Here’s TWO you

So it’s the eve of August 9 and this has been at times the scariest two years of my life. Tonight I will go to sleep full of prayers and thankful for all that I have come through. At the end of this school year I was told I’m probably not going back to work. I knew that was a firm statement and didn’t tell anyone because I’m not claiming it. So before school was finished I had a port placed in my brain to kick this cancers butt. You may not know that chemo cannot pass to your brain so this direct port was the only way. So since then I have been taking chemo all through summer. Now we have reached a place where I only go once a week and we were finally able to go to Wilmington. On top of that I’m going back to work!!! It’s going to take some flexibility from my coworkers but they are the greatest team I could ask for. In the meantime, some wonderful things have happened between my oncologist and neurosurgeon just being my champions as well as the nurses. I continue to be so thankful for all of the support in many forms. I pray for you guys daily and so thankful for my friends, family, and medical team. Please don’t ever feel your thoughts and prayers are unnoticed and know they give me the strength to RISE! #IWillRise #TeamWhite

Call me Harrietta

       I just realized it's been about 8 months since I last blogged. A lot has happened in 8 months of just normal, happy life. A White family vacation to Universal, Christmas, a new baby niece, lots of birthdays, almost a full school year finished, basketball, football, and many other things that I cannot account for at the moment. Then there is something that hasn't happened. I haven't been able to defeat this wicked cancer inside my head. It has really made me angry this time and I am so sick of the look of defeat on people's faces and the feeling that people around me, including medical professionals, seem to be giving up. They haven't but it sure is starting to feel that way. Which is why I have found myself here, once again, in the place where I'm digging up from the deepest, darkest pits of the lowest places to RISE.
       Allow me to reintroduce myself... you my now call me Harrietta Potter. Anyone who has known me, even for a minute, knows this is about to get really nerdy but once I tie it together, if you're a Potterhead, you will LOVE me even more than you thought humanly possible. For those of you who don't know anything about Harry Potter except the fact that I'm overly obsessed with the series, he was a wizard born into a world of magic. Not long after his birth his parents were killed by The Dark Lord, Lord Voldemort. Now Harry was protected from being killed because of his mother's love. But Harry was inadvertently made a horcrux. This is an object that Voldemort stores part of his soul in every time he commits another murder, if his soul is spread in different places he can never be killed unless all of those things are destroyed. The attempted murder of Harry did leave a scar on his head and as Harry got older he realized through the pain in that scar that he and Voldemort were connected. But not matter what happened in Harry's life, he always battled that darkness that was cast inside his body and always stayed in the light.
      So this is where I come in, I have decided with the newest developments of my battle, that I too have a Voldemort in my life who has been trying to consume me with darkness and to take away all that I love most in this world. I too will now have a scar on my head and will continue spending time in my life fighting this darkness inside me. And though at times it may have me on my knees in anger, sadness, hate, and fear, I know that I can be like a Phoenix and RISE from the ashes! (See what I did there? Rise and a Potter reference, that was totally accidental. LOL! Okay, enough of that.) Really though, I am here and each day in itself is a blessing. Each day I'm trying to focus on what is most important in my life and keep that my priority. On the side, I will continue to battle my Voldemort but I will not allow it to steal my love, my joy, my time because I feel sorry for people who live that way. That is not living, that is not fighting, and that is NOT me! So today I leave you with this famous quote from my favorite book/movie series... "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times if one only remembers to turn on the light."




As always, I love you all and I cannot tell you how much your prayers, love, well wishes, and quick check-ins mean to me. I may not respond but I do see them and get them and it strengthens my soul with every flicker of light you send my way.  #TeamWhite #IWillRISE #VictoryIsInMyVeins #BattleofaBadass #Always

Oh, I have cancer?

I don't know that many will understand but there is something about being told your cancer has resurfaced after you have been told you have stage 4 or it's covering your brain that just doesn't feel as harsh. Call me a cynic and some might see it as inappropriate but that's just how it felt. There was no gut wrenching blow, no devastating cry, but it did hurt and hurt bad. I think the worst parts of this are the emotional highs and lows. I mean, it was nice to have 3 months of "normal" but doggone this sucks. So I cried and I felt sorry for myself all afternoon yesterday and on into the night. I didn't want to talk because every time I did I cried again and I hate that part. I'm not a sad person and I don't like feeling sad.

 I wasn't sure how I was going to pull it together to go to work but I did. When I got there I cried and cried some more. I must say that I have never been more thankful to work in a place where my coworkers are so much more. They have all been so good and supportive of me and I am so thankful for each of them. But going to work was the best thing. I realized after about 2 hours I hadn't thought about my new cancer at all and it's been less than 24 hours. I'm going to continue with that, not giving it the time in my day, I'm going to keep laughing and keep working, keeping loving and having a blast with my boys, and in the meantime I am going back in for round 3.

So the cancer came back in my brain. I don't know if they got sick of counting or what but the doctor told me about 30 lesions but the paper says 30-50. Sound familiar? Well this time they are mostly in the cerebellum (back and base of the brain). There are three small spots in the front they are keeping an eye on for now but we are starting targeted radiation treatment on Thursday. I will go through 10 treatments and these are not supposed to affect my day to day. After that we wait some more, 2 months more before we can have another scan. I plan to be all finished after that. Please send all you got my way and if you stopped praying for even a day I need you to put me back in and keep me on your long term list. And let's all pray that this is not a full length boxing match and I don't have to go 12 rounds! Lol, okay... too soon? I have to find some humor but seriously I hope third times a charm and I'm focused just like before. There will be no what if, there is only when I beat it. I hate having to be "the strongest person you know" because the human side of me hates going through this. I am terrified and it is the hardest thing I can ever imagine going through aside one other thing I won't dare type or say out loud. I hate this whole thing and I can't even think of a word to describe the hate I have for for this stupid disease. With that being said, I will be the strongest person you know and I hope to continue to inspire everyone to be the best and live life focusing on what's important and not on the small stresses that in a year from now will never be remembered. Thank you for all of you that have already reached out to me in many ways and know that your words of encouragement, well wishes and prayers are the best gift of all.

Rise

Since I started my fight over a year ago there was one song that every word spoke to my heart, soul, body, and mind. Every word of every line gave me strength and courage. That song, "Rise" by Katy Perry has been played on repeat in my car many times over the last year and some months and on my computer just as many. Each time I'd cry, sing at the tops of my lungs and sometimes laugh while I cried when I reached remission. It has kicked me back into the ring by listening to those words even when I felt hopeless and I would suck it up and go back in the ring for more. So yesterday, after a long time waiting for the it's okay, I went and got this. My nugget drew the moon because we say I love you to the moon. And rise, it is my life mantra, the reminder of the fact that I will rise, victory is in my veins, because I am strong! And no matter how long and how hard I have to fight, "I won't just conform, I will still rise!"

Impatiently waiting

I hate waiting and having to wait 6 weeks after 4 weeks of radiation to your brain was almost as much torcher as the headaches that plagued me at the beginning of all of this. But they said nothing can be seen until 6 weeks later. So I have waited, impatiently for 6 weeks. I have to tell you that I have never prayed so much in my entire life as I have during this time. I prayed every day the whole time I was on the radiation table that every bit of that radiation was working in my brain and killing every ounce of cancer there, and every day at least 5 times a day that in the 6 weeks following it was still working to kill all of the cancer. I knew with as many lesions as I had to my brain, it was a long shot, but I also knew what I have achieved so far so I tried to keep my head high.

As positive as I was the first time around, I would be a big fat liar if I didn't say this time has been the scariest time of it all. It was just April when I was sitting in a hospital room with my mom and a doctor came in and told me how incredible my scans were with so many lesions and we thought that was it for me. So here I find myself a nervous wreck, trying to function as normal for everyone around me, every day for 6 weeks.

So 6 weeks comes and I haven't had a scan even scheduled yet. When I called to ask them about scheduling they tell me we have to wait a full 2 months. WHAT?! So not only have I had to wait 6 weeks but now I have to wait 2 more. This is not funny, fair, or any of the sort and so with that we scheduled the scan and waited some more.

I did not love the MRI of the brain last time, maybe because this was in the hospital when I had just found out there were areas of concern and it was loud and the mask is really close to your face along with the tunnel you're in and it takes an hour. So I was nervous and on the verge of tears all morning on Friday. I was doing okay until the tech asked me the routine questions about what I'm there for and then said so exactly how many lesions did you have. I just looked at her a moment because I haven't been able to say the number out loud. I took a deep breath and said 40-50 and then she reacted... I broke down in tears and cried it out for a minute. After that was over we went in and she said at this place they have headphones and I can pick my Pandora station. So I got set up, the mask wasn't so bad after having 15 treatments of radiation with a mask that was fitted to my entire head/face, I put on the headphones and picked Pentatonix radio. We started and I felt a sense of calmness come over my entire body. I'd been praying all night and all morning that I could get through it okay and all my cancer would be gone. The first full song to play was Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen and Pentatonix was singing. I cried like a baby and couldn't move since I was in the tube so the tears just streamed my face and I even sang along with it. As long as I knew my next 3 days would be, I was thankful for the music today and calming me so that the MRI didn't feel as long.

The weekend came and thankfully my sis and brother came to visit and helped the time pass. I got up this morning with knots in my stomach and when mom and I got in the car, I could tell she felt the same way. It was a long, quiet ride, though we tried to make small talk and laugh. The wait for the doctor was even longer and painful. I felt at one point like I was going to throw up. Then he walks in, he is the least expressive man in the world, and starts small talking me about how am I doing, what's my status with my oncologist, then brings up my cardiologist (I have to see them because of the maintenance drug I take every 3 weeks). In my head I'm like great, here we go, the ceiling is about to crash down, been here before. Then he looks at me and said my scans look great. I had to let that sink in a bit and he said they were much improved and the brain board was impressed with my progress. So here I sit thinking yeah, yeah, but... So I asked him what that meant exactly. So basically my scans were clear and anything that "showed up" was inactive. So now I'm going to shout 40-50 lesions from the roof top as I continue to share my story with people, it no longer scares me. I had 40-50 lesions and now I don't. I have stage 4 breast cancer and at this moment in my life, after a full year of battling for my life, MY LIFE, I am in remission! This time when I say remission they have scanned every part of my body except maybe my toes, so I am there!!!! Today, I have beat stage 4 breast cancer that went to my entire brain and reeked havoc on my head!!!! My prayers have been answered and I can't thank all of you enough for praying for me and sending your love and positive thoughts to me because without it I would not be here. My battle will never be over as I will continue taking my 3 week maintenance and my 5 daily chemo pills for my brain, but I will take it all to be able to sit here and type these words of victory to you!
#TeamWhite #VictoryIsInMyVeins #IWillRise #IAmTheStorm

Crying laughter

That was my emotion when I got her phone call. That week was a really long week but the longest part was Friday. I had an unexpected bone and CT scan that week because when at the doctor the week prior, receiving my every 3 week maintenance treatment, my blood work came back and something about the levels for my liver caused my doctor some concern. She said it could be the medicines I am on but with the way things have recently gone of course I was nervous. I took a couple of days and tried to shake it off knowing that we probably wouldn't be getting scans and such quickly and I could not let myself get shaken up over this. The greatest thing that a friend told me, my counselor as I have nicknamed her, is that no matter what I can handle this because I have handled so much more already. She was right and that shook it off, she always has the right thing to say at the right time. Not only does she believe in me and tell me all the time that I've got this but even when things are scary, she gives me that kick I need and I needed that right then. Those words have rung true in my ears since and I tell myself that over and over. No matter what, I can handle it because look what I've handled so far. I mean come on, I still can't begin to explain how I have managed to stay so uplifted and positive but I have. Never in my life have I been able to take negative things and be positive about them and here I am facing the biggest fight of my life that will be a fight for my entire life and I'm beasting through it like a champ! I'm more proud of myself and what I have accomplished in the last 8 months than I have ever been. I am also proud of the people in my life and so thankful for all of them. I have been surrounded by the most amazing people and I don't know why I deserve it. I continue to be shown so much goodness and kindness and love and support from so many people, close and far, that I can't get down about it. I'm crying now just thinking about all of the blessings that my family has received since August. I can't get down about the struggles because of the goodness I have seen around me since far outweighs anything else, and thank you will just never be enough.
So anyway, I got way off track, back to that week. The bone scan wasn't what I was focused on because it doesn't show the liver and that was the docs concern. Of course it was the one we did early in the week and the CT wasn't until Friday. However, it was early Friday morning so I knew I could call my doc once I left and ask her to call me with results because I wasn't scheduled to see her until mid-day Monday and I just would rather know, good or bad, and have the weekend to cope and move forward, I didn't want to sit on the what if's all weekend, that's worse for me. So 5 'oclock comes and no phone call. I was so bummed out that she didn't call and now I was going to be nervous and sitting all weekend, extra nervous because I figured if she didn't call that it's because she wanted to tell me the bad news in person. At 6:30 when my phone rang and it was the Cancer Center I was shocked and picked up, maybe a little too quickly. "Hey Meghan, it's Dr. Feng. How are you?" "I'm good, I how are you?" " Good! I have some great news!" My heart started beating again!! She proceeded to tell me that my scans were clear. I asked her at least 4 times over to repeat that, clear/clear, are you sure?! All to which she confirmed. I also confirmed that last time there were still spots on bones and now there are not. Which again, she confirmed. I was beyond the moon. I ran in the bedroom to tell Stephan and couldn't stop laughing and crying and then proceeded to call my mom and everyone else I could think of that was waiting on information from me that day. And best yet, it was my Gacky's birthday. So I went to her house with mom to tell her the great news as well as my dad and Papaw. It was the best feeling in the world to know that at least below my neck, my cancer is not detectible from the scans I had. I mean what?! Y'all, I'm beating this thing. I said I was going to beat it, I believe I'm going to beat it, I am fighting every day to beat it, I will not ever stop trying to beat it, and that is my mission is to beat this thing until they find a cure. HOT DOG!!!
All of the praying, positive thinking, gifts of wellness, cards, thoughts, messages, go get 'ems, they are all working. I ask that you continue because as we all know, my fight is not over. Far from over. Now we focus on my brain and complete healing. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I am scared but I have faith, I have got this and NO MATTER WHAT I CAN HANDLE IT. I will take it head on (lol, I didn't mean to make that pun but there you go). The whole brain radiation was a lot more than I anticipated. It has completely affected my mobility and made it difficult for me to walk and get up at times. I am thankful to be feeling stronger every day but the strength comes very, VERY slowly. Its frustrating to have to plan out where you're going and if you can go because if there are stairs it's a wrap. But patience is one thing I have learned to have a lot of during this as well as letting others help me (I HATE THAT). Sometimes though, you just have to sit down and take it. I can only hope that if it affected my body in this way that it really socked that cancer out along with the chemo pills I'm taking and they are really working to clear up the lesions that were in my brain. That is my hope and prayers now and that my body will continue to be clear of any cancer due to the maintenance treatments I receive.
The last thing I want to say today is how thankful I am for the people and things happening in my life. I am truly beyond words with all that we have received and all that has happened and I know it is not by accident. My family, not that I thought they wouldn't, has been the most but my mother has been the biggest trooper. I can't imagine what it's like to see your child go through this and still manage to keep one foot in front of the other while caring for her every need. Making sure my family is cared for as well as still managing to function on a daily basis. She has been to every appointment with me refusing to let me go alone and no matter what sticks right by my side. I will never be able to thank her enough for dealing with my "Benedryl Meghan" attitude from the doctor appointments and taking me everywhere I need to go. The rest of my family has been amazing, chipping in and helping out. I just can't thank them enough. I even asked my sister why she was so good to me when we hated each other so much growing up. I love her so much and I'm so thankful that she was chosen to be my sister. My co-workers need mentioning too because they have really done too much for me. My principal went to bat for me over something that I will never be able to thank her for and it has helped my family through this year with me being off in ways I couldn't imagine. They have supported me with pictures of my nugget when he is at school, special gifts, sweet messages, I just can't thank them enough for being so good to me and loving me and mine. I will forever be grateful for people I call amazing friends. And that leaves me with a couple more I need to mention today... I won't specifically mention but I haven't yet been able to think about it without crying. I received an unexpected gift from Elizabeth, Bug, Cat, Emily, Kathy, Jennifer, and my mom that really just overwhelmed me. Thank you to them as well will never be enough but it's all I have right now. I wish I could say or do more or something that felt more significant to me but Thank you, thank you, thank you for all you have done. To everyone else for cards, prayers, well wishes, sweet messages, you all are just as amazing for the daily encouragement. The fact that #TeamWhite is so big is beyond my wildest dreams and to know that many people and more are in my corner cheering for me is such an amazing thing. So thank you all for everything. Keep praying, keep the positive thoughts and know that #IWillRise #VictoryIsInMyVeins #IAmTheStorm.

Lots of scary words followed by a bright light

I'm starting this one with a warning of shock, I don't know how else to describe the day. I also need to apologize if this one isn't as coherent as it should be. This whole brain radiation really gets your brain all weak and sometimes I don't know what my fingers are putting out. I have to say thank goodness for auto correct the last few weeks while texting, it pretty much drives my conversations.

So I guess it was the 5th, I know it was a Friday and I think that was the day. It was such a rough day and I had been telling people as nice as it was to say that word "remission" there was something heavy about it. Now I know what. I had been having some headaches before that after a while went away with some heat and pillow changes, so even though we had an MRI lined up that didn't work out and we decided not to reschedule because my symptoms went away. I realize now that was the right thing to do, however, we cannot live like that with the "if only we had". So anyway, long story short the headaches came back and with a vengeance. That Friday my brand new refrigerator was being worked on and it was so painful all the noises and anything that my mom had to come over so I could lay in my bedroom. As soon as the guy left we went to the hospital where everything went from there.

I won't say that I think the doctors did ANYTHING wrong at the hospital, I think they did the best they could with what was in front of them and this isn't something they deal with regularly so I have to give them credit. They were all very kind, compassionate, caring, and tried to help me in any way they could. That being said, there is a lot to be said for how things are delivered. We arrived at the hospital just before lunch and were seen pretty quickly. After a quick scan it was discovered that my cancer had in fact moved into my brain. This was causing the headaches and my brain was super irritated from the lesions on it. I should say that my specific breast cancer does go to the brain and it is just an area of the body that HER 2+ breast cancer can spread. There is a blood brain blocker (something like that) that prevents the chemotherapy from treating your brain however, so all of that great response to chemo in the rest of the body isn't allowed up in your brain because your brain sees the chemo as a toxin and will not allow it through, interesting huh? There was lots of scariness like it being there, "your brain is irritated and trying to force itself out of your head because of the irritation of the lesions" (YIKES?! WHAT?!) Yep, could have done without that little bit of information!!! So then we had to go from Wesley Long to Cone so that I could have an MRI done to get a better image and see exactly what we were dealing with. I wish I could say that it got better but it definitely did not. After hours more we were met by another doctor who had been in contact and working with the previous ER doctor. He came in to let us know that I in fact have 40-50 lesions on my brain and my scans were "incredible".

Incredible....

Let that sink in for a moment at the same time you hear 40-50 lesions.

Now I have not for one second thought this was it for me, nor given up, nor any of that. But when that was all said to me, I admittedly went there. And I have to tell you to hear this and your mom is there with you feeling all of the things you're feeling and plus some, this was probably a darker moment for me than the original experience of all of this. We went there and for a couple of hours. The room was hopeless, and all I could hear was 40-50 lesions and "incredible". It really quite pissed me off! I'm not some medical class case study, though maybe one day I will be. I am a person sitting here finding out this stuff right now and you just used the word "incredible"!!!! (Okay, I'm over it again.) But I did not think it was incredible. For the record.

After that was a blur, we were being admitted for the night, they started me on steroids right away and gave me a headache cocktail that I am so thankful for, and told me they were trying to reach the on call oncologist for the weekend and I would see them tomorrow some time. Meanwhile, my husband is home with our child, I don't know what to tell him but when you have to call him and tell him that he probably needs to call into work and then you have to tell him this over the phone, my heart broke into a million pieces all over again. He has certainly been such a positive trooper through all of this and tries to keep everyone up. Hearing him break for my situation was one of the lowest things I have ever had to do. There just is no good way. So my dad, husband and son all come up to the hospital to prepare to say goodnight. The sweet nugget brought a book for us to read, colored me a picture, and brought a stuffed animal for me to sleep with. <3 Have I told you how much he is my everything?!

So here's the silver lining, I'd been on the phone with my best friend Cat, crying and being a mess and then was talking to my best friend since Kinder, Elizabeth. Admittedly we were having that, you have been so good to me and the best friend and been there for everything in life and I'm sorry I wasn't as good a friend to you as you me, I was going on and on as we both cried hysterically into the phone. As I'm crying and loving to her, my door burst open, a man walks in, he looks at me and says "You want to go home?" In shock, I look up, abruptly ended our call and told her I'd call her back, and said, "excuse me?"

This man will forever be my God send. When I tell you there was only one thing that could have happened in this world at that moment, on that day, it was him. Dr. Ennover (I think that's the spelling but I will NEVER forget him.) The on call oncologist showed up at 9:30 that night, did NOT make me wait to see him until the next day, and came to let me go home. Of course my first question to him "Can I go to my son's football game in the morning?" Why not, he says?! My heart started beating again for the first time it felt like in hours. Again, he was a God send!

He talked with us a while about all the "scary" things that were said and completely understood. He said they don't see this every day, it's not their area so they are just going on what they have. He told me, yes there are lots of lesions but they aren't big masses. He wasn't worried and he tells his patients, when I worry, you can worry. You need to stop worrying, you are young and we can act aggressively. He did go on to say that he was shocked and impressed that aside from headaches that I had ZERO other issues. He did say that he was surprised I have not had a seizure and that I was functioning at a normal level for so many weeks, that just goes to show that we can do work with me. He told us he would be working, and already reached out, to radiation and they would have me set up and ready to get started on treatment Monday. They sure did too. He talked to me about his faith, how he felt about what I'm going through, how I can handle lots of stuff because my body seems to be fighting it really well and I'm going to be fine. I WILL NEVER FORGET HIM! He put us all at ease that night and I was so thankful for him. My parents, husband and son all left feeling like this isn't hopeless after all. Thankful, thankful, thankful, thankful, thankful.

Fast forward, I went to C's game and we ended up going to Charlotte for the weekend to celebrate a birthday for our cousin. It was so good to be with friends and family and I'm thankful for them as well. Sunday my oncologist called to check on me, so sweet, and we discussed what the plan was for Monday. Monday came and we began the plan. I was set for 14 treatments of whole brain radiation, I met with my oncologist and there was a mention of a special chemo pill that isn't easily accessible and costs LOTS of money, but she was going to try to get me approved (we were going to pay no matter what) to start it. This pill is supposed to be able to penetrate and work in the brain, YAY! There is a 65% chance of lifetime diarrhea (sorry if TMI) and a rash but for me beating cancer, who cares?! Within days I got a call that I had been approved and it was ready for pick up. Now I have to say this because YET AGAIN we have been so blessed in ways I cannot express. The doctor said it could run upwards of $1000 a month, this is for the rest of my life. When I called to see what we would need financially to cover the cost at pick up, "no cost". Wait, what?! Excuse me? No cost you said?! "No cost"........ Not only is it no cost to me, I guess I do have good insurance, it was over $6800 a month! WHAT?! Why are they making meds so expensive that people can't have them?!!! How are we trying to save people's lives if they don't have the access I do because I'm sure there are people who would use this if they could but can't afford it and I'm just so blessed and thankful that my insurance covers chemo at 100%. I'm so frustrated about that for others I can't stand it but remain thankful that it's something we don't have to chose between.

So that leads to here. I feel all over the place right now with my thoughts but it's been several weeks and it was a lot! I had very little time to get my life together after that Friday and pull myself back up and get my fight back. I did it fairly quickly, seriously days, and was back in fight mode by the next week. I've been positive as ever, I've been fighting like hell, and not a day goes by that I'm not thankful for that doctor that night, the team over the weekend getting me started so quickly, and the radiation I receive every day to help me fight this. OH! And those pills, which I have luckily had no reaction to!

Now radiation of the whole brain has been a whole other beast and quite an interesting feeling. I'm constantly tired, my body is so weak it takes me time to think about moving and getting up before I can actually do it. I'm not sick though, so I will take the tired, I will get my energy back so it's just temporary. I do a little bit of something and lay down because that's all I can do but that's okay. I'm here, I'm fighting, and I'm doing the best I can. I don't feel sorry for me, not for a second, I feel thankful. Thankful I can fight, thankful for the rest of my health like the doctor said, thankful for the medicine, radiation, insurance, lots of things people don't have that would make this something darn near impossible to do. I can't for one second imagine having to go through this and worry about all of the stuff that I probably should be that we don't have to. THANKFUL! I have two treatments left, Tuesday will be my last one, and then the waiting. 6 weeks waiting before we go for a scan to see how things played out. I pray every day, the entire 5 minutes on the table that the radiation is getting in there and killing every last spec of cancer in my brain and then the meds will continue to fight it and keep it from coming back. That's where my focus is. And you know what, I'd do this 50 times again and again to be victorious every time. I want to use my story and my attitude, and whatever else I've got to show the world it can be done and I'm going to do it.  I'm fighting like hell and will never give up. There are options, I have an amazingly supportive family who is willing to move heaven and earth to help me do so and so I'm never going to be counted out. It will NOT ever be me! So there you have it. Pray for my complete brain healing every day, send all the positives you have my way, always keep it in your head that if anyone can do this, it's me, and don't ever for a single second let it in your thoughts that I can't because I can! I will! I am! Love to you all.

Positive

It's been a while since my last post and there is a lot to update and talk about. I'm going to try to do my best to keep it organized as it all comes pouring out of my head onto the page. I ask you to hang in there if I start to ramble or go down random paths of thought.

A little over a month ago I had a PET scan. I was told that the PET scan shows EVERYTHING, bones, tissues... everything. So they use the PET to see what, if anything is left of the cancer. That day didn't seem as scary as I thought it would be once I woke up and started the motion of things. I was so thankful to be at some kind of peace that day knowing how scared I was the last time I was having a scan. The wait for the next few days was a tad bit anxiety filled but I managed. I went to the cancer center that Thursday morning and checked in like always, they did my blood work, and then I went back to see the doctor. While we were waiting, my nurse navigator came into the room and my heart stopped beating for a few seconds. She never comes to my appointments, she always comes to see me in the infusion room. I began feeling a sense of terror to see her in a place she wasn't supposed to be right before I was to find out the results of my scan. Once she read the look on my face as well as my mom's and we expressed our concern about her being there, she assured us that was NOT why she was there. She was coming to see how everything worked out since we had had some trouble with the scheduling and insurance approval of my scan and I had reached out to her a few days before to get her help. After that, my heart started again and I felt a sigh of relief. She then said she didn't know any details but had just run into my doctor in the hallway and she told her things were looking good. WHEW!!! What a relief, but what was good? Within a few moments my doctor came in and it was time to talk about the results. As my heart pounded and she sat down she begin to say that I responded really well to the chemo. I don't remember all of the details right now but I will do my best to recall them. On a PET scan they read things using numbers and a 2 or lower would be considered negative for any cancer. I had two smaller spots on my bones (rib and spine) that were no longer even in the report and she said that would be because they didn't find anything there. My lymph nodes are also no longer showing any cancer. My breast was a 2.61 (I think that's the number) and they said that means it is gone from my breast. (I need to add in here that my doctor said scans are a good indication but until they remove and test the tissue, they can't be 100% sure). The only two spots left were the larger spots on my bones on the pelvis and sternum. We didn't talk numbers in the beginning of my journey so I was surprised to see the numbers for both of them at the start and what they are now. I can't remember which was which but one was originally a 23 and is now a 4!!! The other was an 18 and is now a 3!!!! You talk about response to treatment! All of that was such amazing news.

I should have been so happy and for a few minutes I was over the moon. Then we got to talking about next steps and how there might not be any other steps except for my maintenance treatment. When she was telling me they may elect not to do surgery or radiation if the side effects are too dangerous for the outcome, my heart sunk and I felt like it was all for not. Here I was hearing great news and then thinking that we were finished. It felt like my road stopped short and I had been depending on these next steps for months. So on this day that should have been joyous and celebrated, I hardly felt like smiling. A week later a met with the surgeon who spoke with me at length about all of the questions I had formed since my last doctors visit and I left his office with mixed emotions after deciding that we were going to hold off on surgery until at least 3 months to see what the next scan showed. He said giving my body more time would give a clearer picture and more accurate with another scan because the body had more time to calm down after 5 months of such aggressive chemo treatments. He never once told me he would not do the surgery and left it up to my choice but weighed in heavily with the pros and cons and was willing to talk through it with me that day as long as I needed to keep talking.

Ironically in a time that should be happy, because I'm doing so well, I'm struggling to stay positive. Since the beginning people have told me that a positive attitude goes a long way towards your health. Knowing what I have been through to this point and the progress that my body has made, I am a firm believer in that but was having some trouble finding that positive. To be counting on these next steps and then feel like they were no longer there was almost as big of a blow to me as the original diagnosis and discovery period. 2 weeks later I went back to my doctor for my 3 week treatment and check-up and she and I talked more about the decision with my surgeon. For the first time through all of this I felt she was very convicted about which path I should take and she said that if my next scan was stable (no growth in cancer since stopping chemo) or if it was continuing to shrink, that she had talked to the surgeon and they are going to do a lumpectomy as well as either remove a few or biopsy some of my lymph nodes. After that I would likely start radiation on my pelvis and sternum. The down side is if it's not stable (cancer has grown since stopping chemo) then no surgery or radiation and we will have to revisit chemo treatment plans. I don't know why that conversation gave me some of my power back but it did. I still can't put my finger on it but all I know is it gave me that extra boost I needed. So here we are just finding my new normal and trying to get my life back to where I was before until my next scan in about 2 months when we will then make new plans.

That all leads me back to being positive. I have shocked myself all through this process at the strength I have managed to find inside and at my ability to stay mostly positive. I know that is what has lead me to where I am now, beating stage 4 cancer with every ounce of my body and soul. It has felt so good to be back to "normal" feeling and being able to function through a week without feeling completely dependent on everyone around me to even sometimes take a shower. To know I have made it through one of the most debilitating experiences that anyone could ever go through and I'm still swinging is empowering. But... I have to say that it is so disheartening when I am talking to people who have pity in their eyes, their voice, their words as they speak to me. The one thing that has not helped me through this is pity or sympathy from others. I know it's hard to hide and you feel so sorry, I would feel the same way, but you don't understand the damage it does. I have not once given up on me, I have not once felt sorry for myself, I have not once believed that this is it for me because it is not. I do not claim it and I see the results of my strong fight. So I ask all of you to do the same. Do not feel bad or sorry for me, do not feel sorry for my family or my close friends, do not look at me with pity and sadness because if you do, you have given up on me, you do not believe in me, and you do not think that I can win this fight. Look at me with awe and inspiration, look at me as an example for awareness for women and being more in tune with their bodies. Look at my family with joy because you know they will all be stronger because they have seen me fight a damn good fight and look at my son with pride knowing he will be such a strong and wonderful human because of me and the compassion and love he has shown me through this at the young age of 6. There are people living through this, exactly like me, who have made it through and come out the other end. So many people think you can't beat it but I know now that you can. I personally know someone who has since shown me others who have come out of the exact same stage and type of cancer I have and are living a normal life many, many years later. I don't ask why me because I know there is a purpose for this. I know I'm supposed to open peoples eyes, show myself just how strong I am when for so long I thought I was weak, and show people what you can do when you put your mind to it. So again I say, do not feel sorry for me or pity me because I don't want people who have given up on me. I want people who are going to look at me and I can see in their eyes they believe I can do this, people who are going to check me when I start to get down, and high five me when I'm up.

I have to tell you that I have been thinking about all of this for a while and when someone looks at me so sad, I internalize it and use it as more motivation to prove them wrong. It wasn't until I got a letter from my OBGYN stating that she had received some of my recent information from my oncologist and she was "so sorry, I know it's hard going through this". I was thrown off by that letter and kept asking myself why she was sorry, did she not see how much progress I had made? I realized it was pity, she was "so sorry" because she knew it was hard for me. Unless you have been through it you have NO idea how "hard" it is but your "sorrys" don't help. So I decided she can keep her sorry (I know it was coming from a good place) and I ripped up the letter and threw it in the trash leaving the negative behind. I have no time for anything but positive because I'm POSITIVE I am going to beat this thing.

Love you all
#TeamWhite #IWillRise #VictoryIsInMyVeins #IAmTheStorm

PTSD

I never thought I'd be at a place in my life where I could say I suffer from PTSD. Now let me be clear, there is no diagnosis of this and it is nothing compared to what some go through, but I am fighting the anxiety away with a bat for this coming week. I have no other way to classify what I'm experiencing and boy does it suck. I know I have a choice to let it consume me or to take control and fight for my happiness, the latter is not easy.

I guess I should explain... This week I will be getting scans done to see what the progress is in my body of the cancer tumors. The last time I had these scans done we were still finding out just what we were dealing with. For weeks I was going to appointments and getting blow after blow and being broken over and over. A few months ago I was feeling the anxiety of this week that I knew was coming on a big scale. I cried a lot and let my biggest fears take control of me. After talking to a friend who has been my number one "pull me up by the belt loops and stand me on my feet" person, I began to come out of my funk and get back on the trail of thinking positive. Since then I have felt so strong mentally and not been the least bit worried. 

Now here we are, tomorrow is my PET scan and I won't know a thing until Thursday. I am fighting with myself over my thoughts and fighting hard to keep my eyes on the prize. I keep telling myself that I am winning this battle and I am a survivor, I will rise! As my anxiety creeps in at various times, I try to convince myself that I've got this and I say things to myself to build the confidence that I have got this. Tonight as I was driving alone my mind started to wander and I stuck my CD in and cranked up my Katie Perry song and sang it over and over and allowed myself to cry the first time through, but after that there were no more tears but a powerful strength filled their place. I will get through this week by fighting and fighting hard, as I have for the past 6 months. Thursday will come and I will probably go into my appointment with the doctor full of nerves knowing that I am hearing news about my scans again, remembering what it felt like the first time. However, I will go in knowing that I am fighting, I am winning, and I am a survivor.

A Beautiful Disaster

As Sunday approaches I look back at this year and have lots of mixed emotions. It was supposed to be one of the best of my life and turned into the most tragic. I am closing this year that started out with such excitement and happiness and ending it with the battle of my life.

After 10 years of being together, Stephan and I were finally getting married. I have known since early on that we were going to spend the rest of our lives together and he was my person. Of course, being who we are, we had to do things our way and some would say we did it all backwards. I think that we did it perfectly and we have built such a solid foundation and been through all life can throw at you to make sure we were a solid couple. I was so excited about finally coming to the day that we would marry and I could finally call him my husband. That word never gets old! It felt like time was flying and everything was falling into place. The day came and we were surrounded by the people we love the most and it was perfect! It was the most beautiful and special wedding I've ever been to and it was everything my little girl dreams had ever been made of. The Familymoon was just as special. Spending a week with my two favorite boys in the Bahamas at a beautiful resort was just the right ending to our celebration. When that was all over, life tossed us the most devastating blow that we could ever imagine.

We all know what happened next as our world came crashing down around us. I have said it before, it shook us all to the core and rocked our worlds as it felt like everything crumbled to our feet. And to feel the extreme high we had just been on emotionally and be knocked to an extreme low felt like all of the oxygen had been sucked out of the world and all the light was lost. Since that day I have been at war on many fronts, fighting at every corner I turn. As the year is ending, I am leading into the days before my last chemo treatment, a point at which I felt like would take forever to get to that has in fact approached very fast. The next month will bring lots of information and next steps for me on my path to victory. I hold on to things, no matter how small they may be, that keep my spirits lifted and keep my mind strong. There is one thing that has been super emotional for me since the beginning. There was a song I heard when it all happened and it was like a symbol of my journey. Every word spoke to me and I still can't hear the song without having extreme emotions. Recently I heard it on the way to my Aunt and Uncle's house on Christmas. Cadence had gotten the Kids Bop CD for Christmas and I had no idea it was on there. We were riding in the car listening and I was distracted by my run-away thoughts of my life and current situation when it came on. I was immediately overcome with emotion as I turned to Stephan and said, "this is my song, this is the song that sings the lyrics of my journey and my situation." As he began to listen with me I began to cry so hard I could barely see. He grabbed my hand and told me I was right and he has never once doubted me, he has faith that I'm going to beat this and he is so proud of me and how strong I am. We continued to listen and I continued to cry, hard, as I had just been drowning in my thoughts that were turning negative and scary, as they sometimes do. It was like a sign for me to be strong and "rise". Some days I listen to the song and feel so empowered and strong. I can jam out and sing it at the top of my lungs feeling the strength that it gives me as I have taken it as my anthem. Other days I cry and remind myself why it's my song and that "I will rise"! So as this year comes to an end and I sit here and reflect on all this year has brought us, I can only describe it as a beautiful disaster, one that gave me so much and taught me more about myself than I ever knew was possible. For that, I have to be thankful for 2016 and continue to be thankful for all I have and have been through knowing that it could be so much worse.



***I have linked the song and hope you will truly listen to the words as they have given me courage and strength as I fight forward.***
#VictoryIsInMyVeins  #IWillStillRise
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hdw1uKiTI5c

It started with a video...

I often say to people and wonder to myself how I have managed to be so strong and so positive through all of this. I have always struggled so much with dealing with heavy things in life and battled depression vs. staying on the bright side. I have never been able to see the light until after when I look back and think, why was that so hard for me. Because of past experiences, I continue to amaze myself at during this fight by having such strength. People keep telling me how much I inspire them, people also told me there would be a time I wouldn't feel so positive and that it's okay to take time to cry and be upset, to get it all out and move on.

This past week has been very trying for me emotionally. I have found myself battling very hard to stay positive and each time I turn around there is something else shaking my base, trying to knock the tower over. It started with a video. Those stupid videos on Facebook, which I spend too much time on lately, that pop up in your feed that have nothing to do with anything. It was about a young woman having stage 4 breast cancer. Let me be clear about the fact I have NOT asked about stage/prognosis since they found the other spots, I originally was diagnosed with stage 2 (I'll come back to this later). I have known since day 1 to not look up or read or watch anything online about cancer, I have known why it's not a good idea, and yet I couldn't keep scrolling. The video went on to say she was given 2-3 years. That was it, that was the moment in which my tower came crumbling down. I didn't watch anything else. I didn't want to see what an inspirational life she lead before she passed and how so many people will remember her as such an amazing person. I shut it off then and realized I had passed the point of no return. I cried, I cried hard. I had put myself back in the place I was when I found out my diagnosis. The place of fear, of sadness, of mourning what the future might hold for my baby boy. I curled up and cried for most of the day knowing that I had not asked any of the "hard questions", as my mom calls them, because I don't want to know what limit someone is willing to place on my life, yet here I am afraid that this may be my sentence. My poor, sweet husband, spent the entire day trying to comfort me and reassure me. I heard the sweetest words from him I have ever heard and some that meant more to me than anything he has ever said. We stood in the kitchen, me crying and him hugging me, and he told me he was so proud of me and I had been so strong, he didn't know I had this strength that he sees from me every day. Nothing he could say or do made me feel better. So I continued to cry and curled up in a ball crying on the couch for most of the rest of the day. Finally, at some point that afternoon, I started to coach myself. It was like talking myself down from the cliff. I began to remind myself that my doctors have never once put a limit on me and have ALWAYS talked about treating to cure. I reminded myself that my tumor and the place on my breast had responded after just the first treatment of chemo. I reminded myself that I am strong as hell and I have proven that to myself over the last 4 months and I am damn sure not going down like that. I reminded myself that I have faith that this is NOT the end of my story, I have too much left to do and the most important thing on that list is to be here to love that little boy and help him grow to be the best person he can be. Somehow, I managed to pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and push myself forward.

Since that day I have not been as strong as I have in the months, weeks, and days leading up. I can't unsee what I saw that day and I can't unfeel those feelings. So I find myself taking the time when I need it to cry and then I move on. I guess one person can only take being so strong for themselves and everyone else around them so much before they crack. It's hard feeling like everyone around me responds based on my actions. I try to hold it all together so that they will feel like it's okay and I'm okay and they can be okay. Most of the time it's real but some days it is very hard. And here I am now, finding myself more emotional and trying to pull it all back together. It is taking me some time, but I'm getting there, slowly. I must say, Cancer sucks! It sucks the life out of you and everyone around you if you let it and I almost did this past week. Now I'm sitting here typing this to say, NO MORE. It will not win, I will not let it, this will not define me, it will not take me away from who I am. I am woman, hear me roar! LOL! (Typing those last few sentences totally just made me feel loads better!)

To address the matter of the "hard questions". My mom was right, I haven't asked those because I wonder to myself what the point is. I mean, realistically we can figure most of it out. I don't want to sit in an office and hear someone spit statistics out to me because that's all it is. And what good does it do a person and their spirit to hear statistics that are stacked against you to be frank?! I don't need a doctor to tell me things that I can figure out on my own and I don't want to hear anything other than what are we going to do about it. My doctor has never once put a limit on me and given me a time frame. When she talks, she talks of treatment for cure and for that I will forever be thankful. I find great peace in that and knowing they are focused on this fight with me. I'm not getting treatment to help me while they can, they are trying to cure this stupid stuff and we are going to fight it together. And if that means I have to take "The Hammer" in chemo doses, then bring it on! So I ask all of you to support me, don't feel sorry for me, lift me up, keep praying, keep sending your love vibes (I love that name), and do not think of me as on a timer. Keep in your thoughts and prayers that I'm going to beat this and be one of those survivors because that's the only option I'm accepting. Don't even give the alternative a split second of your time because I'm not. I have cried and I am moving forward. I know I'm not finished crying yet, but I will be soon and I'm going to come out guns blazing.

As always, thank you. Thank you to the best family, friends, and support group I could ever ask for. Thank you for the continued cards, prayers, well wishes, sweet messages, and thoughtful expressions of support. You guys are an amazing team and I know I could not possibly do this without each and every one of you. This is the best team I've ever been a part of and while I wish for everything we didn't even have to have this team, I am beyond blessed and thankful that I have so many people rallying behind me. When this is all over, I'm going to look back and be so inspired to go out and make a difference with all you guys have given me. So again I say, thank you and I love you all from the bottom of my heart. #TeamWhite

Hindsight and all that jazz

I've been thinking on this one for a while. At first I considered it no big deal to write the post that is going to wake everyone, to make them pay more attention. Each time I got close to writing it though, I pulled back. I'm not sure if it's because it's so personal, stupid, embarrassing. I'm really not sure but I know if I'm going to be an advocate and raise awareness, I have to stop feeling any type of way and just do it.
We always say that "hindsight is 20/20" and it's the saying I find myself caught in the most wondering why the heck didn't I "see" it before. This situation is no different and I can only blame the fact that I just don't concern myself with things I should at times and often put myself on the back burner. I will never say I regret anything I've done in my life, though if I did, this would come the closest to it.
The summer of 2015 I noticed a cracking in my left nipple and had some issues that I had attributed to my birth control since I had just had it replaced and was having some different side effects than the first time. Long story short, everything that revolved around it I continued to justify with what I made up in my head as was the problem and never went to the doctor for it. Boy was I stupid for that! You hear about lumps and self exams all the time but I had honestly NEVER heard that an issue with your nipple could be an indicator of breast cancer. So yes, I could have caught it a year prior (here's where it's hard to say you don't regret something). Well ladies and gentlemen, THIS IS AN INDICATOR! Not until a year later, yes I was still having the issue, did I find the lump in my breast that pushed me into the doctors office.
Had I known a year before that could be something, would I have gone in then? I don't know, maybe. The minute I found the lump and thought cancer it was scary enough for me to make a move so it very well may have. But at the same time I don't know if I would have talked myself down from the ledge or thought because it never cleared up that maybe it was serious and gone in sooner to give myself a better chance at fighting this. One can only think that I whole year would have made so much difference in this fight of my life and possibly a little easier. All I do know is that is not how my story was meant to be written.
But I'm here now, I'm fighting it now, and I'm not throwing in the towel EVER! Some great news is when we went for my second treatment and had my appointment prior with my doctor, my nipple had been cleared up for the first time in over a year AND the lump!!! The lump is not able to be measured because it has softened so much. The doctor did NOT say it was gone or that she couldn't feel it at all but I cannot find it. Trust me when I say that lump was there, it was present, it was large, I could find it every time, and had even slightly changed the shape of my breast in that area. NO MORE. She DID say that before it was measuring over 4cm, I don't know if I ever mentioned that before, but now we couldn't measure without scans. I don't know about you guys but if this is a tournament, chalk me up for a first round win! Hearing that after such a ROUGH reaction to my first treatment was like finding the pot of gold after searching your whole life. It was the best feeling in the world. Definitely a victory for #TeamWhite.
Tonight as I sit here 5 nights after having my 3rd round of chemo, I continue to push myself to stay in the positive. I continue to wonder where this strength has come from that I have never been able to find in my dark times of life before, a strength I never knew I even had an ounce of. But here I am, pushing hard to be tough for me, my family, my friends, my baby boy. I would also encourage each of you to not be like me in one way, take care of yourself. If you notice something off, don't be a hard head, get checked out. It is totally worth the price of saving your life.

(I realize some of this was in a prior post about after my first treatment, so for those of you who might have missed. It's still fun to talk about the positive we know so far.)

And the winner of Round 1 is...

Today was finally the day to get my second of six rounds of chemo. I was so ready to get this show on the road but thankful for the extra delay so I could go to work for a few weeks before going on leave. At the same time, I've been really nervous about round 2 knowing how hard I was hit with round 1. I'm just hopeful that in the coming days, I will be better prepared this time around and know how to combat some of the symptoms I didn't know how to last time.

So here we are, got up this morning and got me and the little ready. Dad took him to school and mom took me to the doctors. Labs first, then meet with my oncologist, then on to chemo. I had no idea I would walk out of the doctor visit as happy as I did. I had checked a little over 2 weeks ago and not been able to find my lump anymore. Naturally I was excited but nervous that I was making it up and it was all in my head. I didn't tell but a handful of people because I was afraid it was too good to be true. Needless to say I was stoked today when I found out Dr. Feng would be examining me before my treatment and not just going over labs and whatnot. Great news is, she seemed as excited as I was when she did her exam and stated that it has softened to the point she wasn't even able to measure it!!!! Before I started chemo, it was solid and she was able to measure it at over 4cm. Now, I don't know if she can't measure it because it's so soft she can't find the start and finish of it or if there isn't really a "mass" there to measure. But either way, this is GREAT news! After just one treatment!!! And the other part of that is my nipple has cleared up as well! I have 4 treatments left after today's treatment and I have already had great news after just one.

You talk about a boost to push you forward!!! I thought I was going to go through all 6 rounds and not find out until afterwards if it even made any improvements but to get this news today was amazing and now I will take that and use it as motivation to push me through every round I have to endure! Thank you all for the continuous prayers and well wishes, support, and pushes at times to help me through. I truly believe that every bit of it, along with my positive outlook, and "savage" fight is what is doing this. I am beyond thankful today for this information and will keep that in the forefront of my mind over this next week as I battle the symptoms from this aggressive chemo dose. I AM DOING THIS!!!!!

On a side note, I finally saw some younger women in there around my age. It's not something I was excited to see because I don't wish this on anyone, but of all the times I have been there, I'm always the only one even close to my age. I was seated next to one in the treatment room today and found out she was 4 years younger than me with ovarian cancer. She is a high school teacher, we had a good conversation about our differences in our jobs and how things are going with being in and out and such this year. Tonight I will say a prayer for her that she gets good news like I have through her treatment and that all goes well for her. I ask that you will say one as well.

So it's me! I'm the winner of Round 1! I will remain the winner of every battle, no matter how hard, that I'm faced with. And I cannot wait to crown myself champion at the end of this match!

Hair today, gone tomorrow.

There have been so many "happenings" since my last post so I'm going to try to remember it all.
The last week I posted was so rough and I struggled after getting that first dose of chemo. I ended up at the doctor that Friday to get fluids because I was getting dehydrated. And I thought I was going to be at work every day that week! LOL! After that and utilizing some stomach meds, I was finally able to get on the mend. The next week I took it slow and worked some half days and prepared myself for the upcoming wedding weekend for my sister.

As it began to approach I was excited that my hair was remaining in tact. People kept saying that it wouldn't fall out that quickly but because of the dosage of chemo that I was given, my doctor said it probably would. Then came Thursday and I started getting handfuls of hair out. I was an emotional mess and cried most of the night as I'm losing something that meant more to me than I thought it did. It's interesting because I had told myself, and others, that I was prepared and didn't care and when the time came I was lost. I remember texting my mom and saying I would not have hair for the wedding Saturday. So we drove Friday to Wilmington to join the festivities and made it down in time for rehearsal. It was a full day and I managed to hang in there and keep up with all that was going on until dinner came. Stephan couldn't get to us because he was stuck in traffic that didn't move for over 3 hours from Wilmington to Southport and it was something about the environment that had me an emotional wreck. I was so happy for my sister and new brother but I couldn't stop being sad. It really made me reflect on my situation and how happy my life is but brought me to such a sad place and I felt HORRIBLE. I felt like I was bringing down the entire crowd. It was the most emotional I have been since finding out everything. That night I prayed hard and got a good nights sleep. Once we woke, it was go time and we went, and went, and went! I enjoyed getting ready with the girls and the best news was, MY HAIR MADE IT! The girls doing our hair were great and I told her when she started to get a trashcan. So as she worked on it carefully, more wads of hair were put in the trash, but I was okay. The wedding was great, I didn't ugly cry... I don't think, but I happy cried and loved standing by my sister's side on the happiest day of her life. She was a beautiful bride and we had a blast. I gave a stellar speech (I was so proud of myself), we had a lip sync battle, and there was great food, dancing and fun. My night ended on her back porch with my husband sitting next to me for support while I took down my hair and placed half of it into a plastic bag. This was really happening.

The next week was very heavy. I worked half days and went home to rest in the afternoons where every day I was sitting with a bag and taking out more and more hair. I was over the crying about it the first day it happened but now it was just a depressing process and I wasn't able to move forward. So Thursday I asked Stephan to shave my head! At first he agreed but when I hesitated for a moment he changed his mind because he wasn't going to watch me cry the whole time. I ended up talking him into it and we actually had a blast. He started with half my head and calling me Rihanna to then calling me Amber Rose when we were finished. I'm not sure I want to be either of them but I know it was a compliment. It wasn't until after that I started to cry because he was so sweet and loving and told me I actually looked good and he'd rather have me here with him than have hair any day. (Swoon!) After that day it's like the clouds parted and my life began moving forward again. Who knew that something like hair could rock your whole world.

I had the weekend to practice my wraps and get used to wearing them, I had already worn one that week when my hair was really thin. I am rocking those things like it's my job! This last week I worked full days all week and it felt GREAT! I had an amazing week and even attended a volleyball game at Southeast High where they played their Dig Pink game in honor of me. You talk about cool! I am so appreciative for that and grateful that people are thinking of me. The weekend was good and normal and we got to see my sister (Bug) and her new husband, my brother.

That leads us to today, a wonderful day! I forgot to mention during all of this that my port wasn't healing and they put my chemo off for 2 weeks to try and get it to heal. Today was my follow up to determine if it will heal and I can keep it or if we were going to have to have it removed and try a different route. Well, I thought it wasn't making much progress and like everything else on my journey so far, we were going to be faced with another "bump" in the road. Boy was I ecstatic when the doctor walked in, looked right at it and said, "Well that's looking MUCH better!" Whew! We dodged a bullet this time. It sent me right over the moon to finally not get the blow that you were already expecting. Everyone has done their happy dance this afternoon and I even felt good enough to take Cadence to karate for the first time in over a month. I just love watching him do something he loves to do! So now I'm here, sitting in bed, catching up, and thinking about all I have to be thankful for. I know that Thursday brings a new portion of this journey as we are going to get another dose of "The Hammer" (that's what my surgeon calls it). I know that I am nervous but will be more prepared and I'm ready to own it and not let it own me. I know that I will take it easy this time and not push too hard so that it doesn't push me back harder. I know that this is only temporary and that I will look back at this one day and say "I did that, not it did me, I. DID. THAT!" I know that I'm going to do this, no matter what lies ahead, I'm going to DO THIS and I'm going to come out the strongest person that I have ever encountered. I'm constantly in awe of myself at the end of the day when I think about where I am, what I'm dealing with, and how strong my mentality is. This does not define me and when I tell people that I have cancer, I mean... I HAVE cancer. I have this and I want people to remind me of that when I'm weak. I know that it is because the hundreds of people I have supporting me and praying for me that I have this and that I feel so strong. I am humbled by this experience and I'm thankful. I will continue to be thankful throughout this journey because there is too much to be thankful for. I will not hang my head in defeat because I have this. I will look back one day on this journey as if it was a quick flash in my life and think, "here today, gone tomorrow."

Thank you all so much!
#WhiteFightClub #TeamWhite #MySquadIsDeep

This is harder than it looks.

I was feeling so good going into Friday and it went at least as expected. There were FINALLY no big blows and the day was super smooth. If I haven't already said this, my mom is really my rock through all of this. I know she doesn't feel that way but I don't know where I'd be without her.

So Friday, I went Friday and we were walking back to see the doctor when they tried to put me in that room again. I told the girl I just couldn't go in that room today. After she looked at me for a second while I explained, she then moved me to the other room with no problem. I already felt better about the visit. The doctor came in and told me what I had pretty much expected. The final report wasn't finished because they were still running some tests but the sternum is cancerous and she was confident that it is the breast cancer. I can say that I was okay with that because I was just hoping it wasn't something else that was going to throw us for a loop. So for the first time since all of this, I left the doctor's office without crying. Then on to chemo, boy was that a LONG day. It took the entire 8 hours and we were finally free from the cubby hole we occupied right after 6pm.

The good thing was that I was able to tolerate all of the meds without any incident and the next day I woke up feeling pretty normal. When you go from never taking meds and your body gets slammed with some of the strongest meds ever, I guess you have to expect a hard it. Today is Monday and I am struggling. I have never been one to let others do for me or one that felt so incapable of doing for myself. I find myself right in the middle of those two things and it is one of the hardest things to deal with. I love being independent and love being able to take care of myself. This is rough and I feel like it looks so fake. It's hard to explain how I'm feeling and how I even feel like my thoughts don't make sense. All I want is to push through this, feel mostly operational and not feel so drained. I can barely walk to the back of my not so large house and back without wanting to just sit down and go to sleep. It pains me not to be able to come home and keep up with my baby boy and have such a hard time functioning through the evening. Who knew meds could do this to your body and this is just the beginning.

Tonight I am asking that you all use those prayers and good words to help me get some strength and energy back. I want to be able to work and function with my family without feeling so sick and without being completely exhausted. I am still so motivated because my only choice is to stay strong and fight this, but I have never felt so weak in my life. So here is to another day tomorrow, to rest and regain my strength. Here is to my friends and my family who have been life savers. When you speak up these things, please say an extra little something for my momma who is carrying the weight of my world on her shoulders and won't have it any other way. I love you all and I'm still here, figuring out what the next year of my life is going to look like while I fight this fight.  I am so thankful to have so many people walking beside me and behind me to help me along.
#WhiteFightClub #MissionFight

Twas the night before chemo...

When you think about some of the biggest days of your life and what they will be, this is not one of those you envision having to having. Yet, here I am and here it is. Part of me is thankful that they pushed it back to this week because in this week I have been able to do something that at this time last week, I didn't think was possible. My mom keeps telling me she doesn't know how I do it and my response to her is always the same, "I don't either but I am." I have been smiling and laughing and living pretty much like normal (if you don't think about the not being able to work and going to the doctors office every day).

You know, I had a pretty good weekend, Monday started off shaky, but the rest of the week I have felt solid. I can pin point the moment during my biopsy appointment and the rush of emotion followed by a complete sense of, "I actually can and will do this." It's strange to think about and I keep putting myself back there. Since that very moment, at least for now, I have not had any hopeless feelings. I even caught myself yesterday wondering why I wasn't having more of those and what was wrong with me?! I quickly checked myself, said a little thank you prayer, as I have been doing LOTS lately, and kept moving. Even sitting by myself, I'm not in constant mental turmoil and able to just do things as normal.

So now here we are, the night before chemo, one of the biggest days of my life. I will do this 5 other times for a total of 6, every 3 weeks. I know I should be super nervous, especially with biopsy results coming tomorrow from the bone biopsy, but I'm not. I'm praying that it's benign and if not, that it's the same as the breast cancer and not anything worse or different to deal with. I'll probably be nervous until I get out of the doctors appointment and my goodness, if they head me down that hall to that same corner room, they may have to put me in a straight jacket and drag me in there! But for the moment I have a real overwhelming sense of peace and that I'm going to fight every minute of this. I have shared before that I still cry when I throw up, sometimes I have to hide it if Cadence comes running to check on me (he is so loving for his mommy), but I just hate throwing up. I am certainly nervous of all of the "stuff" that can come with chemo treatments, especially knowing how aggressive mine will be. I want to chew it up and spit it out and keep walking without it shaking me a bit. I want to be back at work on Monday morning moving like nothing touched me and I want to feel like a million bucks. However, I know what the expectations are and you know what, I'll take $100! I do know that the "expectations" will not define me and my treatment. I do know that I have to be the strongest person I have ever been and show the world and MYSELF what I'm actually made of. Who would have thought that the most sensitive cry baby would be a tough fighter?!

So in typical, I respond to everything in song fashion (my friends will be able to hear me singing this)... "All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go..." Thanks to all of you who have provided "entertainment" as I embark out on my journey to sit in a chair for 8 hours with a drip plugged into my chest! My mom texted me tonight and asked what time she needed to pick me up and also said "Leave the 20 pound bag at home" (referring to my purse). I told her I would, little down she know that I have a 30 pound "entertainment" bag that I will be bringing instead tomorrow! Wish me luck and maybe I'll finish The Chamber of Secrets tomorrow.

WhiteFightClub (Thanks Precious Face!)

I am determined to have more of these!

I wanted to write yesterday about my great Sunday but when I woke up I was back in a dark place. I was so bummed after being on such a high this weekend to be in such a bad place. I don't know if I'm more afraid of my feelings or what is actually happening. I don't know why I did but in that moment I was crumbling and I decided to pick up my phone and text my friend. I'm not sure why then and why that friend but it was exactly what I needed. She gave me confidence in myself and in the fact that even with where my cancer is, people can and have still beat it. I don't know if people are sick of me saying it but I need to hear often right now that I can do this, even with it having spread, and I will!

It was something about those texts, her words, or her combination of words that I could literally feel myself breathe in strength to take on the day. It wasn't my best day but it was much better than it started out. That made for two, almost full, good/great days in a row. So I decided tonight to blog because yet again, I had an amazing day. You know it's true what they say about keep going, get out, be around people, and keep functioning as best as you can. Today I was finally able to go to work and I was so happy and felt normal again. Of course the kids had lots of questions, especially my class from last year who knows I am never out of school. I was able to see Cadence twice today and he ran up and hugged and kissed me both times! I will miss it when he gets older and it's no longer cool to kiss your mom in front of your friends! So today was good, normal, and I think I even went for two whole hours without thinking about the newest chapter of my life. I think the next chapter, sometime next year, is going to be SuperFabulous is a Survivor!

I mentioned my friend, I will never be able to say enough how thankful I am for my friends. My friends and even complete strangers have reached out to me in a big way. I have been completely overwhelmed at the love and support I have gotten from them. The prayers, texts to check in with me and lift my spirits, cards, and even bags full of gifts to help me through my treatment. I have always thought that I surrounded myself with the best people through all phases of my life and I am in awe of the turnout of those very people, even back to people who I haven't spoken with since grade school. I hope you all will take this as the biggest thank you I can give and know that you all have impacted my heart, soul, body, and mind in the biggest way. So thank you for boosting me and carrying me through the most difficult time of my life. Thank you for being there on my best days and to lift me on my worst. Thank you for helping me focus on what is in front of me and not the path that I am going to travel. Thank you for helping me smile. Thank you for never letting me feel alone even when I think that's what I won't. Thank you for being the most amazing and unwavering humans there ever were. Thank you for making my story that much more special.

Today was great, the past few days have been good if not better than that, and right now I am smiling. I have so much to be thankful for and am still so very thankful for the amazing life I have. Today, was great and I am determined to have more of these!

The hits just keep on coming

When I thought I was prepared to handle anything, it happened again. After a week full of scans and surgery, I met with my doctor on Friday and was told there is in fact a lesion on my sternum and pelvis. At this time that's all we know but they weren't completely finished reading the PET scan. So here we are again in this dark place trying to claw my way out. 

I envision this feeling being similar to how they said chemo will be, each time you get weak but start to come back up but before you can make it back up all the way you get another dose so it gets harder each time. Each time I get hit I claw my way back up but each time I'm getting knocked down harder. I remember that sobbing again that sounded like it's coming from the pits of hell. It's hard to think you are capable of such uncontrollable sounds. All I could say was "my baby, my poor baby". I remember at that moment the doctor saying that I will be here for him, that this is still treatable. How someone can do this with people every day, I will never know. But all I want to know is that I can do this. I want to hear from doctors and people who work in the medical profession that while this is devastating, it is possible and I can do it. The doctor then told me of a woman that just finished treatment whose breast cancer had spread to her lungs and her tumor in her breast was quite larger than mine. After her chemo it had almost completely rid her body of the cancer. I'm deciding that is going to be my story. She is going to be telling my story to someone soon to give them hope because there is no other choice.

Yesterday I cried all day, I couldn't breathe without crying. The deepest pain I have ever felt just thinking of my sweet baby boy the entire time. I didn't know if I would be able to pick myself up this time. This time I am really feeling defeated. But today came and here I am. I am standing, I am talking, I am smiling, I am laughing, I am fighting down that evil hurt that I will not let control me. No matter what this life means for me, I refuse to go down weak and without a fight. Today I have spent all my time with that little boy I'm so scared for. I have surrounded myself with my family and I am gearing up for what the next week has in store for me. They may say they have found more spots but I will say, I will fight that too. There is nothing I can do to change what currently is but there is plenty I can do, starting now to change what will be.

I am hopeful that we are finished receiving the blows of all of this. I am hopeful that now we can get on a forward path of progress and never look back. I am hopeful that from all of the support and prayers I have received and the love of those around me that I am finding my feet. This is not going to be easy and I don't think for one second that it will, but I cannot lie down and give up. I will fight, I will crawl, I will do whatever it takes to get through this and stand on the other side a year from now and tell my little boy, "look what your mommy did!" And today, I will walk forward knowing that today there will be no changes and no bad news, and today I am okay.

Tomorrow

Today has been long and I was hoping the doctor would call today with news from the scans I had. Praying hard that it will be good news no matter when she calls. Unfortunately we have to wait another day and that makes tomorrow even scarier.

Tomorrow is day one of "Mission Fight", I think that's what I'm going to call it. I have surgery tomorrow to put in the port-a-cath that they will use for my chemo treatments. It's an outpatient thing so I hope it won't be too rough. I just hope that tomorrow's surgery is accompanied by good news of no other cancer in my body. (Fingers crossed, prayers up, and anything else I can think of.)

I am feeling better than I was a few days ago because in my head I know that no matter what, I can only move forward with what I'm handed and fight as hard as I can. I know that this is going to be a long road to travel and I'm just beginning, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to reach the other side successfully. So, here's to "Mission Fight", my family, and my friends... Tomorrow will be better!

A new school year...

I'm laying in bed preparing myself for our first day of school tomorrow. This will be my eighth year and Cadence is starting 1st grade. On top of the normal mom emotions, I'm anxiety ridden with all of the other goings on of my life. I'm sad at the fact my baby is entering another chapter and terrified of the chapter that I have only just begun.

After my extremely rough day last week, I somehow found my footing and made it through. I won't say I have felt as strong as I did, I'm still quite shaken, but I have done it one step at the time. I have had my weak moments but I have realized that it's okay to just cry. I let it out, I pray hard in that moment for some strength from the very pit of me that I can't seem to find on my own, I breathe deep and slow, and I begin to move again.

Tonight I am super thankful for friends. I have been completely overwhelmed with the showing up of my friends that I can't even believe that it's all real. My friends are really rallying around me in a way that I'm not sure I deserve. I have also noticed a common theme, they all definitely believe that I am way stronger than I give myself credit for. It reminds me of a child who feels like they can't do something. If people around them that they trust and know love them tell them they can enough times, they begin to do it. I'm just in awe of their kindness, caring, and willingness to take time out to support me. I will never be able to repay them but I hope to by beating this thing and showing them they were right.

This is going to be a tough year for me. I'm not even sure how long I'm going to be able to work through my chemotherapy. I hope that it will all work out and if I have to take leave, I will be back before I know it. I'm not overly concerned with work, I'm mostly focused on beating this stuff and getting back to my life as it was. But I do think that school will help me pass the time while I can be there.

So tonight, as I close my eyes for bed, I will pray for peace in my heart and mind and for healing of my body. I will pray for my friends and family who have done nothing but support me since day one so far. I will pray that this week will bring good news and nothing scary but if there is more to my story, I will pray for the strength to stand up tall and fight with all I have. I pray my little boy has a wonderful first day and school year and that he will be okay through all of this. Never forgetting for a second that he is my reason for fighting and I will fight to the ends of the earth for him.