it. Today is Monday and I am struggling. I have never been one to let others do for me or one that felt so incapable of doing for myself. I find myself right in the middle of those two things and it is one of the hardest things to deal with. I love being independent and love being able to take care of myself. This is rough and I feel like it looks so fake. It's hard to explain how I'm feeling and how I even feel like my thoughts don't make sense. All I want is to push through this, feel mostly operational and not feel so drained. I can barely walk to the back of my not so large house and back without wanting to just sit down and go to sleep. It pains me not to be able to come home and keep up with my baby boy and have such a hard time functioning through the evening. Who knew meds could do this to your body and this is just the beginning.
Tonight I am asking that you all use those prayers and good words to help me get some strength and energy back. I want to be able to work and function with my family without feeling so sick and without being completely exhausted. I am still so motivated because my only choice is to stay strong and fight this, but I have never felt so weak in my life. So here is to another day tomorrow, to rest and regain my strength. Here is to my friends and my family who have been life savers. When you speak up these things, please say an extra little something for my momma who is carrying the weight of my world on her shoulders and won't have it any other way. I love you all and I'm still here, figuring out what the next year of my life is going to look like while I fight this fight. I am so thankful to have so many people walking beside me and behind me to help me along.
#WhiteFightClub #MissionFight
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Twas the night before chemo...
When you think about some of the biggest days of your life and what they will be, this is not one of those you envision having to having. Yet, here I am and here it is. Part of me is thankful that they pushed it back to this week because in this week I have been able to do something that at this time last week, I didn't think was possible. My mom keeps telling me she doesn't know how I do it and my response to her is always the same, "I don't either but I am." I have been smiling and laughing and living pretty much like normal (if you don't think about the not being able to work and going to the doctors office every day).
You know, I had a pretty good weekend, Monday started off shaky, but the rest of the week I have felt solid. I can pin point the moment during my biopsy appointment and the rush of emotion followed by a complete sense of, "I actually can and will do this." It's strange to think about and I keep putting myself back there. Since that very moment, at least for now, I have not had any hopeless feelings. I even caught myself yesterday wondering why I wasn't having more of those and what was wrong with me?! I quickly checked myself, said a little thank you prayer, as I have been doing LOTS lately, and kept moving. Even sitting by myself, I'm not in constant mental turmoil and able to just do things as normal.
So now here we are, the night before chemo, one of the biggest days of my life. I will do this 5 other times for a total of 6, every 3 weeks. I know I should be super nervous, especially with biopsy results coming tomorrow from the bone biopsy, but I'm not. I'm praying that it's benign and if not, that it's the same as the breast cancer and not anything worse or different to deal with. I'll probably be nervous until I get out of the doctors appointment and my goodness, if they head me down that hall to that same corner room, they may have to put me in a straight jacket and drag me in there! But for the moment I have a real overwhelming sense of peace and that I'm going to fight every minute of this. I have shared before that I still cry when I throw up, sometimes I have to hide it if Cadence comes running to check on me (he is so loving for his mommy), but I just hate throwing up. I am certainly nervous of all of the "stuff" that can come with chemo treatments, especially knowing how aggressive mine will be. I want to chew it up and spit it out and keep walking without it shaking me a bit. I want to be back at work on Monday morning moving like nothing touched me and I want to feel like a million bucks. However, I know what the expectations are and you know what, I'll take $100! I do know that the "expectations" will not define me and my treatment. I do know that I have to be the strongest person I have ever been and show the world and MYSELF what I'm actually made of. Who would have thought that the most sensitive cry baby would be a tough fighter?!
So in typical, I respond to everything in song fashion (my friends will be able to hear me singing this)... "All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go..." Thanks to all of you who have provided "entertainment" as I embark out on my journey to sit in a chair for 8 hours with a drip plugged into my chest! My mom texted me tonight and asked what time she needed to pick me up and also said "Leave the 20 pound bag at home" (referring to my purse). I told her I would, little down she know that I have a 30 pound "entertainment" bag that I will be bringing instead tomorrow! Wish me luck and maybe I'll finish The Chamber of Secrets tomorrow.
WhiteFightClub (Thanks Precious Face!)
You know, I had a pretty good weekend, Monday started off shaky, but the rest of the week I have felt solid. I can pin point the moment during my biopsy appointment and the rush of emotion followed by a complete sense of, "I actually can and will do this." It's strange to think about and I keep putting myself back there. Since that very moment, at least for now, I have not had any hopeless feelings. I even caught myself yesterday wondering why I wasn't having more of those and what was wrong with me?! I quickly checked myself, said a little thank you prayer, as I have been doing LOTS lately, and kept moving. Even sitting by myself, I'm not in constant mental turmoil and able to just do things as normal.
So now here we are, the night before chemo, one of the biggest days of my life. I will do this 5 other times for a total of 6, every 3 weeks. I know I should be super nervous, especially with biopsy results coming tomorrow from the bone biopsy, but I'm not. I'm praying that it's benign and if not, that it's the same as the breast cancer and not anything worse or different to deal with. I'll probably be nervous until I get out of the doctors appointment and my goodness, if they head me down that hall to that same corner room, they may have to put me in a straight jacket and drag me in there! But for the moment I have a real overwhelming sense of peace and that I'm going to fight every minute of this. I have shared before that I still cry when I throw up, sometimes I have to hide it if Cadence comes running to check on me (he is so loving for his mommy), but I just hate throwing up. I am certainly nervous of all of the "stuff" that can come with chemo treatments, especially knowing how aggressive mine will be. I want to chew it up and spit it out and keep walking without it shaking me a bit. I want to be back at work on Monday morning moving like nothing touched me and I want to feel like a million bucks. However, I know what the expectations are and you know what, I'll take $100! I do know that the "expectations" will not define me and my treatment. I do know that I have to be the strongest person I have ever been and show the world and MYSELF what I'm actually made of. Who would have thought that the most sensitive cry baby would be a tough fighter?!
So in typical, I respond to everything in song fashion (my friends will be able to hear me singing this)... "All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go..." Thanks to all of you who have provided "entertainment" as I embark out on my journey to sit in a chair for 8 hours with a drip plugged into my chest! My mom texted me tonight and asked what time she needed to pick me up and also said "Leave the 20 pound bag at home" (referring to my purse). I told her I would, little down she know that I have a 30 pound "entertainment" bag that I will be bringing instead tomorrow! Wish me luck and maybe I'll finish The Chamber of Secrets tomorrow.
WhiteFightClub (Thanks Precious Face!)
Tuesday, September 6, 2016
I am determined to have more of these!
I wanted to write yesterday about my great Sunday but when I woke up I was back in a dark place. I was so bummed after being on such a high this weekend to be in such a bad place. I don't know if I'm more afraid of my feelings or what is actually happening. I don't know why I did but in that moment I was crumbling and I decided to pick up my phone and text my friend. I'm not sure why then and why that friend but it was exactly what I needed. She gave me confidence in myself and in the fact that even with where my cancer is, people can and have still beat it. I don't know if people are sick of me saying it but I need to hear often right now that I can do this, even with it having spread, and I will!
It was something about those texts, her words, or her combination of words that I could literally feel myself breathe in strength to take on the day. It wasn't my best day but it was much better than it started out. That made for two, almost full, good/great days in a row. So I decided tonight to blog because yet again, I had an amazing day. You know it's true what they say about keep going, get out, be around people, and keep functioning as best as you can. Today I was finally able to go to work and I was so happy and felt normal again. Of course the kids had lots of questions, especially my class from last year who knows I am never out of school. I was able to see Cadence twice today and he ran up and hugged and kissed me both times! I will miss it when he gets older and it's no longer cool to kiss your mom in front of your friends! So today was good, normal, and I think I even went for two whole hours without thinking about the newest chapter of my life. I think the next chapter, sometime next year, is going to be SuperFabulous is a Survivor!
I mentioned my friend, I will never be able to say enough how thankful I am for my friends. My friends and even complete strangers have reached out to me in a big way. I have been completely overwhelmed at the love and support I have gotten from them. The prayers, texts to check in with me and lift my spirits, cards, and even bags full of gifts to help me through my treatment. I have always thought that I surrounded myself with the best people through all phases of my life and I am in awe of the turnout of those very people, even back to people who I haven't spoken with since grade school. I hope you all will take this as the biggest thank you I can give and know that you all have impacted my heart, soul, body, and mind in the biggest way. So thank you for boosting me and carrying me through the most difficult time of my life. Thank you for being there on my best days and to lift me on my worst. Thank you for helping me focus on what is in front of me and not the path that I am going to travel. Thank you for helping me smile. Thank you for never letting me feel alone even when I think that's what I won't. Thank you for being the most amazing and unwavering humans there ever were. Thank you for making my story that much more special.
Today was great, the past few days have been good if not better than that, and right now I am smiling. I have so much to be thankful for and am still so very thankful for the amazing life I have. Today, was great and I am determined to have more of these!
It was something about those texts, her words, or her combination of words that I could literally feel myself breathe in strength to take on the day. It wasn't my best day but it was much better than it started out. That made for two, almost full, good/great days in a row. So I decided tonight to blog because yet again, I had an amazing day. You know it's true what they say about keep going, get out, be around people, and keep functioning as best as you can. Today I was finally able to go to work and I was so happy and felt normal again. Of course the kids had lots of questions, especially my class from last year who knows I am never out of school. I was able to see Cadence twice today and he ran up and hugged and kissed me both times! I will miss it when he gets older and it's no longer cool to kiss your mom in front of your friends! So today was good, normal, and I think I even went for two whole hours without thinking about the newest chapter of my life. I think the next chapter, sometime next year, is going to be SuperFabulous is a Survivor!
I mentioned my friend, I will never be able to say enough how thankful I am for my friends. My friends and even complete strangers have reached out to me in a big way. I have been completely overwhelmed at the love and support I have gotten from them. The prayers, texts to check in with me and lift my spirits, cards, and even bags full of gifts to help me through my treatment. I have always thought that I surrounded myself with the best people through all phases of my life and I am in awe of the turnout of those very people, even back to people who I haven't spoken with since grade school. I hope you all will take this as the biggest thank you I can give and know that you all have impacted my heart, soul, body, and mind in the biggest way. So thank you for boosting me and carrying me through the most difficult time of my life. Thank you for being there on my best days and to lift me on my worst. Thank you for helping me focus on what is in front of me and not the path that I am going to travel. Thank you for helping me smile. Thank you for never letting me feel alone even when I think that's what I won't. Thank you for being the most amazing and unwavering humans there ever were. Thank you for making my story that much more special.
Today was great, the past few days have been good if not better than that, and right now I am smiling. I have so much to be thankful for and am still so very thankful for the amazing life I have. Today, was great and I am determined to have more of these!
Saturday, September 3, 2016
The hits just keep on coming
When I thought I was prepared to handle anything, it happened again. After a week full of scans and surgery, I met with my doctor on Friday and was told there is in fact a lesion on my sternum and pelvis. At this time that's all we know but they weren't completely finished reading the PET scan. So here we are again in this dark place trying to claw my way out.
I envision this feeling being similar to how they said chemo will be, each time you get weak but start to come back up but before you can make it back up all the way you get another dose so it gets harder each time. Each time I get hit I claw my way back up but each time I'm getting knocked down harder. I remember that sobbing again that sounded like it's coming from the pits of hell. It's hard to think you are capable of such uncontrollable sounds. All I could say was "my baby, my poor baby". I remember at that moment the doctor saying that I will be here for him, that this is still treatable. How someone can do this with people every day, I will never know. But all I want to know is that I can do this. I want to hear from doctors and people who work in the medical profession that while this is devastating, it is possible and I can do it. The doctor then told me of a woman that just finished treatment whose breast cancer had spread to her lungs and her tumor in her breast was quite larger than mine. After her chemo it had almost completely rid her body of the cancer. I'm deciding that is going to be my story. She is going to be telling my story to someone soon to give them hope because there is no other choice.
Yesterday I cried all day, I couldn't breathe without crying. The deepest pain I have ever felt just thinking of my sweet baby boy the entire time. I didn't know if I would be able to pick myself up this time. This time I am really feeling defeated. But today came and here I am. I am standing, I am talking, I am smiling, I am laughing, I am fighting down that evil hurt that I will not let control me. No matter what this life means for me, I refuse to go down weak and without a fight. Today I have spent all my time with that little boy I'm so scared for. I have surrounded myself with my family and I am gearing up for what the next week has in store for me. They may say they have found more spots but I will say, I will fight that too. There is nothing I can do to change what currently is but there is plenty I can do, starting now to change what will be.
I am hopeful that we are finished receiving the blows of all of this. I am hopeful that now we can get on a forward path of progress and never look back. I am hopeful that from all of the support and prayers I have received and the love of those around me that I am finding my feet. This is not going to be easy and I don't think for one second that it will, but I cannot lie down and give up. I will fight, I will crawl, I will do whatever it takes to get through this and stand on the other side a year from now and tell my little boy, "look what your mommy did!" And today, I will walk forward knowing that today there will be no changes and no bad news, and today I am okay.
Tuesday, August 30, 2016
Tomorrow
Today has been long and I was hoping the doctor would call today with news from the scans I had. Praying hard that it will be good news no matter when she calls. Unfortunately we have to wait another day and that makes tomorrow even scarier.
Tomorrow is day one of "Mission Fight", I think that's what I'm going to call it. I have surgery tomorrow to put in the port-a-cath that they will use for my chemo treatments. It's an outpatient thing so I hope it won't be too rough. I just hope that tomorrow's surgery is accompanied by good news of no other cancer in my body. (Fingers crossed, prayers up, and anything else I can think of.)
I am feeling better than I was a few days ago because in my head I know that no matter what, I can only move forward with what I'm handed and fight as hard as I can. I know that this is going to be a long road to travel and I'm just beginning, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to reach the other side successfully. So, here's to "Mission Fight", my family, and my friends... Tomorrow will be better!
Tomorrow is day one of "Mission Fight", I think that's what I'm going to call it. I have surgery tomorrow to put in the port-a-cath that they will use for my chemo treatments. It's an outpatient thing so I hope it won't be too rough. I just hope that tomorrow's surgery is accompanied by good news of no other cancer in my body. (Fingers crossed, prayers up, and anything else I can think of.)
I am feeling better than I was a few days ago because in my head I know that no matter what, I can only move forward with what I'm handed and fight as hard as I can. I know that this is going to be a long road to travel and I'm just beginning, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to reach the other side successfully. So, here's to "Mission Fight", my family, and my friends... Tomorrow will be better!
Sunday, August 28, 2016
A new school year...
I'm laying in bed preparing myself for our first day of school tomorrow. This will be my eighth year and Cadence is starting 1st grade. On top of the normal mom emotions, I'm anxiety ridden with all of the other goings on of my life. I'm sad at the fact my baby is entering another chapter and terrified of the chapter that I have only just begun.
After my extremely rough day last week, I somehow found my footing and made it through. I won't say I have felt as strong as I did, I'm still quite shaken, but I have done it one step at the time. I have had my weak moments but I have realized that it's okay to just cry. I let it out, I pray hard in that moment for some strength from the very pit of me that I can't seem to find on my own, I breathe deep and slow, and I begin to move again.
Tonight I am super thankful for friends. I have been completely overwhelmed with the showing up of my friends that I can't even believe that it's all real. My friends are really rallying around me in a way that I'm not sure I deserve. I have also noticed a common theme, they all definitely believe that I am way stronger than I give myself credit for. It reminds me of a child who feels like they can't do something. If people around them that they trust and know love them tell them they can enough times, they begin to do it. I'm just in awe of their kindness, caring, and willingness to take time out to support me. I will never be able to repay them but I hope to by beating this thing and showing them they were right.
This is going to be a tough year for me. I'm not even sure how long I'm going to be able to work through my chemotherapy. I hope that it will all work out and if I have to take leave, I will be back before I know it. I'm not overly concerned with work, I'm mostly focused on beating this stuff and getting back to my life as it was. But I do think that school will help me pass the time while I can be there.
So tonight, as I close my eyes for bed, I will pray for peace in my heart and mind and for healing of my body. I will pray for my friends and family who have done nothing but support me since day one so far. I will pray that this week will bring good news and nothing scary but if there is more to my story, I will pray for the strength to stand up tall and fight with all I have. I pray my little boy has a wonderful first day and school year and that he will be okay through all of this. Never forgetting for a second that he is my reason for fighting and I will fight to the ends of the earth for him.
After my extremely rough day last week, I somehow found my footing and made it through. I won't say I have felt as strong as I did, I'm still quite shaken, but I have done it one step at the time. I have had my weak moments but I have realized that it's okay to just cry. I let it out, I pray hard in that moment for some strength from the very pit of me that I can't seem to find on my own, I breathe deep and slow, and I begin to move again.
Tonight I am super thankful for friends. I have been completely overwhelmed with the showing up of my friends that I can't even believe that it's all real. My friends are really rallying around me in a way that I'm not sure I deserve. I have also noticed a common theme, they all definitely believe that I am way stronger than I give myself credit for. It reminds me of a child who feels like they can't do something. If people around them that they trust and know love them tell them they can enough times, they begin to do it. I'm just in awe of their kindness, caring, and willingness to take time out to support me. I will never be able to repay them but I hope to by beating this thing and showing them they were right.
This is going to be a tough year for me. I'm not even sure how long I'm going to be able to work through my chemotherapy. I hope that it will all work out and if I have to take leave, I will be back before I know it. I'm not overly concerned with work, I'm mostly focused on beating this stuff and getting back to my life as it was. But I do think that school will help me pass the time while I can be there.
So tonight, as I close my eyes for bed, I will pray for peace in my heart and mind and for healing of my body. I will pray for my friends and family who have done nothing but support me since day one so far. I will pray that this week will bring good news and nothing scary but if there is more to my story, I will pray for the strength to stand up tall and fight with all I have. I pray my little boy has a wonderful first day and school year and that he will be okay through all of this. Never forgetting for a second that he is my reason for fighting and I will fight to the ends of the earth for him.
Wednesday, August 24, 2016
Just when I thought I had it...
I walked in yesterday for Chemo Class feeling beyond okay about where I am and how things are going. I wouldn't say I was on top of the world by any means, but I was doing well. I had this, I was confident, and I was feeling completely strong.
Was... I wish I still was. I cried harder yesterday than I have ever cried in my life. People often say they feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath them. I felt like the power of a thousand elephants punched me in the chest and rocked my body to the absolute core. I didn't know I could feel any lower than I had in the past two weeks.
The doctor came in and reviewed my MRI results with me and my mom. They found a second lymph node, the lump is bigger than they originally measured, and there is an area of "concern" on my sternum that has to be checked to make sure it hasn't spread to my bones. The last part of that has added a whole new level to the fear that I'm carrying. I don't know how to handle this. I didn't know how to breathe in that moment, I couldn't stand, and I didn't want to pass another person that asked me how I was and have to smile and say "Good, thank you. How are you?" My mom and I just sat there as she did the best that any mother knows how to do in that situation. (I don't know where I would be right now without her by my side every moment through this.)
We left and I decided I was still going to try to go in to work. I managed to drive there without crying and felt like I would make it through the afternoon without incident and be able to distract myself with planning. I couldn't even make it in the building. I walked in and nearly collapsed in the arms of a dear friend who I couldn't have been more happy to see. I don't remember much at that time except for the pain that I felt in my heart and the sobbing that came from me that I had never heard before. I couldn't pull it together and at that moment didn't know how I ever would again. I couldn't continue taking these blows and I was broken for the last time. After spending a long time just sitting and crying with friends, I started to feel like I could stand. I still don't know where I found this little bit of strength. I managed to pull it all together and spend some time focusing on something else before time to go home.
My ride home was okay. It felt like such a safe place when I came in and saw Stephan, my husband, my sweet husband. The tears came again and I felt like I could say all of the things I was feeling inside out loud while he just held me and listened. I feel so bad for him because I know he's trying to figure out how to help me and how to protect me when he really can't do anything. Both of us like to be in control and we are quickly learning that in this situation we have absolutely no control of anything. Between Stephan and Cadence I was able to find a small bit of strength to be in that moment and that evening.
Cadence and I ended up back at mom and dad's last night because I didn't want to be alone while Stephan was at work. We had a good time and played some games, went out in the yard with the family and I found myself smiling. It felt good to be with them. When it came time to sleep, I just knew it'd be a long night but I woke up this morning not having remembered even falling asleep.
This morning was a brand new day and I woke up with that peace inside me again. I am still in awe of myself as I continue to find this strength. I have been praying hard and I have to think that I am getting some assistance. I got up, got ready, hugged my mom (for a very long time), and went to work. Today was like any other day. I even took my new hat and scarf catalog so my friends could help me pick out some fancy new head gear for my new look. We cut up, worked hard, talked too much, complained during training and went home just like any other day. And here I am writing this with few tears, hoping people don't judge the many grammatical errors I know I'm making and my poor writing skills. I'm here, I'm smiling, I'm fighting, I'm surviving, and I'm okay. I am going to be okay because there is no other choice for me. I can't control this right now, but I can fight, I can smile, I can laugh, I can love, and I can keep breathing slowly and putting one foot in front of the other. Whatever happens from this new information will be what it is and there is nothing I can do to change that. What I can do is fight it and not give up. I will not throw in the towel and let myself and my loved ones down. Not only do I have a long life to live and lots of places to go but I have a family and friends who love me and the most amazing little boy that the world has ever seen who I am not finished with yet.
Was... I wish I still was. I cried harder yesterday than I have ever cried in my life. People often say they feel like the rug has been pulled out from underneath them. I felt like the power of a thousand elephants punched me in the chest and rocked my body to the absolute core. I didn't know I could feel any lower than I had in the past two weeks.
The doctor came in and reviewed my MRI results with me and my mom. They found a second lymph node, the lump is bigger than they originally measured, and there is an area of "concern" on my sternum that has to be checked to make sure it hasn't spread to my bones. The last part of that has added a whole new level to the fear that I'm carrying. I don't know how to handle this. I didn't know how to breathe in that moment, I couldn't stand, and I didn't want to pass another person that asked me how I was and have to smile and say "Good, thank you. How are you?" My mom and I just sat there as she did the best that any mother knows how to do in that situation. (I don't know where I would be right now without her by my side every moment through this.)
We left and I decided I was still going to try to go in to work. I managed to drive there without crying and felt like I would make it through the afternoon without incident and be able to distract myself with planning. I couldn't even make it in the building. I walked in and nearly collapsed in the arms of a dear friend who I couldn't have been more happy to see. I don't remember much at that time except for the pain that I felt in my heart and the sobbing that came from me that I had never heard before. I couldn't pull it together and at that moment didn't know how I ever would again. I couldn't continue taking these blows and I was broken for the last time. After spending a long time just sitting and crying with friends, I started to feel like I could stand. I still don't know where I found this little bit of strength. I managed to pull it all together and spend some time focusing on something else before time to go home.
My ride home was okay. It felt like such a safe place when I came in and saw Stephan, my husband, my sweet husband. The tears came again and I felt like I could say all of the things I was feeling inside out loud while he just held me and listened. I feel so bad for him because I know he's trying to figure out how to help me and how to protect me when he really can't do anything. Both of us like to be in control and we are quickly learning that in this situation we have absolutely no control of anything. Between Stephan and Cadence I was able to find a small bit of strength to be in that moment and that evening.
Cadence and I ended up back at mom and dad's last night because I didn't want to be alone while Stephan was at work. We had a good time and played some games, went out in the yard with the family and I found myself smiling. It felt good to be with them. When it came time to sleep, I just knew it'd be a long night but I woke up this morning not having remembered even falling asleep.
This morning was a brand new day and I woke up with that peace inside me again. I am still in awe of myself as I continue to find this strength. I have been praying hard and I have to think that I am getting some assistance. I got up, got ready, hugged my mom (for a very long time), and went to work. Today was like any other day. I even took my new hat and scarf catalog so my friends could help me pick out some fancy new head gear for my new look. We cut up, worked hard, talked too much, complained during training and went home just like any other day. And here I am writing this with few tears, hoping people don't judge the many grammatical errors I know I'm making and my poor writing skills. I'm here, I'm smiling, I'm fighting, I'm surviving, and I'm okay. I am going to be okay because there is no other choice for me. I can't control this right now, but I can fight, I can smile, I can laugh, I can love, and I can keep breathing slowly and putting one foot in front of the other. Whatever happens from this new information will be what it is and there is nothing I can do to change that. What I can do is fight it and not give up. I will not throw in the towel and let myself and my loved ones down. Not only do I have a long life to live and lots of places to go but I have a family and friends who love me and the most amazing little boy that the world has ever seen who I am not finished with yet.
Monday, August 22, 2016
I wish they'd stop looking at me like that
Tomorrow marks two weeks since I found out. I think it's safe to say that it was the worst day of my life. I sat in that room, my head spinning but absolutely blank. I don't remember a lot about what was said, there were lots of questions being asked and answered between my family and the doctor, questions I couldn't even begin to process. All I could do was cry.
It's strange to me, but I think the worst part of it all was seeing the 3 strongest people I have ever known be crushed to the absolute core. It seemed like hours, sitting there and everyone staring at me with eyes full of pity. I hate when people look at me that way. Then they gave me a bag... full of resources and "stuff" to help my "journey". It was a pink and black bag with a breast cancer ribbon on the front. I couldn't even pick up the bag when we left. It was like admitting what was just said to me was real and accepting that this was now my life.
That day I began to think about all of the millions of women who have been through this and are going through this just like me. How can they possibly go on with their lives like normal? How do you pick yourself from the deepest, darkest pits of hell that you are just plunged into and move forward? I couldn't comprehend how I was going to make it through each day from then on without being drowned in the pity from others and myself over my new life. The days seemed so long. I spent every night that week at my parents, including the one before the results. There was a peace about being there and not just for me. It was helpful since Stephan works nights so Cadence and I wouldn't be alone. I know it made my parents feel better too. The weekend came and we stayed home Saturday since Stephan would be off. It's almost like I had to relearn how to separate myself from the dependency of my parents and their home. I remember not sleeping good that night. We made it through another night and Monday came. It was time for Stephan to go back to work and for me to make a decision, start learning how to pick myself up or stay stranded. I woke up the next morning and realized that I was okay. I made it through the night and my mind didn't keep me up with all of the terrible things I know it has the capability of. But this next night wasn't going to be so easy.
Wednesday was finally here, it seemed like way more than any week I've ever lived through. My mom and I got up and drove to the Cancer Center, a place I wouldn't even call by name because of the same reason I wouldn't pick up that stupid bag. It was going to be a long morning, meeting the team of doctors that I was now going to be closely acquainted with. It was more miserable than I thought. I'd spent the entire last week crying off and on and trying to hide it. Now, each time someone new came into the room we had to re-hash the whole scenario and I'd cry all over again. I didn't know any human could cry that much in one day. They were very good and made sure that we were clear on as much as we could be but I couldn't help sitting there wishing that in my lifetime I never had to meet them. People said I would feel better knowing the "plan" when I left but I sort of felt more weighed down with the new information that was placed in my lap and what it all meant for me. This is going to be the hardest year of my life and I have a family and a job to tend to, I don't have time for all of this. What about my sister's wedding in a month? I can't have chemo treatments then... I'll be sick! I'm supposed to get my hair done and be her maid of honor. How can I do that with no hair?! You mean to tell me that you are going to leave this crap in me for 4-5 months before you take it out? We will start in the next two weeks... can we really wait that long?
Since then everything has happened pretty fast and to be honest, they couldn't have done it any sooner than two weeks in order to get everything in that needed to be completed before hand. MRI, echocardiogram, chemo class, meeting with my oncologist, port-a-cath surgery... By tomorrow, the only thing left on that list will be my surgery and then we start with chemo. I've heard that's where all of the fun is (note the sarcasm). I think that's the scariest part for me right now because nobody can tell you how your body is going to respond and this stuff makes you sick. I still cry when I throw up, how am I supposed to fight through these chemo treatments for 5 months? I already can't stand the looks of pity from everyone around me and the ones I'm imagining from total strangers on the street. And if I hear one more time, "Oh hunny, you're too young to be going through this." I might just lose it! Do they not realize that I'm fully aware of how "too young" I am to be going through this? I don't even have family history, so I'm WELL aware that this is just one of those crazy things that I got picked to deal with.
One thing I will always remember is feeling as if I was breaking bad news to everyone. Like I had to call or text people and let them down easy. I was worried about how to tell each person and if I had told everyone that needed to know the most. At one point I wondered why I even cared when I realized it's because that's who I am, more worried about everyone else around me than myself. I'm forever grateful and thankful for the overwhelming support I have received from the most amazing group of friends and family that anyone could ever hope for. I don't know that I have ever been so prayed for in my entire life. It's an amazing feeling knowing that you have so many people in your corner, thinking of you, praying for you, and loving you at any given moment.
It's ironic to me that I decided to blog tonight and found an old blog I had started when Cadence was born. Even more so, the title of it is A "Peace" of Mind. As I sit here tonight I have felt so at peace with it. I know how those women past and present have picked themselves up because I have no other choice. In the darkest time of my life, I have no choice but to pick myself up off the floor and push myself through the next second, minute, hour, day, week, month, and year. I can't explain to anyone how I'm doing it, sometimes I sit alone at night and wonder myself. But I'm doing it. I... Am... Doing it. I am going to fight, I'm going to continue to be the best mother I know how, the best wife I know how, and I am going to successfully push myself through each day until I am on the other side of this looking back and saying, I never realized how strong I am!
It's strange to me, but I think the worst part of it all was seeing the 3 strongest people I have ever known be crushed to the absolute core. It seemed like hours, sitting there and everyone staring at me with eyes full of pity. I hate when people look at me that way. Then they gave me a bag... full of resources and "stuff" to help my "journey". It was a pink and black bag with a breast cancer ribbon on the front. I couldn't even pick up the bag when we left. It was like admitting what was just said to me was real and accepting that this was now my life.
That day I began to think about all of the millions of women who have been through this and are going through this just like me. How can they possibly go on with their lives like normal? How do you pick yourself from the deepest, darkest pits of hell that you are just plunged into and move forward? I couldn't comprehend how I was going to make it through each day from then on without being drowned in the pity from others and myself over my new life. The days seemed so long. I spent every night that week at my parents, including the one before the results. There was a peace about being there and not just for me. It was helpful since Stephan works nights so Cadence and I wouldn't be alone. I know it made my parents feel better too. The weekend came and we stayed home Saturday since Stephan would be off. It's almost like I had to relearn how to separate myself from the dependency of my parents and their home. I remember not sleeping good that night. We made it through another night and Monday came. It was time for Stephan to go back to work and for me to make a decision, start learning how to pick myself up or stay stranded. I woke up the next morning and realized that I was okay. I made it through the night and my mind didn't keep me up with all of the terrible things I know it has the capability of. But this next night wasn't going to be so easy.
Wednesday was finally here, it seemed like way more than any week I've ever lived through. My mom and I got up and drove to the Cancer Center, a place I wouldn't even call by name because of the same reason I wouldn't pick up that stupid bag. It was going to be a long morning, meeting the team of doctors that I was now going to be closely acquainted with. It was more miserable than I thought. I'd spent the entire last week crying off and on and trying to hide it. Now, each time someone new came into the room we had to re-hash the whole scenario and I'd cry all over again. I didn't know any human could cry that much in one day. They were very good and made sure that we were clear on as much as we could be but I couldn't help sitting there wishing that in my lifetime I never had to meet them. People said I would feel better knowing the "plan" when I left but I sort of felt more weighed down with the new information that was placed in my lap and what it all meant for me. This is going to be the hardest year of my life and I have a family and a job to tend to, I don't have time for all of this. What about my sister's wedding in a month? I can't have chemo treatments then... I'll be sick! I'm supposed to get my hair done and be her maid of honor. How can I do that with no hair?! You mean to tell me that you are going to leave this crap in me for 4-5 months before you take it out? We will start in the next two weeks... can we really wait that long?
Since then everything has happened pretty fast and to be honest, they couldn't have done it any sooner than two weeks in order to get everything in that needed to be completed before hand. MRI, echocardiogram, chemo class, meeting with my oncologist, port-a-cath surgery... By tomorrow, the only thing left on that list will be my surgery and then we start with chemo. I've heard that's where all of the fun is (note the sarcasm). I think that's the scariest part for me right now because nobody can tell you how your body is going to respond and this stuff makes you sick. I still cry when I throw up, how am I supposed to fight through these chemo treatments for 5 months? I already can't stand the looks of pity from everyone around me and the ones I'm imagining from total strangers on the street. And if I hear one more time, "Oh hunny, you're too young to be going through this." I might just lose it! Do they not realize that I'm fully aware of how "too young" I am to be going through this? I don't even have family history, so I'm WELL aware that this is just one of those crazy things that I got picked to deal with.
One thing I will always remember is feeling as if I was breaking bad news to everyone. Like I had to call or text people and let them down easy. I was worried about how to tell each person and if I had told everyone that needed to know the most. At one point I wondered why I even cared when I realized it's because that's who I am, more worried about everyone else around me than myself. I'm forever grateful and thankful for the overwhelming support I have received from the most amazing group of friends and family that anyone could ever hope for. I don't know that I have ever been so prayed for in my entire life. It's an amazing feeling knowing that you have so many people in your corner, thinking of you, praying for you, and loving you at any given moment.
It's ironic to me that I decided to blog tonight and found an old blog I had started when Cadence was born. Even more so, the title of it is A "Peace" of Mind. As I sit here tonight I have felt so at peace with it. I know how those women past and present have picked themselves up because I have no other choice. In the darkest time of my life, I have no choice but to pick myself up off the floor and push myself through the next second, minute, hour, day, week, month, and year. I can't explain to anyone how I'm doing it, sometimes I sit alone at night and wonder myself. But I'm doing it. I... Am... Doing it. I am going to fight, I'm going to continue to be the best mother I know how, the best wife I know how, and I am going to successfully push myself through each day until I am on the other side of this looking back and saying, I never realized how strong I am!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)